bluegreen17 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
bluegreen17) wrote2003-03-13 12:24 pm
bluegreen17) wrote2003-03-13 12:24 pm
for me,boredom => depression. ugh.
fuck. i'm really depressed again.
my last entry was about my agitation at being really bored. now i remember why i GET so agitated when i'm bored...i know it's going to lead to this. i don't know if boredom causes me to be depressed or it's just the first indications of depression. in kind of think the former,because last week i was home and i wasn't bored because i could indulge in my scholarly,bookish,and conversational (albeit via internet,but usually those are more interesting than the ones i have with people i corporeal life) pursuits. whereas at work i've got to do what i've got to do and often i get bored easily. and,yes,i get miserable easily!
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aprilstorme left me a note mentioning how important it is to have some sort of purpose; for life to have meaning.
i like my job but don't feel ultimately that it has much meaning. and i don't feel like my life has much meaning beyond not inconviencing my family with either my life or my death! and i don't know where to find meaning,though sometimes i have insights when i'm feeling okay. but then they go away when i'm feeling low again so i'm not sure what good they are!
i read something recently of how people who are depressed have empathy for others,but not for themselves. how true. when i'm depressed i think of how my depression is a nuisance to everyone else at the least and really painful for me and i think it's my fault and i'm a bad person. and i forgot that sometimes i do good things for other people,but i wish i could i do them more often than i do.
sometimes i try to find a purpose but somehow eventually life or maybe it's just my brain will convince me that what purpose i have chosen for myself isn't worth anything. it's not like i'm not trying...i keep buying self-help and spiritual books and i keep searching and searching and trying different things mentally,but i always seem to end up back here. i know i may feel okay again but what's hard is when i feel okay it usually doesn't last long and i know i'll feel bad again.
it's weird,it's like i am depressed about being depressed,which makes it worse. i feel like i can't tolerate bad feelings in myself and i know that aggravates it but i don't know how to stop my brain from doing that.
the peace and good spirits i got from my vacation lasted for less than two days. well,that's better than the half hour it usually takes to be back to feeling stressed and irritated. last week i gambled in the sense that i told myself i would try to relax as much as possible in spite of the thousands of things on my to-do list. i was hoping i would have renewed energy and focus and get my life on a better track. i'm a stupid optimist,really,when i dont' feel like crap. one extreme to the other. well,like i said,it lasted for a little less than two days. so i really lost the gamble,because if i'd been able to force myself to do some of those things i don't want to do last week,i wouldn't have them still sitting around mocking me and making me feel more depressed now.
as the medical jargon would say, i'm having suicidal ideation but not intent. sadly,the older i get the stronger the intent gets. when i was younger i had more hope that life would get better. now i try to hold on to hope,but it's getting smaller and smaller like a bar of soap. i wonder where i can get a new bar when this runs out? hmmm...
well,that's not a very good analogy,but that's all i've got for now.
fuck. i'm really depressed again.
my last entry was about my agitation at being really bored. now i remember why i GET so agitated when i'm boredom...i know it's going to lead to this. i don't know if boredom causes me to be depressed or it's just the first indications of depression. in kind of think the former,because last week i was home and i wasn't bored because i could indulge in my scholarly,bookish,and conversational (albeit via internet,but usually those are more interesting than the ones i have with people i corporeal life) pursuits. whereas at work i've got to do what i've got to do and often i get bored easily. and,yes,i get miserable easily!
aprilstorme left me a note mentioning how important it is to have some sort of purpose; for life to have meaning.
i like my job but don't feel ultimately that it has much meaning. and i don't feel like my life has much meaning beyond not inconviencing my family with either my life or my death! and i don't know where to find meaning,though sometimes i have insights when i'm feeling okay. but then they go away when i'm feeling low again so i'm not sure what good they are!
