i'm a scholar,not a doctor,dammit!

[bluegreen17]

i have just been reading about how in some jewish sects,that study is considered a good deed,and that deeds are more important than belief. too bad i'm not jewish...in that sort of company i would be appreciated and considered a good person!

i'm pretty confused right now. that's not really new. it happens a lot when i'm depressed and trying to make sense of my depression and trying to fix it.

i tried something new this week. i tried to exercise a bit more self-discipline and push myself a bit and focus on things besides myself. it helped for about four days. i don't know if it was coincidence or connected,but by friday i was bored and restless at work and then i started getting more and more depressed again.



i can keep my depression somewhat under control as long as i am home. but i'm home isolating myself,which makes me feel worse in the long run. just like eating sugar makes me feel better briefly but makes me feel worse in the long run. but i reach for these things because i feel i can't bear the depression,and i am making things worse for myself.

a couple of other things this week may have sent me back into depression. a couple of things that added heavily to my sense of being overwhelmed,which tends to depress me anyway.

first,one of my sisters suggested we all (five of us) get together to sort out mom's belongings. the whole task feels overwhelming and i'd rather just do it myself a little bit at a time. i feel overwhelmed when i have people over and just one person can exhaust me,never mind my four loud sisters tearing my apartment apart. also,i'd have to take a day off or use a day that is already probably packed.

secondly,and i know this is going to sound stupid,but a friend at work suggested that we get together for a movie sometime soon. trying to have a good attitude,i said sure. now,it's not like i don't like this person and it's not like i'm not lonely and wishing i had a social life,but being sociable actually takes a certain amount of psychological energy of which i always seem to be running out of. and the only way i can replenish my psychological
energy is to be alone. and there just isn't enough time to spend time alone,spend time with others and earn a living. (as it is,i'm working 40 hours a week and STILL not earning a living...i'm supplementing my income with money given as a gift from my dad,but it won't last forever,and i will then need to find some energy to either work a second job...ha ha...or deal with living with a roommmate,either of which feel intolerable if not impossible to me. yes,i'm still stuck with the same old refrain i've been boring people with for months and months and months as i try valiantly to solve my survival problems and don't come up with answers.)

and i don't even want to get into the fact that tomorrow i should go visit my mother in the nursing home as i missed the last visit due to depression and havent' seen her in a month. i hope i can force myself to drive the hated drive over there and just deal with the awkwardness and sadness of visiting her and not knowing what to do. she is now in a locked alzheimer's unit and that's one more thing. plus i have to get out of bed early in order to have time to do that,and being depressed it's even harder getting out of bed.
wish me luck,because if i don't go i will feel even worse than if i do go.

perhaps i will now go and figure out something to post here that will dilute the effect of my melancholy nature and postings.

i will now feel better for a half hour while i eat a pint of ben and jerry's frozen yogurt. yes,pathetic. at least it doesn't affect my driving. i'm grateful i'm not addicted to alcohol or drugs. well,i AM addicted to drugs...nexium so i can fool myself as to how bad eating sugar and chocolate is for my body even while it soothes my brain temporarily,and wellbutrin,which no longer helps but i'm afraid to stop taking it lest i get even more depressed and i feel pretty poorly already...that in itself spells addiction to me...but at least doesnt make me more of a menace to society than i already am! and yes,i still have a bit of my sense of humor intact at the moment. that's good,at least.

Comments

[kittycat33.livejournal.com]

I've been depressed lately too. It sounds like you have a lot to deal with.

I have a difficult time getting out to socialize as well, preferring to be alone to recharge my batteries. Typical of an introvert.

I did the sugar thing for awhile but I'm trying to quit because the lift I get from it is so temporary and I need to lose weight.

I hope you are feeling better soon.

[bluegreen17]

until recently,i didn't really think of myself as an introvert since i have a great need to express myself and i thought that,for one thing,made me an extrovert. also,i do like hanging out with people,though i prefer to do so with those i feel comfortable with and am interested in,so i think that's actually more introverted! or at least doesn't negate intoversion.

how do you manage to not eat sugar? i've had very limited success with that...i haven't even been able to resist chocolate alone for quite a while,and i've never tried to cut out all white flour. i actually like whole grain breads,but i like pastries,and most have white flour!

[kittycat33.livejournal.com]

Oh, how do I manage to not eat sugar! I can't remember! I ate a ton of it today.

