life's rich pageant

still angry but not as much

2026-02-07T13:51:29Z

hmmm...

i'm still angry like a volcano but learning to let off some steam a little bit.

back to being addicted to online jigsaw puzzles. could be worse!

comments

hello dreamwidth

2024-02-08T10:54:54Z

you are wonderful and i'm glad you're still here. hope to be back more often.

comments

i was born angry

2022-04-11T21:07:36Z

i was born angry and i've pushed it further and further down ever since. now i feel like a volcano.

comments

bluegreen17 @ 2022-03-17T19:47:00

2022-03-17T23:47:49Z

well,st. patrick's day has been good here so far,even though he had nothing to do with it. and what did he have against snakes,probably a code name for pagans,like lizards are supposedly jews. ugh.

my sis sara,who i live with,helped me sort out some old clothes i was not using and that were in a pile of washed but dusty laundry. she bagged them up for me too. i have so little energy,and she was happy to help.

i also had my first cadbury creme egg in ages. couldn't find any cadbury screem eggs at halloween time!

and so it goes. doing jigsaws online and trying to get back into more reading...part of my brain really needs that,and the other part of brain is not helping. trying to get the two to some agreement with gentle persuasion.

comments

update of sorts. not carnival

2022-03-13T23:05:31Z

taking a break from my manic escapistic jigsaw puzzle mania to write this and try to mingle more on dreamwidth.

don't know how much i'll write as i'm more a reader and commenter these days and my life is boring. or at least appears boring. a lot happens in my mind.

listening to good old dan fogelberg and going to check out some booktubes later.

comments

2021

2021-01-10T21:32:06Z

just making a post as a placeholder for now.

the world is crazy,i'm exhausted etc etc.

comments

bluegreen17 @ 2019-07-02T18:47:00

2019-07-02T22:48:24Z

looking for something to interest me. bad anhedonia. too interesting for open diary and too boring for dreamwidth. i blame it on the solar eclipse for now.

comments

rambling and some tv

2018-05-16T21:10:33Z

i haven't appreciated dreamwidth for being here properly,by using it. i think i'm intimidated by all the cool people on my reading list, and i am so dull.

recently,open diary rose from the ashes and since before its demise,i had a lifetime membership,they are still honoring it,which is nice. lots of old folks on open diary,and i mean i'm one of them. they are now charging 4 dollars a month or you can pay yearly. i'm glad i don't have to pay. money is such a difficulty for me. right now,though the senate just voted to repeal the repeal of net neutrality,it still needs to go through the house and president,and it doesn't look good. i'm worried that i will be charged per site and will have to forego so many things i have gotten used to having. damn,the internet is a utility! so much is done online. it is an outrage to have repealed net neutrality in the first place,amongst many outrageous things. now let's cut food stamps,which are inadequate and difficult to get even when one is eligible because of all the hoops...and that's probably by design.

but i will stop for now. probably rambling on because i had coffee ice cream today,and yes that gives me a caffeine boost,since i don't consume much caffeine.

in happier news,i've been getting various free trials for tv streaming though i'm running out of them. but i am going to get a freebie from cbs so i can watch the latest star trek,as i haven't seen any of it. i think it has been on netflix in some countries,though,but not here in usa.

one show i recently got into is timeless. i love time travel stuff and now i'm invested in the story and characters. they are at risk of being cancelled and there has been no word yet,but i hope they get renewed.

comments

how microdoses of lsd might help depressives and others have better days

2018-02-19T07:51:12Z

a really good day: how microdosing made a mega difference in my mood,my marriage and my life by ayelet waldeman

i am giving this book four stars because it has really important info for those who suffer from mental illness,and gives me hope. also,for ayelet's bravery in doing this experiment and then writing about it. though she mentions other drugs,her experiment is with microdoses of lsd and done with a very careful protocol. at the doses she took,she did not have hallucinations but she did have some good days and relief from mental and physical pain at times.

