today's self-absorption about hair and ugliness and cuteness

[bluegreen17]

i shouldn't be left in the house rented condo alone with a bag of chocolate chip cookies...
though of course i live alone and happily so and dont want living alone to end unless a better option comes along and since ewan mcgregor is not available,which is highly unlikely. plus,who would want to live with a crazy eccentric old lady who has a fascinating mind and little interest in sex anyway?

um. speaking of chocolate,yesterday i was offered a free sample of an ESPRESSO brownie...my,god,how could i say no? coffee and chocolate=caffeine...my favorite drug,which my stomach doesn't like,but my brain definitely does... anyway,it was ten at night when i ate it and it crossed my mind that i might have trouble sleeping...i've obviously gotten ridiculously sensitive to caffeine (good in the sense that it's easy to get high; bad in the sense that it can cause sleeplessness if imbibed less than six hours before trying to sleep) so when i went to bed quite late,at 3 am. instead of 2,i was awake probably for another hour. on the plus side,the caffeine put me in a good frame of mind,so at least i was lying in bed thinking happy thoughts : )

it strangely reminded me of when i first started taking wellbutrin. at first it took me a while to fall asleep,but i remember being amazed that i wasn't thinking horrible negative hopeless thoughts...speaking of which,i got my increased dosage today. i'm actually feeling less depressed than i was last week. i'd say the most profound thing was reading some of 'the highly sensitive person' which doesn't call everything a disorder. i think that perked me up. also,i found out i get three weeks of vacation this year...i wanted to jump and down with glee,but i've been too tamed,i suppose. or didn't have caffeine in me to override my inhibitions caused by socialization. and as it turns out, i am going to go on vacation the week of march 2nd and i'm very very excited about that. i'm going to stay home and read and write. oh,and maybe a couple of things on my freaking longass 'should do' list. and lastly,i've developed a very silly crush,but fortunately on a person who is actually in the same room with me sometimes...unfortunately,not a very small room. ha. and of course how could anyone recipricate and think I'M cute...guys don't like girls with short hair,right?

well,most don't. in fact,it did occur to me when i was in a good mood last week that there just may be a couple of guys who think i'm cute...though i'm probably just confusing it with the fact that they think i'm amusing. whatever.
gotta take your liking however you can when you've always been as plain as me...cute on a good day,ugly on a bad day,and with bad self-esteem. y'know,when you grew up with the model of beauty being cute snub noses and blond hair and you're dark-haired (but oh how i miss my dark brown,almost black hair now as it is overtaken by silver if you're being kind,gray if you're being blunt) and you have a more prominent european type nose (i'd say french,but actually in france there are lots of different ethnic types,so....) than those with the cute short snub noses (though sisters number #3 and #4 have 'em...where they got them i don't know,because we didn't have a milkman,we had a milkLADY and my DAD was the postman...)

oh,and yeah,once i cut my long hair,which was a pain in the...and kept my hair short which i love but is not popular with the opposite sex (not to mention that some people then conclude you must like the SAME sex because you like having short hair...though i'm not 'butch'),well,then i'm going to be thinking of myself as ugly whether i actually am or not.

it's hard to be objective about yourself. a female friend once told me she thought i looked like karen allen (she was in the raiders of the lost ark) but i think karen allen is cuter and prettier than me. maybe i'll have to ask derek if he can tell me if i look like anyone i could get an idea from...

anyway,enough self-absorption for now...isn't there something i 'should' be doing? hey,at least i wrote out a birthday card for my friend's daughter who turned 2 dec. 28th...now i just have to mail it.

Comments

[canonfire.livejournal.com]

if it must be known, I'm not only a fan of women with short hair, but also chunky glasses. Whoever tells women that they don't look good in specs should be taken in the back yard and bludgeoned soundly with a well-hewn cricket bat. ...just my thoughts on the matter...

yeah,short hair and glasses and thank you!

[bluegreen17]

well,thanks for your note! this gives me hope that i may be adding some cuteness to some people's worlds...i forgot to mention that i wear specs too,which i always assumed were another point against me. though i myself am fond of guys with glasses.
well,okay! thanks!

