bluegreen17 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
bluegreen17) wrote2003-03-16 09:07 pm
bluegreen17) wrote2003-03-16 09:07 pm
show me where the god of love is...
i'm feeling blue and earlier today i was also seeing red,so i wrote an angry letter to god. it's pretty childish,but it has some merit,i suppose,in pointing some things out to me in the writing of it. got some anger off my chest and kept me busy so that i could forget about my actual feelings for a bit while writing it. that,of course,is probably part of my problem...not being able to tolerate my own emotions along with many other things in life that overwhelm me.
dear god,
i hope you'll forgive me for not believing in you. because you haven't made your existence too apparent to me lately. of course,it may be and probably is that i just don't understand a lot of things. that is so true.
anyway,i'm writing to a being whose existence i doubt because i'm tired of bothering everybody with my problems. if they could help,they probably would or would have already. but it seems they can't do anything to help me and my defective brain and body.
i think of suicide not because i really want to die,but because i want to have a good life and it seems impossible. it doesn't even seem possible for me to have a life that's not too bad. no,not even slightly not bad. nope. i guess that's too much to fuckin' ask for even when i had no choice to be here. and if this is some sort of karma retribution, whoever stacked up this bad karma is not anyone i know,even if it was 'me'. so how fair is that?
not to mention right now that nothing really makes any sense.
if i'm pissed off at you,and you're all knowing and all loving,what the hell is up with that? i wouldnt be pissed off if i was happy,and it seems i can only be happy for extremely short periods of time that go by all too quickly and much of the time i feel okay because i'm eating a substance (chocolate) which is probably at this rate going to destroy my esophagus and add to the hell that is my life. but i have to feel okay once in a while otherwise i can't bear to stay here. and the longer i stay here feeling this way the more motivated i get to find a way to end this all.
yeah,god,i'm threatening suicide to YOU. because i dont' think it's my fault i'm miserable so it must be your doing. because when anything good happens,i thank you for the crumbs you've thrown to me. so if the good is from you,so is all this pain and misery that constitutes most of my life.
what is up with that? and where the hell are you when your creations are in pain?
after writing this,in which i angrily doubt god's existence,i was sitting in front of my window and thinking of how bright and sunny it was outside...how beautiful the light is in all it's different slants at different times of day,and that led me to thinking about creation...the world and how beautiful some of it is,and how amazing it is,and i just feel i know that something magnificent created it. there's definitely something out there more powerful and intelligent than anyone i know. what saddens me,though,is that this being doesn't seem to be the god of love i always thought existed. and that god of love seems mostly missing,except for sparks of it i see in the kindness of humans and other creatures. heck,this probably sounds nutty (not that i care; i've had out-there thoughts all my life) but i think the trees and the sun are sometimes kind,though of course mother nature as a whole certainly isn't.
so what i sense is an all-powerful god who is not very loving. kind of like jehovah in the old testament. (i was raised catholic,so i got the impression of a loving god from the new testament and was confused about how mean and petty and immature god seemed in the old testament...he gives us rainbows because after the flood he kind of felt like a jerk for having such a huge tantrum and said 'i'll never do it again,and the rainbow is my symbol for that'. wow. it makes me think of that episode of the original star trek where this powerful being had a world to 'play with'. ha,sounds familiar.)
on the other hand,rabbi harold kushner's conclusion in when bad things happen to good people is that god is loving but not very powerful. that he wept outside the gates of the concentration camps. i don't say this to mock kushner. i respect his faith and how it helped him deal with the death of his child. i don't know if that's a jewish premise or just his,but it doesn't make sense to me. to me,a being that isn't powerful isn't god,because i equate god with being everything,no limitations.
i'd love it if someone could convince me that there's a god who cares and is willing to help out without asking people to follow a particular religion,because a god should be a god of all. at least i think so.
dear god,
i hope you'll forgive me for not believing in you. because you haven't made your existence too apparent to me lately. of course,it may be and probably is that i just don't understand a lot of things. that is so true.
anyway,i'm writing to a being whose existence i doubt because i'm tired of bothering everybody with my problems. if they could help,they probably would or would have already. but it seems they can't do anything to help me and my defective brain and body.
i think of suicide not because i really want to die,but because i want to have a good life and it seems impossible. it doesn't even seem possible for me to have a life that's not too bad. no,not even slightly not bad. nope. i guess that's too much to fuckin' ask for even when i had no choice to be here. and if this is some sort of karma retribution, whoever stacked up this bad karma is not anyone i know,even if it was 'me'. so how fair is that?
not to mention right now that nothing really makes any sense.
if i'm pissed off at you,and you're all knowing and all loving,what the hell is up with that? i wouldnt be pissed off if i was happy,and it seems i can only be happy for extremely short periods of time that go by all too quickly and much of the time i feel okay because i'm eating a substance (chocolate) which is probably at this rate going to destroy my esophagus and add to the hell that is my life. but i have to feel okay once in a while otherwise i can't bear to stay here. and the longer i stay here feeling this way the more motivated i get to find a way to end this all.
yeah,god,i'm threatening suicide to YOU. because i dont' think it's my fault i'm miserable so it must be your doing. because when anything good happens,i thank you for the crumbs you've thrown to me. so if the good is from you,so is all this pain and misery that constitutes most of my life.
what is up with that? and where the hell are you when your creations are in pain?
after writing this,in which i angrily doubt god's existence,i was sitting in front of my window and thinking of how bright and sunny it was outside...how beautiful the light is in all it's different slants at different times of day,and that led me to thinking about creation...the world and how beautiful some of it is,and how amazing it is,and i just feel i know that something magnificent created it. there's definitely something out there more powerful and intelligent than anyone i know. what saddens me,though,is that this being doesn't seem to be the god of love i always thought existed. and that god of love seems mostly missing,except for sparks of it i see in the kindness of humans and other creatures. heck,this probably sounds nutty (not that i care; i've had out-there thoughts all my life) but i think the trees and the sun are sometimes kind,though of course mother nature as a whole certainly isn't.
so what i sense is an all-powerful god who is not very loving. kind of like jehovah in the old testament. (i was raised catholic,so i got the impression of a loving god from the new testament and was confused about how mean and petty and immature god seemed in the old testament...he gives us rainbows because after the flood he kind of felt like a jerk for having such a huge tantrum and said 'i'll never do it again,and the rainbow is my symbol for that'. wow. it makes me think of that episode of the original star trek where this powerful being had a world to 'play with'. ha,sounds familiar.)
on the other hand,rabbi harold kushner's conclusion in when bad things happen to good people is that god is loving but not very powerful. that he wept outside the gates of the concentration camps. i don't say this to mock kushner. i respect his faith and how it helped him deal with the death of his child. i don't know if that's a jewish premise or just his,but it doesn't make sense to me. to me,a being that isn't powerful isn't god,because i equate god with being everything,no limitations.
i'd love it if someone could convince me that there's a god who cares and is willing to help out without asking people to follow a particular religion,because a god should be a god of all. at least i think so.