it gets even WORSE

[bluegreen17]

and of course it could get even worse than this...down,down,down,further into hades...

last night i started having a knot in my stomach and tightness in my chest which i'm sure is tension. that's great on top of my digestive problems,which have just expanded to include not only upper g.i...heartburn,reflux,nausea...but also now intestinal problems. and i'm having my menstrual period,so my stomach is even more sensitive.one of the few good things i can mention here is that a few years ago after taking stronger and stronger otc stuff for menstrual cramps i tried a homeopathic remedy,which not only worked but taught me in a biofeedback kind of way i guess,how to keep from getting bad cramps. so now i get a mild twinge and automatically relax that part of my anatomy and i'm okay. i don't take anything for it anymore,and i'm fine. isn't that amazing? one small step when i'm trying to get to the moon!

well,i have gotten to the real topper yet though. my friend george has been recommending for months that i take liquid bentonite because he said that would fix my digestive right up. well,first it took me a while to find it. then i did, and it was a huge bottle costing $17 but i bought it. it's a bit of a pain to carry a large glass bottle to work (you're supposed to take two doses a day) so i figured i'd do a regimen of a week on it while on vacation. good plan,eh?

so,i get up this morning,read the instructions,and mix it with my room temperature water (it said warm water but i consider that warm) which i usually drink. so i drink it down...a little weird because i'd rather be drinking my plain water. and i put the glass down and i feel sicker than i have in years! i thought i was going to throw up,and folks i havent' thrown up in years,which i actually think is a bad thing since when i had food poisoning it certainly would have been healthier for me to throw up,that's what vomiting if FOR,to protect you from toxins. now i'm not saying bentonite is toxic because george wouldnt have recommended it if it hadn't helped other people. and i was really hoping it might help,because i don't know what to do anymore to heal myself,the dr's don't seem to know and all the gastroenterologists probably know about is drugs and surgery. i have not money for a natural practioner who actually knows about nutrition,and now i may lose my job and my insurance if i cant' find someone to take care of my mother.

and so,even i who hates to make phone calls has to call my sister on her vacation to find out if she can take care of my mother when i go back to work. and then i'm supposed to call a friend of my mother's because she wants to take my mother out to dinner with a bunch of her former coworkers but we need to discuss if that's a wise idea...will it be too depressing for them to see her this way and will my mom be too embarrassed (though now i think she's past embarrassment,which in some respects is a blessing,but in others is not,because SHE now sometimes unknowingly embarrasses us,but screw it,she's my demented mother and that's just the way she is.i dont' care what people think,even if she drools. its weird,because she is not elderly and doesn't look it.anyway,i need to call my mother's friend,who's like another daughter to my mother and has been a great friend to her since she left work and i will probably need to go along if we go out as a sort of interpreter or whatever. i think it would be too hard for my mother's friend,even though mom writes things down. i know how my mother THINKS and that helps me to know what she is trying to say.

this is a freakin' soap opera,but where the hell is my illicit lover or better yet the dear sweet man who falls in love with me even though i'm terminally ill? (no,i dont actually have a date set yet...i'm exaggerating.)

it's not a tearjerker anymore...i'm too depressed to even cry,which is really bad and i hate it. nevertheless,being strong-willed (yes i was a 'strong-willed child') i will probably still go to the video store and try to find something that will make me cry. i've been watching the fellowship of the ring over and over,and i cry at stupid times...no,not when gandalf dies (because i've read the whole trilogy...ha ha ha...) or even when boromir dies. no,i cry when frodo says he wishes none of this had ever happened and gandalf gives him a pep talk and i cry when bilbo almost attacks frodo for the ring and then starts crying realizing what he almost did to his beloved nephew and he breaks down and cries and says he's sorry,he's sorry for everything.
that gets to me sometimes,but you can't always conjure up tears on demand,especially if you desperately want to cry, you won't

no,you'll cry in front of someone you don't want to cry in front of or someone who is scared to death of your crying. it's amazing how much crying scares some of us. it's because we often don't know what to do.

i used to cry through touched by an angel every week but then they got more and more preachy and it pissed me off now!

well,my nausea has subsided a bit.i'm so glad the nurse practioner told me that ginger won't hurt my esophagus...(its' very hot and i thought it would burn,but i guess it doesn't) because it sure has been helping a bit lately...a kind of lifesaver really. when i just got nauseated a little bit ago,i said to myself 'diane,dear,the ginger the ginger' and i grabbed my tincture bottle and popped a couple of drops of the hot miracle stuff in my mouth.
it's very concentrated, and you don't need a lot of ginger...a little goes a long way.

are you still reading? you must be a masochist or you really really like me.bless you!