[aprilstorme.livejournal.com]

Id love to see a pic of you. Im sure you are very cute.
My whole family goes white hair by the time they are 21..at least the generation ahead of me. So its no surprise i have quite a large white pepe lepeu type streak through my hair. fortunately revlon understands and i zap it away. but i know what you're saying about missing the haircolor...how we take things for granted. I remember weighing 112 and thinking how fat I was...egad...its all in perspective

but girls with short hair can be, and in fact are, cute.
what ive come to realize is that men like everything, good girls, bad girls, nurses, vets, librarians, short girls, tall girls, women with long hair, women with short hair, it all has a part...
the part about little interest in sex however maybe your downfall ;) of course...were ewan mcgregor available that could be overcome im sure

[bluegreen17]

i actually know men who claim they'd rather be celibate. no reason not to believe them,but they are rare and not living in my neighborhood! (as far as i know)

and yeah,one can always change their mind...or their bodies might change their mind for them...; p...ewan,is that you?
or a reasonable facsimile? hee hee...

Here is one

[hattie.livejournal.com]

"Men seldom make passes
At girls who wear glasses"

(-)Dorothy Parker

But I can assure you she's already quite dead by now.

Re: Here is one

[bluegreen17]

ha. i've got to say that i think generations younger than myself have in some ways expanded the scope of what beauty is...for that i give credit to the younger girls and guys and probably to the people of my generation that raised them. i have a sister who's 17 years younger and she's in the crowd of young woman who are very pro-woman/grrrl. for myself,i was slightly ahead of my time or in between...not a feminist who hates men and not a pro grrrll woman...just a person who knows what she likes regardless of gender. which i guess is why i've worn my hair short for years in spite of the majority of men seeming to like long hair...i may be insecure,but not so insecure as to do ANYTHING to snag and keep a man,if you get my drift. but i digress,as usual.

i feel sorry for dorothy parker...she seems to have been so miserable,but she sure is damned funny. kind of sounds like me,except that i don't think i'm quite that miserable all the time (thank goodness) nor am i quite as funny (oh,well.)

[silverwraith.livejournal.com]

I don't have short hair (actually, it's waist-length...I think I look dreadful with short hair), but I do wear glasses so I know about the insecurity with those. I know a lot about insecurity period. I've always had a rather tenuous hold on my esteem and when I went through high school (however many years ago it was) it pretty much destroyed what little I had. I've been able to get a little of it back thanks to some very good friends (all of whom are on LJ) but I'm still the kind of person who shieds at a compliment because I have this dread fear it was made out of spite or as a terrific joke on the part of the compliment giver. paranoid? oh yes, but it's happened to me before...during the most tender years of my emotional growth (aka the dreaded "puberty," though I hate to use that word because it's so ghastly to read and say), no less.

anyway, I also have very little intrest in sex, especially the random "let's shag every guy that makes a pass at me" mentality that I've observed so much in the girls around campus over the past 4 years. and let's face it--none of the ones I've had the pleasure of meeting *cough*sarcasm*cough* have been up to my exacting standards. so until the right man happens to stroll into my life (or the way my luck is, he'd probably run over me with his car as entrance into my life), that's the way it's going to be. *ahem* though I would not say no to Sean Bean or Viggo Mortensen. let's just leave it at that. *girly sigh at the pretty blue Sean icon*

I have my moments when I wish I could be more "normal," I guess...if normality has to be defined by the presence of a significant other, which it seems to be anymore...but for the most part I'm content with who I am (on the inside, at least). I can very easily see myself turning into a Dorothy Parker/Emily Dickinson hybrid, however, for better or for worse.

[bluegreen17]

yes,pretty blue icon. i hope you saw sean in 'stormy monday'. yummy.

you sound like a quirkyalone and/or an idealist,both of which i sort of consider myself. well,lean more to the emily side...dorothy seemed way too bitter. but i should talk...sometimes i get bitter...though i suppose i'll stay youthful if i shake it up with a good ole temper tantrum once in a while,and i DO.

well,if you're going to use the crosswalk,make sure you like the person in the car approaching....where does mr. bean (oooh,sorry,that brought up images of ANOTHER mr. bean and made me giggle) live?

well,anyway,my best friend FOOD awaits me so i'll go and have tea now...or is it supper?