i kind of got stuck for a while,because i wasn't really all that interested in her day to day life,and yet when i finished it,i realized that those very things are important to the narrative. it is the story of her experiment,and how it worked or didn't work for her. she also includes some very good info and background on the war on drugs and illegal drugs in general. i wish i could try mdma...i think it might help with my complex ptsd issues. i may not live to see these drugs used carefully to help people like myself,but i'm glad that some are doing the work of experimenting to help folks in the future. it makes me sad that i can't try these things...under supervision,of course,so that i could feel better,because nothing has worked for me and i'm missing out on life. i hope to try low thc marijuana at some point...hoping it gets legalized for recreational use in new hampshire soon,as has recently been done in massachusetts,maine,and vermont,and though medical marijuana is legal in nh i don't have money to pay a practitioner to prescribe it for me. right now we have a republican governor and major republicans so it might be a while,but we have been heading in that direction. probably should have tried it illegally when i had a chance and connections a few years back...just to see if it would help me. alas.

comments

health/history

2017-07-09T18:30:42Z

good grief,i have been feeling really lousy lately. i have chronic issues,but for over a month now,i've had a steady flare of digestive problems. it really overwhelms me because even before this flare-up,i had a lot of health issues and other things in life i needed to attend to,and now this just throws a big monkeywrench right in the works there.

i blame it on trump. seriously,his being president has made me sicker than i would be,with all the stress and worry about what he's gonna do.

to cheer myself up a little,i've been reading a book called 'get well soon:history's worst plagues and the heroes who fought them' by jennifer wright. i love medical history,and this was really a good book. just finished it.

comments

meta: journaling on dw and lj for more interaction

2017-07-05T20:23:22Z

a post with pointers about how to get the conversation/interaction going on dw and lj:

https://siderea.dreamwidth.org/870941.html

comments

my life as an anchorite

2017-06-23T19:41:16Z

a friend on fb was talking about having a favorite table at starbucks and i left this long comment which i like enough to reproduce here:

i used to have a favorite seat in the breakroom at work at b&n...can't remember if i glared,but it threw me off if someone else sat there. one of my workbuddies said if i didn't sit there,the world wouldn't be anchored properly. he understood! then they started moving the tables around in a different configuration and later took away the desk i had in the back room to work on. no wonder i had two nervous breakdowns resulting in my 'early retirement'*. that's actually symbolic of all the other work changes that were done definitely not to enhance employees lives and put me over the edge beyond my coping mechanisms of my lifelong depression and anxiety!

*early retirement meaning applying for and now living in poverty on ssdi. i'm 'lucky' i was able to work for thirty years despite my disabilities so i was actually able to get it. it isn't enough,and neither will my regular social security be when i get it,because my anxiety and depression issues limited what jobs i could do,and after trying one managerial job that was too much for me,i had low paying jobs in retail without trying to move up. i also started out with a b.a. in history to spring me to an entry level social services job,which i found for the same reasons...anxiety and depression...i couldn't really do and be functional,so i turned to working in retail,mostly bookstores,because i love reading. that is my saga. part of it,anyway!

comments

bluegreen17 @ 2017-06-05T08:56:00

2017-06-05T13:12:25Z

got up early today because my blood sugar has been wacko and i've been hungry for the last day or so. yeah,too many sweets,for one thing,but i also think i'm not absorbing nutrients from the good stuff. so i got up and had a high protein meal along with a digestive supplement and hope i get some nutrition in my system and feel better.

hoping to get to the library today. i need to make photocopies of some paperwork i'm doing to renew the life insurance policy i get from long term disability company. because i have a mental issue,and i guess it was legal at the time,they stopped paying me after two years...limitations on 'mental' health. ugh. if i had more energy,i might fight it and/or have already fought it. could use the extra income,even though it wasn't much. so challenging to live these days. hoping to retain the life insurance at least to pay for my burial!

also going to look for a zecharia sitchin...the twelfth planet guy...book at the library just because i feel like reading some interesting out there theories.

last night i watched the first four episodes of 'the keepers' which is about a nun's murder in baltimore and corruption in the catholic church. i'm not shocked anymore after all i've learned these past years, and i've watched 'spotlight' but this series is so heartwrenching especially for one particular woman whom the series focused on.

i don't know what it says about me,but i chose this over doing yet some other paperwork i need to fill out to renew my license this week. i find paperwork intimidating and hate it! i like history and true crime and depressing documentary viewing much more than paperwork,and that's putting it mildly,because i watch that stuff even when i'm not procrastinating.

