bluegreen17 | (no subject)

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i haven't known what to write lately. but sometimes in responding to someone else,i can write. so this is part of a comment inspired by someone else:

i've become more and more self-obsessed and hating myself more and more. so i've been trying to look outward and see what i can do to improve things in the world,because i'm pretty sure that if i do,i will stop hating myself for being useless. though i am finding it's hard not to despair in looking around the world and wondering what i can do in such a world as this...but all the more reason that something useful...even if it's just being kind...needs to be done.

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::hugs::
It is good to look inward at times.. when looking inward or outward one may feel overwhelmed.. frustrated.. there are so many things we can do.. even small things.. each person can make a difference. No point in hating oneself or sinking into despair.. hate and despair is our enemy.. dragging us down.. keeping us from what is truly important and worthwhile.

with love,
Amal

maybe...perhaps you don't want to be useful in this world, cause you see how corrupt most of us are...maybe you have swore in childhood not to cooperate with that corruptness.....and that would really not be bad, cause you have then perhaps a deep desire for integrity....these are for one times my own thoughts....

as attachement a clip from krishnamurti about the possible source of selfhate....but one hase to find out for oneself what is true, to accept what others say is childish

Why do i hate myself ?

questioner:Why do i hate myself when i don't study?

Krishnamurti: Listen to the question. Why do i hate myself when i dont study as i am supposed to? Why do i hate myself when I am not nice, as I should be? In other words, why don't I live up to my ideals?
Now, would it not be much simpler not to have ideals at all? If you had no ideals, would you then have any reason to hate yourself? So why do you say: "I must be kind, I must be generous, I must pay attention, I must study?" If you can find out why, and be free of ideals, then perhaps you will act quite differently - which i shall presently go into.

So why do you have ideals? First of all, because people have always told you that if you don't have ideals you are a worthless boy. Society, whether it is according to the communist pattern or the capitalist pattern, says:" This is the ideal;" and you accept it, you try to live up to it, do you not?
Now, before you try to live up to any ideal, should you not find out whether it is necessary to have ideals at all? Surely, that would make far more sense.You have the ideal of Rama and Sita (for western civilizations perhaps the ideal, of Jesus) and so many other ideals which society has given you or which you have invented for yourself.

Do you know why you have them? Because you are afraid to be what you are.

Now , why are you afraid to be what you are? Why don't you start with what you are and not with what you should be? Without understanding what you are, merely to try to change it into what you think you should be has no meaning. Therefore scrap all ideals. I know the older people won't like this, but it doesn't matter. Scrap all ideals, drown them in the river, throw them into the waste-paper basket, and start with what you are - which is what?
You are lazy, you don't want to study, you want to play games, you want to have a good time, like all young people. Start with that.Use your mind to examine what you mean when you talk about having a good time - find out what is actually involved in it, don't go by what your parents or your ideals say. Use your mind to discover why you don't want to study. Use your mind to find out what you want to do in life - what you want to do, not what society or some ideals tells you to do. If you give your whole being to this inquiry, then you are a revolutionary; then you have the confidence to create, to be what you are, and in that there is an ever-renewing vitality. But the other way yuo are dissipating your energy in trying to be like somebody else.

Don't you see, it is really an extraordinary thing that you are so afraid to be what you are; because beauty lies in being what you are. If you see that you are lazy, that you are stupid, and if you understand laziness and come face to face with stupidity without trying to change it into something else, then in that state you will find there is an enormous release, there is great beauty, great intelligence.

Think on these things/J. Krishnamurti/
home

thank you. having something to think about and perhaps learn makes me feel better. and integrity means to be who you are,doesnt it? your integral self?

i am a scholar. but i feel i can't allow myself to be that because there is no one to pay my rent or feed me,and being a scholar doesn't do that. also,i feel that thinking and scholarship are not very helpful...but that is just my first thought and really is that correct? so it's good that you remind me to think more of that.

i have just been reading about how in some jewish sects,that study is considered a good deed,and that deeds are more important than belief. too bad i'm not jewish...in that sort of company i would be appreciated and considered a good person!

i think i'll put that last paragraph in my journal proper.
thank your for the nourishment for my thoughts and soul!

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