bluegreen17: (Default)
i'm awake early because of non-intentional sleep deprivation,so i've got that wacky energy that i'll pay for later. nevertheless i am going to take advantage of this rare energy to go to the grocery store before someone else buys all my favorite foods and also,before i get sleepy again.
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well,i finally finalized it. i went through my lj memories...skimmed some,but went through a few,as these were things that were favorites. and then i deleted,including my comments and community posts. i just don't want the russian government to own anything i've written,and that is what the legalese says,from my best understanding. makes me sad,but life moves cliche.
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"I am suffering, forgive me, I am suffering..."

"What is it in particular?"

"I am suffering... because of lack of faith..."

"Lack of faith in God?"

"oh no, no, I wouldn't eve dare to contemplate anything like that--it's simply the matter of the life to come, it's such a mystery! And nobody, you see, nobody knows the answer to it! Look, you are a healer, you have knowledge of men's souls; of course, I daren't presume that you should believe everything I say, but I assure you most emphatically that I'm not being trivial; the thought of life after death drives me to distraction, it terrifies me... and I don't know who to turn to, I've lacked the courage all my life... And now I've plucked up the courage to turn to you... Oh God! What will you think of me now?"

"Do not worry about my opinion. I truly can believe your anguish is genuine."

"Oh, how grateful I am to you! You see, I often shut my eyes and think: if anybody has faith, where do they all get it from? And yet at the same time we are told that, originally, it all came from fear in the face of the threatening forces of nature, and that really there's nothing at all after death! Well, the thought that occurs to me is this: here I am, a lifelong believer, but I'll die, and suddenly there'll be nothing, just 'burdock on my grave', as one author put it. How terrible! How an one buttress one's faith--how? Anyway, I only really believed when I was a small child, automatically, without thinking about it... What proof is there, how can I dispell my doubts? Oh, I'm so unhappy! And when I look around, I see that no one's concerned about it at all, or practically no one, no one cares about it now, and that it's only me who's worrying herself to death about it at all. It's unbearable--simply unbearable!"

"Quite so, quite so. But it's not so much a matter of obtaining proof, as of dispelling doubt."

"But how?"

"By the practice of active love. Try to love your neighbors actively and steadfastly. The more you practice love, the more you will be convinced of the existence of God and the immortality of your soul. Should you attain total renunciation of self in your love for your neighbor, then your faith will be absolute, and no doubt will ever assail your soul. This has been tried, and this has been tested."

from The Brothers Karamazov, Fyodor Dostoevsky
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Our joy, our peace, our happiness depend very much on our practice of recognizing and transforming our habit energies. There are positive habit energies that we have to cultivate, there are negative habit energies that we have to recognize, embrace and transform. The energy with which we do these things is mindfulness. Mindfulness is a kind of energy that helps us to be aware of what is going on. Therefore, when the habit energy shows itself, we know right away. "Hello, my little habit energy, I know you are there. I will take good care of you." In recognizing it as it is, you are in control of the situation. You don’t have to fight it; in fact the Buddha does not recommend that you fight it, because that habit energy is you, and you should not fight against yourself. You have to generate the energy of mindfulness, which is also you, and that positive energy will do the work of recognizing and embracing. Every time you embrace your habit energy, you can help it to transform a little bit. The habit energy is a kind of seed within your consciousness, and when it becomes a source of energy, you have to recognize it. You have to bring your mindfulness into the present moment, and you just embrace that negative energy: "Hello, my negative habit energy. I know you are there. I am here for you." After maybe one or two or three minutes, that energy will go back into the form of a seed, in order to re-manifest itself later on. You have to be very alert.

Every time a negative energy is embraced by the energy of mindfulness, it will lose a little bit of its strength as it returns as a seed to the lower level of consciousness. The same thing is true for all other mental formations: your fear, your anguish, your anxiety, and your despair. They exist in us in the form of seeds, and every time one of the seeds is watered, it becomes a zone of energy on the upper level of our consciousness. If you don’t know how to take care of it, it will cause damage, it will push us to do or to say things that will damage us and damage the people we love. Therefore, generating the energy of mindfulness, to recognize it, to embrace it, to take care of it, is the practice. And the practice should be done in a very tender, non-violent way. There should be no fighting, because when you fight, you create damage within yourself. The Buddhist practice is based on the insight of non-duality: you are love, you are mindfulness, but you are also that habit energy within you. To meditate does not mean to transform yourself into a battlefield, the right fighting the wrong, the positive fighting the negative. That’s not Buddhist. That is why, based on the insight of non-duality, the practice should be non-violent. Mindfulness embracing anger is like a mother embracing her child, big sister embracing younger sister. The embrace always brings a positive effect. You can bring relief, and you can cause the negative energy to lose some of its strength, just by embracing it.