don't know if i should try to get some rest or stay awake and watch the last three episodes of that series. i will probably crash whenever i do lie down,and then it's hard to get out of bed. it could be two hours or ten hours,and i do want to go with my sis sara to the library later on today. but if i try to stay up i'll just be exhausting myself even more than usual,and that's not good for me. i will lie down and listen to public radio since there is a lot of good programming on during the day,and if i fall asleep i may get some rest.

comments

language in egypt/personal whining

2017-05-27T11:01:10Z

i just finished reading an article about language in egypt and i think i'm going to have to read it again,because i'm not sure i understood it the first time. it's a complicated subject,and influenced by politics and other social sciences. '

www.newyorker.com/magazine/2017/04/17/learning-arabic-from-egypts-revolution by peter hessler

if i can figure out how to do it,this will be followed by a 'read more' because the rest is kvetching. my apologies if it doesn't work...i'll try again another time!
( Read more... )

comments

what do you do with the mad that you feel?

2017-05-26T01:58:00Z

feeling pretty lousy. i got gum inflammation which i am treating with coconut oil and myrrh powder,but it will take a bit of time. also,tree pollen is high which is why i think everything hurts more,especially my sinuses and face. so that on top of the usual stuff i deal with daily.

giving myself some time to rest as much as possible today. i did get a few things done this week,including picking up my new glasses,even if i don't like the new frames...they're almost the same,but not the same as my old ones,and i liked those,but hey i was limited with the budget collection. i've been even more fussbudgetty than usual the last few days adjusting to my new glasses..the lens,of course,mostly.

other things i got done are even more mundane so i'm not going to mention them.

on a happier note,my sis rachel pointed me to a currently ongoing mister rogers' neighborhood marathon that is going on for the next few days,so i watched some this morning and it put me in a better mood,thank goodness. if you think i'm grumpy now,you would not want to have encountered me this morning!

if anyone else likes or would like to try the calming effect of mister rogers with no bad side effects,here is a link

www.twitch.tv/misterrogers

comments

bluegreen17 @ 2017-05-23T10:29:00

2017-05-23T14:35:50Z

i watched episode 8 of 'call the midwife' last night and enjoyed it. i think it is also the last of the series. i'm waiting for the library to get the season in so i can watch the early episodes i missed.

i started watching 'the discovery' on netflix and am very curious about it and want to continue,but this morning not only are my eyes hurting,pretty sure because i'm getting used to my new glasses i picked up yesterday,and i've also got a bad gum irritation because of either accidentally brushing or chewing on my gums where i have no teeth. i put some coconut oil on it and hope it doesn't get infected. if it doesn't feel better later i may add some myrrh powder too...it tastes like chalk but does help for gum and tooth stuff as i've used it before.

i think i'm gonna go lie down and listen to public radio for a while. i am sooo sooo sick of the trump presidency,but then again i never wanted it.

comments

who ran away with the spoons?

2017-05-17T01:09:26Z

i just came home from the library and grocery store and i’m more exhausted that i normally would be from that. i probably am still recuperating from last week’s two and half day kitchen plumbing adventure which was nerve wracking but everything came out in the end,literally. our sink was backed up with sludge/grease from before the FLOOD. yes,i mean the biblical one,and yes i am exaggerating a little. main point being,they left with a bunch of our spoons and i think forks too. haha.

the library had a bunch of new books which is always fun. i returned neal stephenson's 'anathem' because i had renewed it twice and have barely started,so i will try again later. i really do want to read but the mental energy for focus has been low. i borrowed three nonfiction books which cover 'body horror',the lakota pine ridge reservation, and a book about reading. i love those meta book books. also got the latest fiction by cory doctorow which looks interesting. we shall see. i am more likely to take books on test drives than actually read them these days. when i was a kid i went from one book to the next to the next. more time elapsed as i got into high school and then four years of college,because i had to read and write so much,but i still read and wrote journals most of the time.

i also looked for the video of 'all the president's men' but someone has checked it out. i wonder why anyone has watergate on their mind these days? that only deserves one 'ha'.

comments

shall we talk about the weather? hi hi hi

2017-05-16T02:33:16Z

well,climate change has already changed my plans for this week. sara had scheduled a pickup for an old oak table on thursday and then we were gonna proceed to clean out her storage unit to save the money that it is costing per month,which is a lot. most of the stuff has been removed,and sorted and hauled to goodwill,etc. with some of it ending up in my dining corner,but hey i'm already paying renting for that.

