bluegreen17 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
bluegreen17) wrote2003-05-08 01:16 am
bluegreen17) wrote2003-05-08 01:16 am
somewhere over the rainbow?
tonight at suppertime i read the introduction to -the 72 names of god- which is a system of spiritual self-improvement with some connection to kabbalah.
i understand a little about kabbalah from reading -the power of kabbalah- by the same author (yehuda berg) about a year ago. the book is very well written. i was glad to understand something about it. but i was turned off by the idea that i had to 'resist' reacting...i'm lousy at resisting!
i suppose it is both a good and a bad thing that i keep searching and searching. bad,because will i ever settle down? if i don't eventually follow some path,i will never get anywhere. but nothing seems to jive for long. it may be just my impatience,and i should just stick with something. but i still have this idea that once i find the right thing for me,it will be obvious. which is perhaps just a foolish ideal,like waiting for that one special person...i hate it when people say there is someone for everyone,because if there is...well,i guess for everyone BUT me. i'm just too old. if i met someone now,would i expect them to be perfect because i've waited so long? probably. i have lots of irrational ideas that i know are irrational,and yet i have a tough time talking myself out of my silly romantic (in both the specific and broad applications of that term) notions.
i think about finding a guy with whom i could have a close emotional connection
and live with probably as often as men allegedly think about sex. i.e.,a lot.
but i dont' feel like i have much to offer,and who the hell could live with me? well,who the hell would i want to live with? ha.
anyway,back on track...
the good thing i suppose about flitting around is that i haven't totally given up. on monday i had my therapy appointment and my therapist asked if i'd had suicidal thoughts and i said no. and i actually thought it was interesting that i hadn't,because i've been very very depressed. maybe focusing more on spirituality,i havent even vaguely entertained it as an option. i just feel miserable and stuck and sad and angry and lonely a lot of the time.
this morning was really terrible. the mornings have been so filled with despair. and then i push myself and carry on and feel tolerable,generally. i think to myself,am i ever going to be happy for more than one day at a time ever again? and do i have to try some other new experimental drug to achieve that? isn't there some sort of religion or spirituality that will at least cut down on some of my depression? though curing it would be...uh...heavenly.
i've been trying to get out of my depressions for years and years now.
well,at least i don't feel so bad at the moment. i usually don't feel as bad at night. in fact,when i'm depressed at night,it is bad bad news...it means i'm going to be horribly depressed the next morning.
and yet,i just keep trying and i keep looking for answers...
i understand a little about kabbalah from reading -the power of kabbalah- by the same author (yehuda berg) about a year ago. the book is very well written. i was glad to understand something about it. but i was turned off by the idea that i had to 'resist' reacting...i'm lousy at resisting!
i suppose it is both a good and a bad thing that i keep searching and searching. bad,because will i ever settle down? if i don't eventually follow some path,i will never get anywhere. but nothing seems to jive for long. it may be just my impatience,and i should just stick with something. but i still have this idea that once i find the right thing for me,it will be obvious. which is perhaps just a foolish ideal,like waiting for that one special person...i hate it when people say there is someone for everyone,because if there is...well,i guess for everyone BUT me. i'm just too old. if i met someone now,would i expect them to be perfect because i've waited so long? probably. i have lots of irrational ideas that i know are irrational,and yet i have a tough time talking myself out of my silly romantic (in both the specific and broad applications of that term) notions.
i think about finding a guy with whom i could have a close emotional connection
and live with probably as often as men allegedly think about sex. i.e.,a lot.
but i dont' feel like i have much to offer,and who the hell could live with me? well,who the hell would i want to live with? ha.
anyway,back on track...
the good thing i suppose about flitting around is that i haven't totally given up. on monday i had my therapy appointment and my therapist asked if i'd had suicidal thoughts and i said no. and i actually thought it was interesting that i hadn't,because i've been very very depressed. maybe focusing more on spirituality,i havent even vaguely entertained it as an option. i just feel miserable and stuck and sad and angry and lonely a lot of the time.
this morning was really terrible. the mornings have been so filled with despair. and then i push myself and carry on and feel tolerable,generally. i think to myself,am i ever going to be happy for more than one day at a time ever again? and do i have to try some other new experimental drug to achieve that? isn't there some sort of religion or spirituality that will at least cut down on some of my depression? though curing it would be...uh...heavenly.
i've been trying to get out of my depressions for years and years now.
well,at least i don't feel so bad at the moment. i usually don't feel as bad at night. in fact,when i'm depressed at night,it is bad bad news...it means i'm going to be horribly depressed the next morning.
and yet,i just keep trying and i keep looking for answers...
no subject
i did try too for years and years, and both of us have not succeded....that should bee enough evidence for the univers that this way must be wrong....
no subject
that's exactly such an irrational believe, that you think you don't have much to offer, and probably you think about the others in the same way....