A few years ago I cut out all sugar except fructose, and almost all fat. I went from 145lbs to 108lbs (not healthy on a 5'7" frame, I know) and somehow I was able to get by with no sugar. I don't know how I did it.

I *crave* white flour, like bread and scones. I think that's why I need to get rid of it- it makes me more hungry after I eat it and I just tend to overeat.

Trying again on Monday to stop sugar and white flour. Wish me luck!

[bluegreen17]

good luck with that! some people try several times to quit smoking and finally are able to do it. i've sometimes been able to give up some things for a while. i guess every bit helps,and it's worth it if we feel better on a daily basis.

one small thing i've done is not to eat sugary things for breakfast,like pop tarts or cinnamon buns or sugary cereal or french toast,etc. if i do, i find i will be hungry all day afterward. so i eat 'good food' first and then have some sugar,and it's not so bad.

*BIG HUGS*

[autumnfaerie.livejournal.com]

Poor dear. I'm so sorry that you're still not on an upswing yet. I just don't know of anything to say or do that'll help, I don't think. Just know I'm thinking about you and hoping you'll be better soon.

Maybe you should try a different antidepressant. Something like Paxil or Prozac or something. Maybe you've developed a tolerance to Wellbutrin and it's hurting more than helping you at this point.

Sometimes I find that I'll dread going out with a friend, but once I make myself do it and GO, I end up having a really good time and am glad I went. I'm weird like that, but maybe you'll be the same way?

I'm really sorry to hear about your momma. *more hugs* Keep being strong, you're going to get through this.

Re: *BIG HUGS*

[bluegreen17]

astrologically,it has been predicted that for some geminis,june 2001 to june 2003 were going to be very difficult,and that has proven true for me. i'm hoping there is some truth in that,though i'm neither a believer or nonbeliever in astrology...because that means there's some hope in the near future for an 'upswing'.

yes,i have developed a tolerance for wellbutrin,which has been a great disappointment as it did help me (though it didn't motivate me as much as i wanted or needed it to,but it was still an improvement) for a few months,and i felt like what it must be to feel normal with a lot of problems rather than depressed to begin with with a lot of problems! the fact that i developed a tolerance indicates to me that it's addictive,therefore i'm going to probably have withdrawal. i was more open to taking wellbutrin than prozac or paxil or zoloft because it has fewer side effects plus i'd heard more good things about wellbutrin than bad,whereas the opposite is true of what i've heard of the others. my new therapist said there's some 'wonderful new medications' but valium and amphetamines...and even opium and cocaine! were once 'wonderful new medicines'. ha. so that's how i feel about it. if i do decide to go see a psychiatrist and try more drugs,it will be from the same desperation that got me to take the wellbutrin,which has now disappointed me...and according to one person,has actually depleted my b vitamins,which are essential to mental health. er,great.

i'm still looking for other ways to deal with it. i really wish i could find more help from the spiritual perspective,but i haven't had much luck so far.

i actually think my new therapist may be somewhat helpful,but i don't have much time to even have appointments.i'd much rather go for therapy tomorrow than visit my mother,but that would make me evil.

yeah,i usually do enjoy going out once i get my butt out the door. but it's still hard to come home and realize that you're even further behind in things you need to do...i'm so far behind i'll have to live as long as nebuchan...whoever that long lived guy in the bible was. i dont' think i want to live that long just to finish chores. not to mention,the longer i live,the more things i need to do...not only to try to keep my body and health from totally collapsing,but other things as well. i feel like i can't win,can you tell?

at least sundays are pretty peaceful. aside from grocery shopping at the natural foods store,going to the gas station and doing laundry...all things which i dislike doing...it's not a bad day because i can write and read and communicate.
but i look into the future and don't even see the very few good things in my life continuing,so i get scared and depressed. ah,well,that's why i'm in therapy!

thanks again...i'm carrying on!
di

p.s. i keep telling myself this bad luck can't go onforever,can it?!!! ha.

Re: *BIG HUGS*

[autumnfaerie.livejournal.com]

Geez...I'd hate to see what the forecast was for Leos then if the Geminis are getting it so bad. BUT, if it's holding true, then in 2 more months you'll be OUT of this bad spot!

I think I've developed a tolerance for my meds too. Sucks when that happens. Don't know what else I'll take though. Already had Prozac and Zoloft, I'm on Effexor now. I guess I can try Paxil next.

