bluegreen17 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
bluegreen17) wrote2003-03-23 06:36 pm
bluegreen17) wrote2003-03-23 06:36 pm
heavy weather
if i wasn't already extremely depressed,i think i feel even worse now,after just paying most of my monthly bills. i'm in worse financial shape than i thought,and that's pretty bad.
and i've been such a downer lately...i apologize...i realize being depressed is probably not my fault (or is it? depends who you talk to...some people think you can change your attitude at will and in some cases i'd say that's near-impossible) but it still feels like it's my fault and that i'm a bad person,and that's generally part of my mental hurricanes.
and,yes,i'm taking my medication but it hasn't been helping for awhile and i'm afraid to stop taking it because i'll probably feel worse,and i dont think i can stand to feel much worse.
so,i really do have an intense case of self-loathing right now.
this morning i woke up and thought of all my worries about the future and money and of how i have so much that needs to be done in the apartment that i just have no energy to do. it takes a lot of energy just to get out of bed in the morning and just do normal necessary things. i have energy to do things like reading and writing but that's because i don't find them psychologically painful. they distract me from that,whereas doing the laundry and brushing my teeth and cleaning the kitchen etc etc etc. does not,because i hate that sort of thing.
and because i can't seem to force myself to do those million and one extra things that need to be done,i think i suck. and of course that makes me feel worse. my ability to be an adult and take care of myself is dwindling. i'm 44 years old and i feel like a sixty year old sometimes,because of physical ailments. lately i've noticed that my hands shake a bit. it might be the medication i'm on,or it may be what they call an 'essential tremor'. my symptoms don't seem to be those of parkinson's,at least.the tremors can get worse as you get older,or i guess sometimes they go away,which would be nice.
lots of little things add up.
of course,i SHOULDN'T worry,but how do you do that? i don't know how to not worry. i have no faith in god or the universe or other people or myself. nothing.
i need help. but where do i find it? i dont' know how much longer i can go on living with nothing to look forward to and much to dread.
i hang on because so far my being alive is better for my parents,sisters and their families than my killing myself. i hang on for them,i think. but then i think i don't want to be dead,i just want to live and not be terrified. yes,when i wake up in the morning and worry about how i'm going to keep myself alive,i'm terrified. it's pretty scary thinking you might become a bag lady,but i've got one more lucky thing going for me...i have a skin condition that causes intolerable itching if it gets too warm. so i have to be in ac at home and in a car or wherever else most of the time. what if i can't afford an apartment with ac? fans arent enough with this problem. it's incurable,as far as i know. so being a bag lady would be extra wonderful. i think i'm already insane but i would get more insane with the itching. it happens sometimes at work when the temperature is too high and the building i work in has a sucky hvac system. i have to stop working and go sit in front of a high speed fan...and i have to bitch about the uncomfortable temperatures and ask them to try to fool around with the system. anyway.
and,yeah,i suck because people are worse off than me and i can't handle THIS. i just can't deal with much. if i could,i would,believe me.i hate being miserable. hate hate hate it.
it feels like god abandoned me a long time ago,and i don't know why.
well,at least tomorrow i have an appt with yet another therapist. i have to try...though i've never really been helped much in the past. and i just have to keep on going and hope i don't become a burden to my family.
sometimes during the day i don't feel too bad for a while. that's when i'm distracting myself somehow. but that's useless. it just gets me through another day so i can wake up the next morning and think about my bleak and terrible future...because i'm a coward.
i obviously don't know how to love myself...and it feels like there's less and less love in my life all the time,because other people can't deal with my mental and emotional tempests either. and here i go just adding to the negativity of the world but if i dont' get it out,i will not be able to keep on going.
and later on,if i'm feeling a little bit better,i'll feel ashamed of myself for expressing myself while in this state.
last week i read an essay by maud casey in a book called -unholy ghost:writers on depression-(you might think that reading stuff on depression makes me feel worse...it doesn't,as long as the writer isn't in the midst of it while writing,and most of the stuff i've read has been stuff that people wrote when they were doing better [i wont say 'cured'.i don't know of anyone every being cure,and being on meds is not a cure,it's a compensation and a coping technique,which doesnt means it's bad,but it's not a cure.] it makes me feel less alone and less crazy.)
one thing she wrote was something i could really relate to,and i was relieved that i wasn't the only one:
now that my depression has started to lift, i'm suffering from what i've come to think of as the hangover of the depressed: shame.
i crawl out of bed some mornings like someone who has just woken up from a bender.[only it wasn't the least bit enjoyable-di] i look in the mirror and think oh,god, i did that?
i think the only redeeming thing about my outburst of words and emotion here might be this: this is the raw truth of someone in the midst of heavy depression...really a horrible hurricane of pain...and it might be educational,if anyone really wants to know. and it kept me slightly distracted for a little while.
that's all (for now)
and i've been such a downer lately...i apologize...i realize being depressed is probably not my fault (or is it? depends who you talk to...some people think you can change your attitude at will and in some cases i'd say that's near-impossible) but it still feels like it's my fault and that i'm a bad person,and that's generally part of my mental hurricanes.
and,yes,i'm taking my medication but it hasn't been helping for awhile and i'm afraid to stop taking it because i'll probably feel worse,and i dont think i can stand to feel much worse.
so,i really do have an intense case of self-loathing right now.
