bluegreen17 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
bluegreen17) wrote2002-09-20 12:40 pm
bluegreen17) wrote2002-09-20 12:40 pm
taking a break maybe
i may be taking a little break from livejournal...of course i could be back in ten minutes,but...
just in case i'm gone for awhile i don't want people worrying. i've got a lot going on in my life and losing my mother slowly is really starting to sink in.the more childlike she gets,the more i feel bad about losing my temper. i guess in some ways we never grow up. i was like that as a child,and always apologized and always tried to be good. at least i remember my mother saying i wasn't 'bad' i was just naughty. well,she was half-right...i've was just angry and frustrated a lot of the time. at the very least i think she knows i never stay mad and she knows i have a good heart,and i hope even though her mind is going fast,she remembers that in her heart because i would never want to make her scared because of my temper. i wouldn't hurt a fly anyway,but i yell and scream pretty loud and slam things (not people,thank god) when i'm angry and can't stop myself. but i want to try a little harder right now to keep my temper in check. i think she needs calm and so do i.
i'm kind of afraid to leave her alone tonight while i go to work,but she's always had good angels looking after her,i swear. so i hope they keep and eye on her.for years we've teased her about what a bad driver she is and she'd say she hadn't had an accident in years (i think the last time was when i was a small child and she was working nights as a nurse and had an accident on a icy winter road,so that wasn't bad driving,necessarily.) we used to say to her we could see the great crowd of angels she had going with her on the roof of her car,and by god,i hope they're still there!
mom slept really late this morning and every time she does that i think,this might be it,she might never wake up. and i especially felt bad this morning because i had my second pms hissy fit yesterday when she asked me to make a call for her at the last minute and i had trouble with the phone system and the people were giving me a hassle and i felt sick and i was late for work...and i didn't want that to be the last day i was ever with her while she was alive.
so just like a little kid,a penitent little kid (do we ever really grow up anyway?) i said 'god if you let her wake up one more day i promise i'll be nicer to her'. and then i heard her cough and that's the first time i was ever so glad to hear someone cough!
i wonder how much longer she'll be alive (she's only seventy) and i also wonder how much longer she'll know who her kids are,etc.
i am very sentimental and emotional.
i'm always the one who cries the longest and loudest and relative's weddings and i dont do it for show,it just happens.
when my grandmother died a few years ago (and after all she was 94 and lived a pretty good long life,in her own home until the last few months of her life when my dad couldn't take care of her anymore) i was walking out of the funeral home where she was laid out and they were going to close the coffin and we were going across the street for her funeral mass,and it hit me,i'll never see her again and i just broke down. well,you can imagine what i'll be like at my own parents funerals,but i guess that's a good time to cry.
and i'm glad the wellbutrin hasn't taken my tears away. they make me feel human and alive and connected to the universe.
for that i'm grateful.
just in case i'm gone for awhile i don't want people worrying. i've got a lot going on in my life and losing my mother slowly is really starting to sink in.the more childlike she gets,the more i feel bad about losing my temper. i guess in some ways we never grow up. i was like that as a child,and always apologized and always tried to be good. at least i remember my mother saying i wasn't 'bad' i was just naughty. well,she was half-right...i've was just angry and frustrated a lot of the time. at the very least i think she knows i never stay mad and she knows i have a good heart,and i hope even though her mind is going fast,she remembers that in her heart because i would never want to make her scared because of my temper. i wouldn't hurt a fly anyway,but i yell and scream pretty loud and slam things (not people,thank god) when i'm angry and can't stop myself. but i want to try a little harder right now to keep my temper in check. i think she needs calm and so do i.
i'm kind of afraid to leave her alone tonight while i go to work,but she's always had good angels looking after her,i swear. so i hope they keep and eye on her.for years we've teased her about what a bad driver she is and she'd say she hadn't had an accident in years (i think the last time was when i was a small child and she was working nights as a nurse and had an accident on a icy winter road,so that wasn't bad driving,necessarily.) we used to say to her we could see the great crowd of angels she had going with her on the roof of her car,and by god,i hope they're still there!
mom slept really late this morning and every time she does that i think,this might be it,she might never wake up. and i especially felt bad this morning because i had my second pms hissy fit yesterday when she asked me to make a call for her at the last minute and i had trouble with the phone system and the people were giving me a hassle and i felt sick and i was late for work...and i didn't want that to be the last day i was ever with her while she was alive.
so just like a little kid,a penitent little kid (do we ever really grow up anyway?) i said 'god if you let her wake up one more day i promise i'll be nicer to her'. and then i heard her cough and that's the first time i was ever so glad to hear someone cough!
i wonder how much longer she'll be alive (she's only seventy) and i also wonder how much longer she'll know who her kids are,etc.
i am very sentimental and emotional.
i'm always the one who cries the longest and loudest and relative's weddings and i dont do it for show,it just happens.
when my grandmother died a few years ago (and after all she was 94 and lived a pretty good long life,in her own home until the last few months of her life when my dad couldn't take care of her anymore) i was walking out of the funeral home where she was laid out and they were going to close the coffin and we were going across the street for her funeral mass,and it hit me,i'll never see her again and i just broke down. well,you can imagine what i'll be like at my own parents funerals,but i guess that's a good time to cry.
and i'm glad the wellbutrin hasn't taken my tears away. they make me feel human and alive and connected to the universe.
for that i'm grateful.
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Re: being able to cry
I'm glad for you too. It's actually only been over the last three years or so that I've really had my tears. I was rather emotionally wounded at around 12-13 and hadn't had them since then. Even though I'm on dexedrine, I have more ability to cry than I ever had in the past...
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