bluegreen17 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
bluegreen17) wrote2002-09-09 10:16 am
bluegreen17) wrote2002-09-09 10:16 am
purple pill,yellow pill
i'm crazy and possibly evil.
lately it seems that i've been sleeping every other night,and last night was not a sleeping one. then,around 7 this morning,i was having a low blood sugar attack.i rarely have them and i'm not hypoglycemic or diabetic as far as i know,and i think switching between stomach meds twice in the last two weeks has screwed me up so that possibly is what it was.
nevertheless,being sleepless and then hungry,i said to myself,screw this,i'm just going to get up and start the day early and eat something
(of course,i had visions of that pint of ben and jerry's frozen yogurt in the freezer...it's the only thing that is keeping me alive these days...psychologically,if not physically,and i have to take homeopathic dairy allergy stuff to counteract it!)
and then because i'm doing especially poorly lately mentally,i felt compelled to do my laundry,even though it was so early in the morning and mom was still sleeping.i just felt the need to have my normal routine in spite of the fact of having no sleep and being out of bed four or five hours earlier than normal. so i selfishly did,even though it meant noisy machines.i am normally a considerate person,but this was sort of an ocd thing today i think. i just needed that sense of stability and getting things done because i feel pretty lousy mentally (not to mention physically....ha ha...but the good thing is that one of the nice nurses from the doctor's office got the message i left with the answering service yesterday and called me so she is going to talk to the nurse practioner to get me the stronger stomach meds again....she is supposed to call me back once she talks to her and hopefully since she called so early,just after 9 this morning,i will have no problem getting a prescription today) and i thought getting my laundry done would make me feel better. my depression is made worse by my lack of accomplishment. a simple thing like a shower,a load of laundry,and even getting out of bed every day feels like an achievement (and indeed it is when you feel this crappy mentally) and makes me feel a tiny bit better.
well,maybe mom slept through all the noise,but i feel evil and bad anyway and yet i felt i NEEDED to do that.
and...i kept coming up with excuses not to start on the wellbutrin. my stomach,i want to start on a day i'm not driving very far,etc.
and today was the day...again. and i keep reading horror stories about people and their antidepressants and other psychiatric drugs. and today my stomach feels lousy and my digestion is messed up. but i really can't stand feeling this bad in my head anymore and i just figured what the hell...(a mischevious bit of my darkly humored mind wanted to just write...'and i took the whole bottle' but there's sweet people who read my diary and i'm afraid that might scare them if they don't realize it's a sick joke on my part...some folks may say suicide and suicidal thoughts are no laughing matter,but from one who has suicidal thoughts,and more and more each day,let me just tell you that laughing sometimes keeps you alive)...anyway,i just took one of those purple pills and one of the clonazepam which is a sedative in case the wellbutrin makes me jittery.
i'm supposed to take the second 'as needed' but i also wanted to find out how they effect me together today while i'm home,because i may be taking both for the next two weeks. of course,this is probably a flawed experiment,since my brain chemistry is messed up from lack of sleep and getting up early,but i won't have another day off until next sunday,and if i don't have a tiny shred of hope that this stuff might help me,i'm not going to make it much longer,so i figured no more excuses...give it a try today.
wish me luck. thanks!
p.s. in case anyone is curious,i didn't just get up and eat a pint of ben and jerry's...well,not exactly.
i got up and ate a banana,got washed and dressed,ate an apple,drank my morning two glasses of water with my horse chestnut pill for my legs and my homeopathic liquid drops in the water,and heated up 'lunch'. which was a formerly frozen dinner of rice and veggies and a little tofu. and THEN i had the ben and jerry's...and since i usually only have food in the house for two meals a day (lunch when i get up at noon,and supper around 6) i now have to go to the store so i have food for an extra meal today,since i'll be up so long.
lately it seems that i've been sleeping every other night,and last night was not a sleeping one. then,around 7 this morning,i was having a low blood sugar attack.i rarely have them and i'm not hypoglycemic or diabetic as far as i know,and i think switching between stomach meds twice in the last two weeks has screwed me up so that possibly is what it was.
nevertheless,being sleepless and then hungry,i said to myself,screw this,i'm just going to get up and start the day early and eat something
(of course,i had visions of that pint of ben and jerry's frozen yogurt in the freezer...it's the only thing that is keeping me alive these days...psychologically,if not physically,and i have to take homeopathic dairy allergy stuff to counteract it!)
and then because i'm doing especially poorly lately mentally,i felt compelled to do my laundry,even though it was so early in the morning and mom was still sleeping.i just felt the need to have my normal routine in spite of the fact of having no sleep and being out of bed four or five hours earlier than normal. so i selfishly did,even though it meant noisy machines.i am normally a considerate person,but this was sort of an ocd thing today i think. i just needed that sense of stability and getting things done because i feel pretty lousy mentally (not to mention physically....ha ha...but the good thing is that one of the nice nurses from the doctor's office got the message i left with the answering service yesterday and called me so she is going to talk to the nurse practioner to get me the stronger stomach meds again....she is supposed to call me back once she talks to her and hopefully since she called so early,just after 9 this morning,i will have no problem getting a prescription today) and i thought getting my laundry done would make me feel better. my depression is made worse by my lack of accomplishment. a simple thing like a shower,a load of laundry,and even getting out of bed every day feels like an achievement (and indeed it is when you feel this crappy mentally) and makes me feel a tiny bit better.
well,maybe mom slept through all the noise,but i feel evil and bad anyway and yet i felt i NEEDED to do that.
and...i kept coming up with excuses not to start on the wellbutrin. my stomach,i want to start on a day i'm not driving very far,etc.
and today was the day...again. and i keep reading horror stories about people and their antidepressants and other psychiatric drugs. and today my stomach feels lousy and my digestion is messed up. but i really can't stand feeling this bad in my head anymore and i just figured what the hell...(a mischevious bit of my darkly humored mind wanted to just write...'and i took the whole bottle' but there's sweet people who read my diary and i'm afraid that might scare them if they don't realize it's a sick joke on my part...some folks may say suicide and suicidal thoughts are no laughing matter,but from one who has suicidal thoughts,and more and more each day,let me just tell you that laughing sometimes keeps you alive)...anyway,i just took one of those purple pills and one of the clonazepam which is a sedative in case the wellbutrin makes me jittery.
i'm supposed to take the second 'as needed' but i also wanted to find out how they effect me together today while i'm home,because i may be taking both for the next two weeks. of course,this is probably a flawed experiment,since my brain chemistry is messed up from lack of sleep and getting up early,but i won't have another day off until next sunday,and if i don't have a tiny shred of hope that this stuff might help me,i'm not going to make it much longer,so i figured no more excuses...give it a try today.
wish me luck. thanks!
p.s. in case anyone is curious,i didn't just get up and eat a pint of ben and jerry's...well,not exactly.
i got up and ate a banana,got washed and dressed,ate an apple,drank my morning two glasses of water with my horse chestnut pill for my legs and my homeopathic liquid drops in the water,and heated up 'lunch'. which was a formerly frozen dinner of rice and veggies and a little tofu. and THEN i had the ben and jerry's...and since i usually only have food in the house for two meals a day (lunch when i get up at noon,and supper around 6) i now have to go to the store so i have food for an extra meal today,since i'll be up so long.