this morning i woke up and thought of all my worries about the future and money and of how i have so much that needs to be done in the apartment that i just have no energy to do. it takes a lot of energy just to get out of bed in the morning and just do normal necessary things. i have energy to do things like reading and writing but that's because i don't find them psychologically painful. they distract me from that,whereas doing the laundry and brushing my teeth and cleaning the kitchen etc etc etc. does not,because i hate that sort of thing.
and because i can't seem to force myself to do those million and one extra things that need to be done,i think i suck. and of course that makes me feel worse. my ability to be an adult and take care of myself is dwindling. i'm 44 years old and i feel like a sixty year old sometimes,because of physical ailments. lately i've noticed that my hands shake a bit. it might be the medication i'm on,or it may be what they call an 'essential tremor'. my symptoms don't seem to be those of parkinson's,at least.the tremors can get worse as you get older,or i guess sometimes they go away,which would be nice.
lots of little things add up.
of course,i SHOULDN'T worry,but how do you do that? i don't know how to not worry. i have no faith in god or the universe or other people or myself. nothing.
i need help. but where do i find it? i dont' know how much longer i can go on living with nothing to look forward to and much to dread.
i hang on because so far my being alive is better for my parents,sisters and their families than my killing myself. i hang on for them,i think. but then i think i don't want to be dead,i just want to live and not be terrified. yes,when i wake up in the morning and worry about how i'm going to keep myself alive,i'm terrified. it's pretty scary thinking you might become a bag lady,but i've got one more lucky thing going for me...i have a skin condition that causes intolerable itching if it gets too warm. so i have to be in ac at home and in a car or wherever else most of the time. what if i can't afford an apartment with ac? fans arent enough with this problem. it's incurable,as far as i know. so being a bag lady would be extra wonderful. i think i'm already insane but i would get more insane with the itching. it happens sometimes at work when the temperature is too high and the building i work in has a sucky hvac system. i have to stop working and go sit in front of a high speed fan...and i have to bitch about the uncomfortable temperatures and ask them to try to fool around with the system. anyway.
and,yeah,i suck because people are worse off than me and i can't handle THIS. i just can't deal with much. if i could,i would,believe me.i hate being miserable. hate hate hate it.
it feels like god abandoned me a long time ago,and i don't know why.
well,at least tomorrow i have an appt with yet another therapist. i have to try...though i've never really been helped much in the past. and i just have to keep on going and hope i don't become a burden to my family.
sometimes during the day i don't feel too bad for a while. that's when i'm distracting myself somehow. but that's useless. it just gets me through another day so i can wake up the next morning and think about my bleak and terrible future...because i'm a coward.
i obviously don't know how to love myself...and it feels like there's less and less love in my life all the time,because other people can't deal with my mental and emotional tempests either. and here i go just adding to the negativity of the world but if i dont' get it out,i will not be able to keep on going.
and later on,if i'm feeling a little bit better,i'll feel ashamed of myself for expressing myself while in this state.
last week i read an essay by maud casey in a book called -unholy ghost:writers on depression-(you might think that reading stuff on depression makes me feel worse...it doesn't,as long as the writer isn't in the midst of it while writing,and most of the stuff i've read has been stuff that people wrote when they were doing better [i wont say 'cured'.i don't know of anyone every being cure,and being on meds is not a cure,it's a compensation and a coping technique,which doesnt means it's bad,but it's not a cure.] it makes me feel less alone and less crazy.)
one thing she wrote was something i could really relate to,and i was relieved that i wasn't the only one:
now that my depression has started to lift, i'm suffering from what i've come to think of as the hangover of the depressed: shame.
i crawl out of bed some mornings like someone who has just woken up from a bender.[only it wasn't the least bit enjoyable-di] i look in the mirror and think oh,god, i did that?
i think the only redeeming thing about my outburst of words and emotion here might be this: this is the raw truth of someone in the midst of heavy depression...really a horrible hurricane of pain...and it might be educational,if anyone really wants to know. and it kept me slightly distracted for a little while.
that's all (for now)
no subject
I hope you start feeling better soon. Please, please don't do anything to yourself. If you need a sympathetic ear, I'm willing to listen.
Just hang in there. Things are going to be ok.
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i always feel a tad better after writing stuff like that...and of course,ashamed of myself.but not so much not to do it. and kind words and thoughts help a lot.
*little smile*
see,that's ^ something.
thanks again.
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If you ever need someone to talk to, please don't hesitate to email me, or IM me or something. I'm more than willing to listen. It's tough to not have someone to talk to wheny you have times like that.
I'll keep you in my thoughts. *hugs*
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could,know what i mean? (that's rhetorical,you don't have to answer that!)
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I can relate to much of that, unfortunately.
Never apologize for your feelings, or for expressing them. That's what this journal is for, and even in other mediums of life, you must be true to yourself.
I think it's awesome that you're reaching out for the help that you need. It's difficult, but taking that step is such a big and important one.
I hope the shame isn't too bad. It's hard not to feel it sometimes, I know, but you have nothing to be ashamed of.
*warm fuzzies*
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i'm so sorry you're having to deal with all this. i know how tough depression can be. i hope you are able to find some clarity soon. and don't ever apologize for expressing yourself in your journal. it's an outlet just for you to use.
please take care..
.