i read something recently of how people who are depressed have empathy for others,but not for themselves. how true. when i'm depressed i think of how my depression is a nuisance to everyone else at the least and really painful for me and i think it's my fault and i'm a bad person. and i forgot that sometimes i do good things for other people,but i wish i could i do them more often than i do.
sometimes i try to find a purpose but somehow eventually life or maybe it's just my brain will convince me that what purpose i have chosen for myself isn't worth anything. it's not like i'm not trying...i keep buying self-help and spiritual books and i keep searching and searching and trying different things mentally,but i always seem to end up back here. i know i may feel okay again but what's hard is when i feel okay it usually doesn't last long and i know i'll feel bad again.
it's weird,it's like i am depressed about being depressed,which makes it worse. i feel like i can't tolerate bad feelings in myself and i know that aggravates it but i don't know how to stop my brain from doing that.
the peace and good spirits i got from my vacation lasted for less than two days. well,that's better than the half hour it usually takes to be back to feeling stressed and irritated. last week i gambled in the sense that i told myself i would try to relax as much as possible in spite of the thousands of things on my to-do list. i was hoping i would have renewed energy and focus and get my life on a better track. i'm a stupid optimist,really,when i dont' feel like crap. one extreme to the other. well,like i said,it lasted for a little less than two days. so i really lost the gamble,because if i'd been able to force myself to do some of those things i don't want to do last week,i wouldn't have them still sitting around mocking me and making me feel more depressed now.
as the medical jargon would say, i'm having suicidal ideation but not intent. sadly,the older i get the stronger the intent gets. when i was younger i had more hope that life would get better. now i try to hold on to hope,but it's getting smaller and smaller like a bar of soap. i wonder where i can get a new bar when this runs out? hmmm...
well,that's not a very good analogy,but that's all i've got for now.
i wish i could find a job where i could stay home if i felt too depressed and it wouldn't inconvience other people and also i'd still be able to support myself! ha,dream on...i don't know where i'd be able to find such a situation. a stupid 'if only'...if only i was independently wealthy,i could nurture myself when i need to and do some meaningful volunteer work when i felt up to it. oh,well.
my last entry was about my agitation at being really bored. now i remember why i GET so agitated when i'm bored...i know it's going to lead to this. i don't know if boredom causes me to be depressed or it's just the first indications of depression. in kind of think the former,because last week i was home and i wasn't bored because i could indulge in my scholarly,bookish,and conversational (albeit via internet,but usually those are more interesting than the ones i have with people i corporeal life) pursuits. whereas at work i've got to do what i've got to do and often i get bored easily. and,yes,i get miserable easily!
aprilstorme left me a note mentioning how important it is to have some sort of purpose; for life to have meaning.i like my job but don't feel ultimately that it has much meaning. and i don't feel like my life has much meaning beyond not inconviencing my family with either my life or my death! and i don't know where to find meaning,though sometimes i have insights when i'm feeling okay. but then they go away when i'm feeling low again so i'm not sure what good they are!
i read something recently of how people who are depressed have empathy for others,but not for themselves. how true. when i'm depressed i think of how my depression is a nuisance to everyone else at the least and really painful for me and i think it's my fault and i'm a bad person. and i forgot that sometimes i do good things for other people,but i wish i could i do them more often than i do.
sometimes i try to find a purpose but somehow eventually life or maybe it's just my brain will convince me that what purpose i have chosen for myself isn't worth anything. it's not like i'm not trying...i keep buying self-help and spiritual books and i keep searching and searching and trying different things mentally,but i always seem to end up back here. i know i may feel okay again but what's hard is when i feel okay it usually doesn't last long and i know i'll feel bad again.
it's weird,it's like i am depressed about being depressed,which makes it worse. i feel like i can't tolerate bad feelings in myself and i know that aggravates it but i don't know how to stop my brain from doing that.