HOWEVER,it is supposed to be ninety degrees on thursday and as sara and i both have chronic health issues, and would have to wait during a three hour window for the pickup at the store facility without use of a bathroom and needing hydration especially for our poor old challenged bodies,this is not a wise thing to do. not to mention driving to the facility an hour away in a car that isn't the best at air conditioning, so we are rescheduling and hoping it's not a bad weather day next time,though that is quite the gamble.

the way i look at it,we would have both crashed and flared afterwards at best,and one or both end up in the emergency at worst,so no thanks. from a vulcan point of view,it would be like hikers having to be rescued at great expense to others because we didn't take into account weather conditions. illogical. i'm gonna do a retry on this one.

other than that,i paid some bills today and slept and had some small good dreams and a long harrowing nightmare i think helped by my worrying about the plan for thursday,and having to negotiate with stubborn sis (to be fair,i am stubborn too) about adjusting our plans and thus messing with how we wanted to get things done. but we've done that for now,so i feel a bit better.

couldn't find a baseball game on the radio tonight so i'm guessing the red sox have this monday off.

astrid spent much of the day snoozing at the end of my bed,which she rarely does...she usually snuggles up near me,under the covers,or isn't there at all...is in sara's room or the living room. but today i cracked the window open a little to get some fresh air. didn't want to open it wide because i'm afraid astrid will break through the screen and fall from our second story window,which would not be good. so she at least could smell,hear,and feel the air from the outside while she was there. if she was a talkative cat,i think she might say meownice.

comments

call the midwife/called the plumber

2017-05-15T01:12:11Z

firstly,i'll mention that i wanted to watch call the midwife season six via pbs online,because no cable,and it turned out that they are up to episode seven and only have the two newest online to watch. so i watched those,even though i hadn't seen the earlier episodes. i put my name on the dvd set that the library has on order. i also hadn't watched the christmas special,and at least that was on netflix,so i watched that this afternoon. of course,i cried. that show always makes me cry,but in a good way,mostly. love so many of the characters.i'm thinking of doing a rewatch via netflix of all the seasons. i'm pretty sure i've seen most of them,but there might be gaps.

well,it's been quite a week. not in a good way,surprise! wednesday night our kitchen sink backed up with black water and it turned out the plumbing was no longer flowing when our neighbor used her kitchen sink above us. so,she had to stop using her sink and dishwasher,and we couldn't use our kitchen much at all,because there were dirty dishes piled on the stove that would have been washed.

a plumber and then later two working together spent several hours trying to fix the problem on thursday,noisily snaking through the plumbing,but did not reach the clog before they had to leave for a septic tank emergency. they came back and tried again for awhile,but concluded they would have to open up the wall of our downstairs neighbors bathroom to try to snake from there,and they were going to arrive early friday to do that. well,friday they did not show up until 3 in the afternoon because of some other emergency,and then there were four plumbers being overseen by the realty person who manages the condo buildings,working on the floor under us as well as in our kitchen for close to four hours more. finally,finally,when things were not looking good,and i'm sure they were not thrilled to be working late on a friday anymore than we were enjoying their noisy messy company (black water and sludge...or as my sis sara called it 'primordial ooze' was under the sink and on the floor and it was disgusting...they finally got to the clog,which wasn't anything in particular but a clump of the ooze,and the water finally flowed where it was supposed to.

man,that was a nerve wracking couple of days for sara and i. we are both anxious sensitive souls and i'm mostly exhausted all the time,but i couldn't rest or sleep and sara has been extra tired this week because of being on a course of strong antibiotics for a bad cat scratch bestowed accidentally by astrid earlier in the week.

and as kurt vonnegut says, and so it goes.

comments

bluegreen17 @ 2017-05-07T21:22:00

2017-05-08T01:42:25Z

not much news,but i don't live a very newsy life,for better and worse!