Coincidentally, I read an article in Glamour magazine about people that take some depressant drugs have withdrawl symptoms when they're taken off it it. Make sure the doc weans you off of them in stead of switching you out quickly. They also said that drugs that have been on the market for only a couple of years weren't really safe to take since it wasn't possible to know ALL of the side effects.

Well, Opium is STILL a good drug...if used for the correct purpose...like pain control in the terminally ill.

I know what you mean with the spirtual stuff. Feels like you're being ignored, doesn't it?

Thing with me, when I come home from being out, is coming home to an empty house. No husband, boyfriend, or kids missing me and ready to see me come home. Just my doggie. I get really lonely.

Maybe the reason you feel behind all the time is how you look at things (yes, I'm sure that's a "duh" statement). maybe it'd help to prioritize things. Make a list of what needs to be done and pick a certain day of the week to do it on. That way, it'll feel like you have more control and order in life. Just a thought.

Things go in cycles, good things WILL come back around. Sometimes it just takes time, I guess. And, no, bad luck can't last forever.

Take care of yourself in the mean time, sweetie.

Re: *BIG HUGS*

[bluegreen17]

i've heard that paxil can be particularly difficult in the withdrawal phase...i wonder if the 'new' stuff would be any better. i guess we all just deal as best we can. what happens if you're not on meds? is it really bad for you?

i am pretty good at prioritizing,i think. the problem is,the lower priority stuff never gets done and though it's lower priority,i feel it still SHOULD be.

Feels like you're being ignored, doesn't it?

wow,how did you know? that's a huge thing with me as far as god goes...i hate being ignored anyway,so it particularly feels bad when a deity seems to be doing it! do you ever feel like that yourself?

i live alone too but i like it. my loneliness comes up in different spots,i guess. it's not fun when you wish it was otherwise than it is.

Re: *BIG HUGS*

[autumnfaerie.livejournal.com]

Sorry it took a while to respond to this post.

If I'm not on meds, I'm even worse than I am anyway. The Effexor at least helps to keep me a little sane. It's time for me to go back to the doctor and get something new, I think. This isn't doing it for me anymore.

I know that it feels like you're being ignored cause I feel the same way. Feels like who ever it is in charge "up there" has long since given up on me and is completely ignoring me. I've even thought about giving up on Christianity all together and trying something else. But, it's hard to break years of habit of the Southern Baptist upbringing.

I'm ok with living alone most of the time, since I'm very protective of my "hobbit hole" and hate anyone but me to be in it. I guess I just wish I had more of a social life and that's where the loneliness comes from. Sometimes though, I do with I had a good husband and maybe a couple of kids. Go figure.

[bluegreen17]

hi. yeah,i know for some people,being on meds is better than not. sometimes we have tough choices to make. i hope you can find something that will help you feel better. i'm not totally decided what i'll do. i survived,though not happily,for years without meds. i went through one of the roughest patches of an already challenging life last fall,and that's why i took the wellbutrin. i'm grudgingly grateful that it worked for awhile. we had a hard time finding a nursing home spot for my mother,because neither she nor i nor my four sisters have much money,and if you don't have much money,you're down at the bottom of the totem pole. so while her dementia worsened and we couldn't leave her alone and she couldn't drive and had breathing problems,etc. myself and my sisters had to take care of her. i took care of her on my two days off. i was already depressed to begin with,so it was very hard,but i survived it so far.
happily,i actually felt pretty good on monday so i went to visit mom. it was sad,though,because she wanted to leave with me and she's in a alzheimer's locked unit because she was wandering and they couldn't keep an eye on her so she wouldn't hurt herself. fortunately,though,the folks are really nice there,the place is nice,and my mother seems pretty happy. she just doesnt understand that she can't come home with me,and it's so sad to see her face,because of her lack of understanding...she's like a child. still,i am very lucky to have the four sisters i do,and the dad i do,and the mom i did before she got sick. and i'm so very glad that she is as well taken care of as she is. that helps a lot.

i'm reading harold kushner's -when bad things happen to good people- which is quite good and is helpful,i think. his son had a premature aging disease and died at the age of fourteen and yet he still has faith in god,so he must have some good ideas. some rabbis are so wise.

[bayliss.livejournal.com]

[bluegreen17]

why thank you and billy's cute face doesn't hurt either! (i loove that picture.) thanks for sharing!

[bayliss.livejournal.com]

I can get you the full size piccie if ya want.. (Stewart let me steal it...*squee* I'm special, not... I just asked really nicely...) But seriously If you would like the full size let me know and maybe i can make a copy of it and like mail it to ya......