bluegreen17 | (no subject)

just more bitching.

now i can't get into my hotmail because with the msntv update i have to re-sign in to passport and i can't remember what i used for an address because it was fake because i don't generally put my real address on the net. so since i can't remember that,i can't get back into my hotmail account and probably won't ever be able to again. i only have it for one friend who insists on sending huge files that contain photos of book jacket covers,which would blow out my regular email,so i got a seperate account just for him. i had some saved stuff there,but oh well. i guess i'm getting used to losing stuff on the net,like when another.com went to paid status and i lost all my stuff there. and i have about 900 entries on open diary which i'm not going to renew and since i have no computer,the only way to save anything is to copy and paste individual entries. oh,well. you cant save every audio conversation you have either. or you could,i suppose,but it would be tedious! at least the chances of losing my stuff at lj seem less,although i'm paranoid about its future compatibility with msntv and since i don't see a computer in my near future,well...and i don't know whom to ask about this sort of thing.

next gripe: um,i forgot. i guess that's good. or i'm just braindead. probably the latter.

other than that,my brain is trying to kill me as usual. felt really crappy waking up this morning. my dreams were filled with irritations and frustrations,as if i dont' get enough of those in so-called waking life. at least every once in a while i have a nice dream.

i usually start out the day low and sometimes i feel a bit better by days end...probably because i've eaten chocolate and/or sugar. people often say 'things will look better in the morning' but for me the opposite is true. which is unfortunate,since i think it's more efficient to start out in a better frame of mind,end on a lower note,but then refresh and start again the next day. it takes me all day to get to a less suicidal frame of mind,and in the meantime i've spent most of the day being negative,unproductive,and feeling sad. or maybe that's just my perception right now.

what is real? my thoughts when i'm depressed or my thoughts when i feel slightly manic?