just wanted to communicate,though.

i've watched three of the new doctor who episodes. haven't watched thin ice yet...i jumped ahead to be in tune with others on the current eps,but i'll probably catch up this week. really like new companion,bill. i hope they don't muck it up by having her falling in love with the doctor,even though she is supposed to 'mostly'...it seems to be hedging a bit they way it is written...like girls. i don't mind if she grows to love the doctor...just hate the angsty relationships,though i'm pretty sure i'm in the minority there. i couldn't,well,DIDN'T, watch the last two years because of clara. couldn't stand her. not the actress,the character. i'm a big peter capaldi fan and i am still annoyed over the fact that two of his years as the doctor were ruined for me. alas. probably a some of those opinions stem from my age,but i'm not neurotypical either,so...i'm not even typically neurodiverse either...i don't belong anywhere but with others who don't belong anywhere...boohoo...thank goodness for the island of misfit toys.

just started reading neal stephenson's 'anathem' and if i didn't ALREADY think he was a genius...well,i would now. he's got a mind and writing style i surely appreciate.i haven't read the glossary because i plan to pretty much figure out terms by context,but i did read the first of the appendix,which was some math problem which didn't click with me. not surprised.

i am trying to replace an earworm by listening to some of my blipfm tunes. also,my stomach feels eh.

tomorrow if things go as planned i will pick out some eyeglass frames and get my glasses order. i hope i can find some frames that are cheap that i don't hate. my glasses are part of my general appearance,so i'm a bit fussy about them even as i can't afford much beyond the budget collection,and i investigated online but my prescription is too complex...very nearsighted,with bifocals now,to not get my glasses ordered directly from my eye doctor. my prescription is so strong i need to pick out small narrow frames so i won't get a pain in the neck from the weight of them. i usually get generic wire oval shapes,but this time most of the budget frames were rectangular,and i want oval,so they talked to a rep and got a couple of things for me to look at this week. i also don't like dark colored frames. my skin tone is more olive than pink but my hair is silver gray...i could be wrong but i think the dark frames just make my complexion look more...sallow. i'm not healthy,but i don't exactly want to emphasize that!

i will stop babbling now and go do something else.

comments

bluegreen17 @ 2017-05-05T00:12:00

2017-05-05T04:28:05Z

listening to my personal collection on blip fm. mostly stuck in my fave eighties but the occasional newer stuff.

today was nice and cool.

a comment from a friend on tumblr,which is my place for pretty pictures,funny stuff,and cute animals,etc. and also other stuff but not so much writing,sent me researching some stuff on catholicism. i'm a lapsed catholic.i grew up in a church and went to catholic school for my first four years after kindergarten in a parish called sacred heart/sacre coeur. i didn't know much about the devotion to the sacred heart,but i like it. it's all inclusive,and that's what i believe,whether i am able to believe in a deity or not,which fluctuates. it's a hippy dippy thing to say but i believe in god as love. i'm slightly too young to be an original hippy and was a little punkish in the diy manner of speaking,during the eighties,but since r.e.m. was my favorite band amongst tons of others,i was mostly into 'alternative',i guess.

i thoroughly depressed myself last night by reading about niburu/planet x,the brown dwarf that was supposed to hit us today. or maybe in september. i like conspiracy theories because they are creative and different...well,at least some of them are,but most of them are right leaning and i lean left mostly. i'm a fan of pope francis and i still pray to saints,especially saint anthony,who helps me find things including peace of mind at times,and a lot of these folks think that the jesuits and pope francis are the anti-christ. my choice for anti-christ is someone far different! ha.

well,i'm all over the place here,but i have an ailment name for that! i'm not the best or certainly not the most organized writer but i do try to communicate. in fact,i don't even like writing all that much,which makes me much different than most folks on this website or even a lot of the internet,but i'm a reader and learner and i love the internet for that. also,i love to communicate even if it does take effort and i'm not one of those writers who love to write. sometimes i enjoy it a little though,so...

comments

eyes!

