bluegreen17 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
bluegreen17) wrote2002-05-29 01:38 pm
bluegreen17) wrote2002-05-29 01:38 pm
verbal panic attack
i must seem really unempathetic towards my parents. they have problems,and all i can think about is how it affects me. i guess i'm a mental cripple of a sort. i can hardly handle daily life,and any little thing (or big thing,which there have been lots of lately) just puts me over the edge.
i talked to dad and he's at the doctor's as i write this. he sounded pretty well. but then i talked to my sister who is a nurse,and she said they will probably have him have a cardiac catheritization,which means he'll be in the hospital. and i'm going to be a selfish little prick (in a manner of speaking only,of course) and say i just don't have time to be visiting my dad in the hospital! and what about my vacation? is it going to be a vacation or is it just going to suck like last june when i hurt my foot and had to lie in bed which caused my to ache everywhere? now i live in fear of having more leg problems because i can't lie in bed because of my acid reflux which was caused by the drug i took for the leg problems?
and then...my angel sister who has done everything for mom is going on vacation the week after mine...so who will drive mom everywhere? my mom is like a child,not entirely. but she asks me silly questions. and spends all her money and then expects us to figure out the rest. well,i'm exaggerating. but she did ask me if i wanted to go out to eat tonight. i'm on my holiday day off since monday is my regular day off. and i'm mostly doing chores and watching videos. more on that later,maybe. but anyway,she has no money. she went to the bank to cash in pennies and got $25 bucks,which she should save. i also took her out for chinese this week,which made me go over my income, but i wanted to for her mother's day treat. and she had one meal from the leftovers and one more from my leftovers. she also asked me what i wanted for my birthday,which actually makes me mad because she has no money and expects others,it seems,to pick up the slack. no,she's not as bad as she sounds. she's just clueless and the mini-stroke has made her more childlike and dependent than she already was.
as for my birthday,last year was lousy because of my foot,and this year i just dread it. i don't particularly want to celebrate my life,especially when it just reminds you that hardly anyone remembers your birthday because you have almost no friends.
anything else?
well,i'm off to the library in the rich town,and then i'm going to the charity thrift place at the church where i'll donate a few bucks in exchange for some clothes i need and then off to the drugstore to stock up on dental floss.
then i'll come home and eat supper and dammit i'm going to have another ben and jerry's which means,yes,chocolate. i think i will try to go cold turkey on chocolate after this...but i don't know why,i'm still having tummy troubles and i just can't deal with having an endoscopy myself,at least not right now.
then i'll call my dad and find out how things are with him. i'm not hoping for much,but for his sake,i hope he doesn't have to have any invasive procedures.it's almost as if my bad luck is spreading to my parents. some folks are of the opinion that you create your own reality and if so i'm doing a lousy job. and if it's not so,i'm not doing well with what life is throwing at me.
good thing i have no ambitions to be a saint,but i guess being a bodhisattva is out too,and that really does disappoint me.
yes,this insane gal is now off for the next set of the dullest adventures ever,and i may write more later.
run while you can!
i talked to dad and he's at the doctor's as i write this. he sounded pretty well. but then i talked to my sister who is a nurse,and she said they will probably have him have a cardiac catheritization,which means he'll be in the hospital. and i'm going to be a selfish little prick (in a manner of speaking only,of course) and say i just don't have time to be visiting my dad in the hospital! and what about my vacation? is it going to be a vacation or is it just going to suck like last june when i hurt my foot and had to lie in bed which caused my to ache everywhere? now i live in fear of having more leg problems because i can't lie in bed because of my acid reflux which was caused by the drug i took for the leg problems?
and then...my angel sister who has done everything for mom is going on vacation the week after mine...so who will drive mom everywhere? my mom is like a child,not entirely. but she asks me silly questions. and spends all her money and then expects us to figure out the rest. well,i'm exaggerating. but she did ask me if i wanted to go out to eat tonight. i'm on my holiday day off since monday is my regular day off. and i'm mostly doing chores and watching videos. more on that later,maybe. but anyway,she has no money. she went to the bank to cash in pennies and got $25 bucks,which she should save. i also took her out for chinese this week,which made me go over my income, but i wanted to for her mother's day treat. and she had one meal from the leftovers and one more from my leftovers. she also asked me what i wanted for my birthday,which actually makes me mad because she has no money and expects others,it seems,to pick up the slack. no,she's not as bad as she sounds. she's just clueless and the mini-stroke has made her more childlike and dependent than she already was.
as for my birthday,last year was lousy because of my foot,and this year i just dread it. i don't particularly want to celebrate my life,especially when it just reminds you that hardly anyone remembers your birthday because you have almost no friends.
anything else?
well,i'm off to the library in the rich town,and then i'm going to the charity thrift place at the church where i'll donate a few bucks in exchange for some clothes i need and then off to the drugstore to stock up on dental floss.
then i'll come home and eat supper and dammit i'm going to have another ben and jerry's which means,yes,chocolate. i think i will try to go cold turkey on chocolate after this...but i don't know why,i'm still having tummy troubles and i just can't deal with having an endoscopy myself,at least not right now.
then i'll call my dad and find out how things are with him. i'm not hoping for much,but for his sake,i hope he doesn't have to have any invasive procedures.it's almost as if my bad luck is spreading to my parents. some folks are of the opinion that you create your own reality and if so i'm doing a lousy job. and if it's not so,i'm not doing well with what life is throwing at me.
good thing i have no ambitions to be a saint,but i guess being a bodhisattva is out too,and that really does disappoint me.
yes,this insane gal is now off for the next set of the dullest adventures ever,and i may write more later.
run while you can!
food, etc.
I had chocolate tonight but it was for a good cause (ethnic celebration at my son's school.) Even as I was eating it I could feel the reflux kicking in.
I totally understand your feelings about your parents, I go through the same thing, I think it's a normal reaction. take care!
Oh--and yes...I don't celebrate my birthday either and I kind of hate when anyone mentions it, although this year was different because it was a school day for me and no one at school knew it was my birthday and I actually forgot about it.