thich nhat hanh
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alfons mucha, architecture, art deco, arts and crafts movement, asperger's, atomic ranch, autism, baseball, cake, calvin and hobbes, cats, coffee flavor, extroverted introverts, geography, kaleidoscopes, meta, mid-century culture, modern dance, morrissey, mutual admiration societies, non-fiction, not procrastinating until later, office supplies, open windows, pinwheels, retro kitsch, retro-futurism, semiotics, sherlock holmes, shiny things, simulation, sparkle, stephen fry, subcultures, symbol systems, thomas pynchon, valentines, walter bishop, whirligigs, young pope, zephyrs

for now,i just copy/pasted my interests from lj before deleting.
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i'm one of those folks who just dragged all their crap from lj because i don't want to worry about russian laws,or support the regime! i'm following the revival as it's a good time to find a few new folks and try to get my journaling mojo going again.

i will probably add a few new folks and then decide on whom i will do the 'grant access' thing with...i think that's similar to letting lj folks read your private stuff. i'm not terribly secretive though. i'm probably more likely to lean towards tmi and i guess you either want to follow me or you don't. i always thought i'd be more popular on the internet than i am,because i think i have an interesting mind,but apparently it depends on what one is interested in or how wide a scope you throw your...i was gonna say 'net' but that's not quite right...maybe embrace?

anyway,i am very grateful to dreamwidth because i haven't learned too much computer savvy stuff and don't even know much about backing stuff up,and my mental and physical energy limits what i do both with my brain and my body,so i don't think i'll be doing that soon. so,even though i have great anxiety over my finances and not much hope for improvement in the future,i want to scrape up a few dollars to give to dw,because i am grateful for the whole import thing,and just for being able to be here,and not totally lose everything i did on livejournal!
bluegreen17: (Surf Snoopy)
a big thank you to dreamwidth for being here,and for the amazing job of porting all that info from livejournal before i delete my lj. it took a couple of days,but it's understandable considering how many people are currently moving stuff from lj to dw. in the transfer,i lost about 200 plus out of almost 2000 entries. i have no idea why,but i'm grateful for so much that was saved and transferred! just don't feel comfortable about having anything to do with lj anymore,which is of course,sad.
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wow. it's been a while,and that's an understatement.i'm not generally much into fandom stuff so i'm not sure if there is any connection here for me,but i am going to have a look around to see what's happening here.
bluegreen17: (pinwheel)
still here,in a manner of speaking. here at lj right now. ha. tonight i watched president obama's last speech and i cried towards the end. it was also very hopeful and inspiring. i am so glad to have lived through the eight years of his presidency.
bluegreen17: (pinwheel)
reposted from my tumblr

the poorer i get,and the more precarious my survival in my last years gets,the more i feel envious of others. i’m not really a highly envious sort…or at least not compared to one of my siblings who is incredibly envious of everyone. for instance, i love houses and buildings etc. but i know i’ll never own a home of my own. maybe it’s simply hormones,of which mine are not the healthiest,but i’ve almost completely given up on finding my knight in shining armor, or probably that is combined with knowing there is no such thing. people are people,even the wonderful ones. i don’t have much energy for relationships,and you need to nurture relationships.

lately when there are more and more things i can’t have or even hope of having…how can you save money for ANYTHING when you’re on my income?…my envy crops up more and more. i constantly have to remind myself of how fortunate i am,compared to many of the world’s population…though thinking of so much misery…the refugees,the homelessness,etc etc…does not make me feel better,but makes me want to shut my envious brain up.

of course,being in touch with the world at all,including here on tumblr,is to expose myself to envy…there are a lot of people better off than i am on the interwebs,that’s for sure.

well,at the moment i have several books from the library that i am excited about reading…thank good for libraries and fuck you to the poster on my town group who keeps saying ‘libraries are obsolete’. maybe they are for you,fucker,but for me they keep me slightly more sane,because i don’t have a budget that includes buying books or cds or dvds,and those things are a very helpful tool to distract from chronic depression and anxiety,the stuff that comes naturally to me added to the things in my life that add to what i already naturally live with.

the limited cable tv will have to go very soon…i want to watch the last episode of downton abbey and then tv needs to go…even though i really enjoy tv especially when i can’t focus on much,and/or the internet is unavailable. it’s a safety net of sorts,but i have other expenses that keep increasing. for instance,we have a delicate cat who is a member of the family whose medical needs are not covered by anything,so it’s out of my pocket. thank god my sister gets medicaid right now.