2017-04-27T16:13:41Z

i don’t want to say this too loudly,but i haven’t even had my coffee yet and i’m feeling okay. the reason i am drinking coffee…or in my case,an almond milk mocha drink i got at the supermarket…is because i have a late day eye appointment and i need to wash up and get dressed and go to it and that is a lot for me to do. i will mostly liked crash tomorrow. it’s not the ideal way to do things,but sometimes it’s just about the only way to do something for me.

i had a chicken panini with cheese on sourdough for breakfast…one of those frozen things but still delicious. it’s a treat for me.

i had to call and arrange for my eye exam and glasses that i will be ordering…i am very nearsighted as well as needing bifocals since ten years ago,so my lenses alone are very expensive…to be paid for from my special needs health trust,which was originally supposed to be a used car fund but will probably get used up and leave me carless unless i have a miracle recovery or a lottery win or find a rich spouse…though i have nothing to offer anyone!

i haven’t had anything but generic cheap frames for years now…i’m tempted to get something fashionable,but that’s probably not a good idea because i may have these glasses for the rest of my life,which hopefully will be longer than fashion. i also might re-use some old frames,which would be the ultimate savings for frames,but that is so depressing,although usually the new ones i get look pretty much like the ones i have been wearing for years. i don’t HATE them,but.. i wear glasses all the time except when i am sleeping,and it would be nice to have frames i liked a lot. i will probably decide when i go and look at the prices at the eye doctors…

comments

our hellfuture has arrived!

2017-04-25T00:11:44Z

sara,ostrich (astrid) and i were just sitting here doing our things...sara watching something on her lappy,me listening to tunes and flittin’ around the internet on my lappy,and ostrich napping in one of her ten million favorite spots...when,despite our headphones,sara and i heard a sound...

a drone just flew by our slider door window. oh boy. great to know someone in our building complex has one. oh joy!

comments

about my spoonie life/life with chronic illness

2017-04-23T15:56:59Z

my goal for today...and i usually have one goal only,because i'm being realistic...is to empty the dryer and put my clean clothes away. i'm thrilled that i actually had the energy to do laundry yesterday.

if you know what it is like to have very limited energy,this will make sense. if not,it will sound ridiculous!

i'm tired already,and i've only eaten breakfast. but that is typical. often i get up,eat breakfast and then a couple hours or less later i go back to bed because i'm 'still' tired. then i sleep or rest if i can't sleep...often i listen to public radio... during the day for as long as i need to...usually four hours or so and sometimes way longer. i'm most likely to have a little bit of energy late afternoon/early evening,if at all.

in other news,i got a book*about a 'new' theory of emotions from the library,but as it turns out,it is really nothing new. or your mileage may vary...i've read a lot of this kind of stuff. if you have issues with mental and emotional stuff,it is suggested that...

you eat well,get enough sleep,and exercise! also,yes! yoga!

now,there is nothing wrong with that but some of us have heard that advice but not been listened to when we explain how hard that is to do...BECAUSE you are sick! also,when you are sick,it can often follow that you are poor and that means it is hard to eat well. etc. etc. etc.

some other easier things to do,depending on your capacity for them,is taking walks,reading books,watching movies and learning new words,or even languages. i am actually working on the latter,and it sure helps that i enjoy it. my latest goal is to learn the russian alphabet,and then learn a little russian,so when i am going through the 'latest' posts i can actually understand a word or two. it'a a good hobby for my brain.

meanwhile,i need to find some other topics to write about!

*how emotions are made by lisa feldman barrett

comments

carnivale/poster torn

2017-04-22T16:14:16Z

other than having trouble chewing my broccoli,which is another sob story of the state of my teeth and needing dentures because i'm too poor for implants blah blah blah...

today has been pretty good. i finished 'carnivale' season 2 last night and i really enjoyed those two seasons. in spite of the fact that there are no more seasons,i'm glad those two exist,and now i'm surfing the net trying to find other people who love it and more of the story if i can. meanwhile,i've researched the creator of the show and almost bought a book by him at the bookstore,but had some willpower and will get it through interlibrary loan instead. it was helpful that when i went to the library today,there was lots of new stuff,plus they had season 2 of mister robot which i want to see,and so does my sister. we're trying to decide if we should rewatch season 1 first,though my vote would be just to jump in with season 2,because i'm just not as much of a completist,i guess?

( Read more... )

comments