Re:

[silverwraith.livejournal.com]

yes, I've seen Stormy Monday. I own it, too. *grin* it's one of those movies that dares you to not lick the screen when he comes on camera, hehehe. I own far too many Sean movies. I'm such an obsessed fangirl. *snicker* but that's weird of you to pick out that particular one...it's the one nobody seems to know. but what's not to know and love? Sean and Tommy Lee Jones and Sting and kickin' jazz soundtrack. yeah.

I'm pretty quirky, yeah. I can agree with that. perhaps idealistic...i've been accused of it before. but you know, what's wrong with being an idealist? it's not like people who aren't idealistic are any more happy with everything.

there's nothing wrong with breaking out the temper tantrums either, heh...everyone deserves time to be a brat sometimes. I think Dorothy was too bitter, but half the time (that would be my bad days) I can totally understand where she's coming from. as for Emily...I worship her as a genius and one of my elite four literary muses (the other poet being T.S. Eliot...*sigh*)

from what I understand, Sean frequents Sheffield, England because it's where he's from. so that would be a good place for me to start crossing the streets, I think. I can live in a local pub's back room and then leap out in front of his car on a rainy day.

wait...that's not very subtle, is it?

[bluegreen17]

eh,why bother with subtle?

i had a friend who was pretty much obsessed with sting a few years back (i personally was quite fond of andy summers for a while...he kind of looks...pixieish. i like pointy ears,and some humans have 'em.sort of. close enough.)

i don't lick my tv because i don't dust very often,so it would be only partly pleasant.
*sputter pfffttt*

emily...t.s. who are the other two? you are verry interesting...

yes,thank goodness for idealists in the world. we are needed! the others are barbarians! not that i'm misanthropic or anything...

Re:

[silverwraith.livejournal.com]

I like Sting better in The Police, myself. but I have several Sting devotee friends, so I'm used to people oogling over him.

I have not yet licked the tv (though I came damn close when I was watching Lady Chatterley *snicker*) as mine's rather dusty too. I try to keep the computer monitor dust-free so it's more appealing. hehehe. yeah, you're right though...who needs subtle? it'll be like a florence nightingale love story, in reverse. it shall be great. my LJ friends won't believe it until I post the picutres. *laugh*

ah, gotta love me and my overactive imagination!

Emily and T.S. are my poet muses...my prose muses are James Joyce, Flannery O'Connor, and Douglas Adams. *re-counts* ok, so that's five, heh...I guess I was leaving Doug out by mistake. several conflicting styles in there, yeah...no wonder I'm so weird.

p.s. nice use of the bold-face HTML in the barbarians remark. *grin*

[bluegreen17]

riverrun.

thank you for noticing the barbarians!

what's wrong with a little hurt and comfort? heh.

james joyce is a trip. i wonder if anyone has ever FINISHED finnegan's wake. a friend of mine who loves james joyce graduated from high school on bloomsday...or is it bloom day? i thought that was so cool.

i loved douglas's four book trilogy. so sad that he's gone already.

well,i've got to get back to my chocolate chip cookies,since i'm not doing any screen-licking. the cookies dont attract as much dust.

riverrun.

Re:

[silverwraith.livejournal.com]

I have a copy of Finnegan's Wake but I've not braved it yet. actually, I haven't finished Ulysess yet either...I haven't had the time to sit down and really READ it. grr...

I cried when I learned DA was dead. so sad. have you read his posthumously published essay collection The Salmon of Doubt? it's great.

I want some cookies too. *sigh*

[bluegreen17]

i read a bit of 'salmon of doubt' and wished he'd written more essay-type stuff.

Re:

[silverwraith.livejournal.com]

I know, I do too. I'd be reading and thinking "damn, that's how I feel too..." I would have killed to meet him in person. too late now, though, unfortunately.