i am envious of a lot of things,but i am still lucky. i have to keep reminding myself of that. right now i am lucky because i live in a two bedroom condo so i can keep a roof over the head of us three chronically ill folks…my sister,myself,and the kitty. our rent is less than most crappy one bedrooms in town…bless our landlord for being the least greedy i have ever known…but i live in fear of him selling this condo or dying before i can get into a subsidized apartment. we’d have to move to an apartment with one bedroom and our couch is pretty much dead,so we’d have no couch to sleep on,and the only place would be one of the drug infested apartment complexes around here. i doesn’t make much sense to just ‘not worry’ or think about these things…they will happen eventually.

there is not much chance of things getting better,and lots of likelihood of them getting worse. and that’s not my depression speaking. that’s a clear thing i can se
bluegreen17: (Surf Snoopy)
well,i know this is sad,but it could be worse. i am staying home from christmas festivities today just to get some much needed downtime.
as a person who likes living alone,i haven't been alone since late summer. added to that,an extra sister making four high strung people (i include the cat) is not very restful for several days in december. i'm pretty comfortable in general with the sister i live with,though i find living with ANYONE uses up my spoons. but ya know,sometimes people and kitties need a place to live. but add one more sister for several days visit...she arrived on tuesday evening and by this morning i couldn't wait to be alone for at least a few hours. then there will be two or three more days of chaos and heightening neuroticism...luckily there is love thrown in there too,or i would never get through it.

i did manage to see the entire extended family at thanksgiving and i'm glad i did. now,i need a nap! blessed peace for a few hours. just astrid the cat and me chilling for a while. merry christmas and hugs to everyone!
bluegreen17: (Snoopy Reads)
well,in an unexpected twist of probably not exactly fate,i dusted off my little christmas tree today. i actually was cleaning it with a damp cloth over the balcony and shaking it a bit too...being careful that no one was below me,when the tree fell out of the base. we're only one floor up and it's a plastic tree,so it only got slightly dented at the top,which can then be twisted back. so,i went outside to pick it up and came in and sara put the small set of colored lights...i love colored lights and get disappointed when i see mostly white lights on trees...and some ornaments we bought at the dollar store a couple of weeks ago. so now we are feeling more festive,which makes us both feel better. maybe i will post a photo later if sara takes one this evening.

sara also went to the library to pick up christmas movies and a bio on fidel castro i wanted. i watched a documentary called the fidel castro files recently and was fascinated with this intelligent man and wondering why he has done some of the things he did. in the doc,it was mentioned that when he needed economic help after the batista regime had looted the country basically,he asked for help from the usa,but it was not given. probably because batista was backed by the usa? oh,usa,you have done so many bad things. so then he went to kruschev who helped the country economically and of course then had a good launching pad for some nuclear missiles. that's just the basic i've gotten and i want to know more.

we've got a movie s. loved called 'noel' and the george c. scott version of the christmas carol. the christmas carol is one of my favorite christmas stories. the first one i ever saw was the mister magoo version.
bluegreen17: (pinwheel)
don't worry,i'm told. you worry too much and it is bad for you.

well,the latest worry is that my sister's cat is having a tooth problem,my sister is ill with no income and has not yet gotten a diagnosis to even try to apply for ssi,and i live on ssdi and am currently supporting her. i consider cats people and astrid as family even if she wasn't basically a much needed therapy cat for my sister as well. and vets are expensive. and i have credit cards,but eventually i won't be able to pay the minimums. and a credit card is the only way to pay for such an expense. i'm long past feeling guilty that i will die with credit card debt,but i need to at least be paying on them,and that's hard on a small budget. same old problems,plus new ones. poor astrid was pretty miserable today,but tonight she did eat some baby food which my sis always keeps on hand in case she is having tummy issues. astrid seemed much perkier after that,but she still has inflammation near one of her teeth,so it will probably be to the vet next week,along with my sis having to make two long trips to the hospital to do a heart monitor test on tuesday and wednesday. fun times!

on the positive side,thank god for medicaid to pay for my sisters's med expenses and i'm pretty sure if it wasn't for obamacare,she wouldn't be covered,as i think our state used to only allow medicaid for children. so a sincere thanks,obama for that!
bluegreen17: (pinwheel)
i want something sugary! i just had my breakfast,which was mac and cheese. i have for years eaten breakfast as a regular meal. i eat breakfast foods when i want to also,but i just don't see the point in it having to be a certain time. also,mostly i started doing this because breakfast foods were pop tarts and donuts and other sugary things,and i need to eat some protein first thing or i'll be hungry all day. i eat sugary breakfast foods occasionally as desserts.

