bluegreen17 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
bluegreen17) wrote2003-03-30 01:32 pm
bluegreen17) wrote2003-03-30 01:32 pm
i'm a scholar,not a doctor,dammit!
i have just been reading about how in some jewish sects,that study is considered a good deed,and that deeds are more important than belief. too bad i'm not jewish...in that sort of company i would be appreciated and considered a good person!
i'm pretty confused right now. that's not really new. it happens a lot when i'm depressed and trying to make sense of my depression and trying to fix it.
i tried something new this week. i tried to exercise a bit more self-discipline and push myself a bit and focus on things besides myself. it helped for about four days. i don't know if it was coincidence or connected,but by friday i was bored and restless at work and then i started getting more and more depressed again.
i can keep my depression somewhat under control as long as i am home. but i'm home isolating myself,which makes me feel worse in the long run. just like eating sugar makes me feel better briefly but makes me feel worse in the long run. but i reach for these things because i feel i can't bear the depression,and i am making things worse for myself.
a couple of other things this week may have sent me back into depression. a couple of things that added heavily to my sense of being overwhelmed,which tends to depress me anyway.
first,one of my sisters suggested we all (five of us) get together to sort out mom's belongings. the whole task feels overwhelming and i'd rather just do it myself a little bit at a time. i feel overwhelmed when i have people over and just one person can exhaust me,never mind my four loud sisters tearing my apartment apart. also,i'd have to take a day off or use a day that is already probably packed.
secondly,and i know this is going to sound stupid,but a friend at work suggested that we get together for a movie sometime soon. trying to have a good attitude,i said sure. now,it's not like i don't like this person and it's not like i'm not lonely and wishing i had a social life,but being sociable actually takes a certain amount of psychological energy of which i always seem to be running out of. and the only way i can replenish my psychological
energy is to be alone. and there just isn't enough time to spend time alone,spend time with others and earn a living. (as it is,i'm working 40 hours a week and STILL not earning a living...i'm supplementing my income with money given as a gift from my dad,but it won't last forever,and i will then need to find some energy to either work a second job...ha ha...or deal with living with a roommmate,either of which feel intolerable if not impossible to me. yes,i'm still stuck with the same old refrain i've been boring people with for months and months and months as i try valiantly to solve my survival problems and don't come up with answers.)
and i don't even want to get into the fact that tomorrow i should go visit my mother in the nursing home as i missed the last visit due to depression and havent' seen her in a month. i hope i can force myself to drive the hated drive over there and just deal with the awkwardness and sadness of visiting her and not knowing what to do. she is now in a locked alzheimer's unit and that's one more thing. plus i have to get out of bed early in order to have time to do that,and being depressed it's even harder getting out of bed.
wish me luck,because if i don't go i will feel even worse than if i do go.
perhaps i will now go and figure out something to post here that will dilute the effect of my melancholy nature and postings.
i will now feel better for a half hour while i eat a pint of ben and jerry's frozen yogurt. yes,pathetic. at least it doesn't affect my driving. i'm grateful i'm not addicted to alcohol or drugs. well,i AM addicted to drugs...nexium so i can fool myself as to how bad eating sugar and chocolate is for my body even while it soothes my brain temporarily,and wellbutrin,which no longer helps but i'm afraid to stop taking it lest i get even more depressed and i feel pretty poorly already...that in itself spells addiction to me...but at least doesnt make me more of a menace to society than i already am! and yes,i still have a bit of my sense of humor intact at the moment. that's good,at least.
i'm pretty confused right now. that's not really new. it happens a lot when i'm depressed and trying to make sense of my depression and trying to fix it.
i tried something new this week. i tried to exercise a bit more self-discipline and push myself a bit and focus on things besides myself. it helped for about four days. i don't know if it was coincidence or connected,but by friday i was bored and restless at work and then i started getting more and more depressed again.
i can keep my depression somewhat under control as long as i am home. but i'm home isolating myself,which makes me feel worse in the long run. just like eating sugar makes me feel better briefly but makes me feel worse in the long run. but i reach for these things because i feel i can't bear the depression,and i am making things worse for myself.
a couple of other things this week may have sent me back into depression. a couple of things that added heavily to my sense of being overwhelmed,which tends to depress me anyway.
first,one of my sisters suggested we all (five of us) get together to sort out mom's belongings. the whole task feels overwhelming and i'd rather just do it myself a little bit at a time. i feel overwhelmed when i have people over and just one person can exhaust me,never mind my four loud sisters tearing my apartment apart. also,i'd have to take a day off or use a day that is already probably packed.
secondly,and i know this is going to sound stupid,but a friend at work suggested that we get together for a movie sometime soon. trying to have a good attitude,i said sure. now,it's not like i don't like this person and it's not like i'm not lonely and wishing i had a social life,but being sociable actually takes a certain amount of psychological energy of which i always seem to be running out of. and the only way i can replenish my psychological
energy is to be alone. and there just isn't enough time to spend time alone,spend time with others and earn a living. (as it is,i'm working 40 hours a week and STILL not earning a living...i'm supplementing my income with money given as a gift from my dad,but it won't last forever,and i will then need to find some energy to either work a second job...ha ha...or deal with living with a roommmate,either of which feel intolerable if not impossible to me. yes,i'm still stuck with the same old refrain i've been boring people with for months and months and months as i try valiantly to solve my survival problems and don't come up with answers.)
and i don't even want to get into the fact that tomorrow i should go visit my mother in the nursing home as i missed the last visit due to depression and havent' seen her in a month. i hope i can force myself to drive the hated drive over there and just deal with the awkwardness and sadness of visiting her and not knowing what to do. she is now in a locked alzheimer's unit and that's one more thing. plus i have to get out of bed early in order to have time to do that,and being depressed it's even harder getting out of bed.
wish me luck,because if i don't go i will feel even worse than if i do go.
perhaps i will now go and figure out something to post here that will dilute the effect of my melancholy nature and postings.
i will now feel better for a half hour while i eat a pint of ben and jerry's frozen yogurt. yes,pathetic. at least it doesn't affect my driving. i'm grateful i'm not addicted to alcohol or drugs. well,i AM addicted to drugs...nexium so i can fool myself as to how bad eating sugar and chocolate is for my body even while it soothes my brain temporarily,and wellbutrin,which no longer helps but i'm afraid to stop taking it lest i get even more depressed and i feel pretty poorly already...that in itself spells addiction to me...but at least doesnt make me more of a menace to society than i already am! and yes,i still have a bit of my sense of humor intact at the moment. that's good,at least.