the peace and good spirits i got from my vacation lasted for less than two days. well,that's better than the half hour it usually takes to be back to feeling stressed and irritated. last week i gambled in the sense that i told myself i would try to relax as much as possible in spite of the thousands of things on my to-do list. i was hoping i would have renewed energy and focus and get my life on a better track. i'm a stupid optimist,really,when i dont' feel like crap. one extreme to the other. well,like i said,it lasted for a little less than two days. so i really lost the gamble,because if i'd been able to force myself to do some of those things i don't want to do last week,i wouldn't have them still sitting around mocking me and making me feel more depressed now.
as the medical jargon would say, i'm having suicidal ideation but not intent. sadly,the older i get the stronger the intent gets. when i was younger i had more hope that life would get better. now i try to hold on to hope,but it's getting smaller and smaller like a bar of soap. i wonder where i can get a new bar when this runs out? hmmm...
well,that's not a very good analogy,but that's all i've got for now.
fuck. i'm really depressed again.
my last entry was about my agitation at being really bored. now i remember why i GET so agitated when i'm boredom...i know it's going to lead to this. i don't know if boredom causes me to be depressed or it's just the first indications of depression. in kind of think the former,because last week i was home and i wasn't bored because i could indulge in my scholarly,bookish,and conversational (albeit via internet,but usually those are more interesting than the ones i have with people i corporeal life) pursuits. whereas at work i've got to do what i've got to do and often i get bored easily. and,yes,i get miserable easily!
aprilstorme left me a note mentioning how important it is to have some sort of purpose; for life to have meaning.i like my job but don't feel ultimately that it has much meaning. and i don't feel like my life has much meaning beyond not inconviencing my family with either my life or my death! and i don't know where to find meaning,though sometimes i have insights when i'm feeling okay. but then they go away when i'm feeling low again so i'm not sure what good they are!
i read something recently of how people who are depressed have empathy for others,but not for themselves. how true. when i'm depressed i think of how my depression is a nuisance to everyone else at the least and really painful for me and i think it's my fault and i'm a bad person. and i forgot that sometimes i do good things for other people,but i wish i could i do them more often than i do.
sometimes i try to find a purpose but somehow eventually life or maybe it's just my brain will convince me that what purpose i have chosen for myself isn't worth anything. it's not like i'm not trying...i keep buying self-help and spiritual books and i keep searching and searching and trying different things mentally,but i always seem to end up back here. i know i may feel okay again but what's hard is when i feel okay it usually doesn't last long and i know i'll feel bad again.
it's weird,it's like i am depressed about being depressed,which makes it worse. i feel like i can't tolerate bad feelings in myself and i know that aggravates it but i don't know how to stop my brain from doing that.
the peace and good spirits i got from my vacation lasted for less than two days. well,that's better than the half hour it usually takes to be back to feeling stressed and irritated. last week i gambled in the sense that i told myself i would try to relax as much as possible in spite of the thousands of things on my to-do list. i was hoping i would have renewed energy and focus and get my life on a better track. i'm a stupid optimist,really,when i dont' feel like crap. one extreme to the other. well,like i said,it lasted for a little less than two days. so i really lost the gamble,because if i'd been able to force myself to do some of those things i don't want to do last week,i wouldn't have them still sitting around mocking me and making me feel more depressed now.
as the medical jargon would say, i'm having suicidal ideation but not intent. sadly,the older i get the stronger the intent gets. when i was younger i had more hope that life would get better. now i try to hold on to hope,but it's getting smaller and smaller like a bar of soap. i wonder where i can get a new bar when this runs out? hmmm...
well,that's not a very good analogy,but that's all i've got for now.
i wish i could find a job where i could stay home if i felt too depressed and it wouldn't inconvience other people and also i'd still be able to support myself! ha,dream on...i don't know where i'd be able to find such a situation. a stupid 'if only'...if only i was independently wealthy,i could nurture myself when i need to and do some meaningful volunteer work when i felt up to it. oh,well.
no subject
Sometimes looking for the meaning in life works against our ability to find it, though...