anyway,i'm too tired to get dressed and go out and get sugar right now,which is probably just as well. i'd like to go back to bed and listen to public radio,but they're doing pledge drives right now so there is only snippets of programming to listen to. maybe i can find a podcast or youtube vid to listen to if i bring my laptop into my bedroom. lately i've been listening to too many conspiracy theories by people who are scared and/or angry and it's obviously making them a 'little'? crazy. one reason i don't like most news programs is because they are sensationalist and low content,repeating the same things over and over. i like to watch pbs newshour because they go into depth with things,and are not just infotainment. you also get more actual information,oddly enough,from the comedy central news shows. sheesh. anyway,the conspiracy theories are just making me more depressed than usual,and i don't need that. i include myself when i say humans are crazy. i want to be more forgiving of myself and the rest of the human race though...just hating republicans or reptiles or whatever...does not feed my soul or make anything better.
bluegreen17: (pinwheel)
today i looked up on psychology today's website to find a new therapist. the one i have been seeing for a year seems to be miles away from understanding much about me,and hasn't been much help. i feel badly,as she is kind,easygoing,and does not ask me to pay copays or deductibles...which is a loss for her. so i know she is not in it for the money. but,i think it is time for a change,because my life is very difficult and getting more so all the time,and i need a therapist who can help me. i did find one that is local and takes medicare. she works mostly with kids and young adults,but it includes those with selective mutism,so i'm thinking maybe she knows something about autism,which i need help with. she does work with some adults. i don't know if she is taking new patients...that's the next step. and it will probably cost me more too but i need the help,even though i have less money to spend. yes,i feel squeezed lately in many ways.

health issues are also getting worse.

thought i would try writing a bit more. i have a hard time connecting with people. not so much technically,but in the sense of finding connections that can be mutually beneficial and worth my spoons. that sounds more harsh than i mean it to be,but i have such a small collection of silverware. haha. gonna go take a nap.
bluegreen17: (pinwheel)
tumblr,after five plus years of being my 'go to' is beginning to weary me,for reasons i will not talk about right now. i've been trying to navigate my way and learn to use reddit.

today,i thought i would try to find someone interested in 'thomas pynchon' whose writing i'm in love with at the moment, on livejournal,but all the searches turn up people who write in russian.
bluegreen17: (pinwheel)
Originally posted by [ profile] spacefem at friends history
many years ago, we had the marnanel joule that kept track of our friends history. but it went away around 2011. in fact a lot of livejournal has changed since then.

this year I woke up, realized my friends list was getting a bit slow, and resolved to liven it up again. treat livejournal as if it's a hot new social network and go after some circles. it worked fabulously, I no longer think this place is "dying", it just took a little initiative. I don't need a network of millions of people for this place to feel cool again. I need, like, 100. So I made some new friends.

but I had no friends history because the joule was gone.

so I recoded it, and it's here. obviously I can't promise it will live forever, but has been going strong since 2002 or so.

I also made a friends table widget that churns through your friends to tell you who's still updating... it's slower. this one is good for a quick glance of what's going on. and you can check it up to once a week:

Who's friended you today?

Show me the friends of:

by [ profile] spacefem get yours here

bluegreen17: (snoopy catch)
friday already! that means tomorrow there's a new doctor who to watch. always a highlight of the week.

got a couple of responses today...from my landlord regarding some paperwork i need,and from a prospective new therapist that takes medicare and has an office nearby. also paid a couple of bills by phone. so not a do-nothing day. even though my productivity is pitiful according to average standards,it's been okay this week. one day was a total wipeout/sleepin. but that's better than three of those days in a row.

started reading 'emperor of all maladies' which is a history of cancer,after finishing 'the hot zone',about ebola. studying about some medical history. my interest in learning is trumping my hypochondria at the moment. becoming interested in a subject is one of the best medicines for what ails me. speaking of which,going on the premise that the cause of my acid reflux is that i don't have ENOUGH stomach acid to digest my food and so it just sits there and pushes up above the esophagaul sphincter,i have started taking a pepsin/hcl supplement. taking the smallest possible dose with meals,and it seems to be helping. i feel like i'm actually digesting some food. it's actually weird to be 'regular',to be blunt,but i feel a bit better.

on that note...ha. okay,i'll talk about the cat. during a fight over my spot on the couch,i decide to remove her,and she did not like that,and her teeth made contact with my wrist. luckily,i was just scraped,and she did not draw blood. i have to be more careful. the antibiotics they give you for cat bites is nasty,and medical attention costs money. i need a hazmat suit to pick up sunny. well,maybe just some gardening gloves or rubber gloves or something. some kind of 'protection'.

michael stipe is now an art professor. awesome.

the offerings on pbs are not as exciting tonight as it was on tuesday (nature,nova,frontline) or wednesday,but still better than pledge time. is it baseball season yet?
bluegreen17: (pinwheel)
posting this for my own reference and anyone else who might be interested.

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