bluegreen17 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
bluegreen17) wrote2003-04-02 07:25 pm
bluegreen17) wrote2003-04-02 07:25 pm
into the heart
this is from a note by ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
patienceltd who seems to have abandoned her journal a couple of years ago. still,i want to give credit where credit is due.
I punched concrete walls and got lots of piercings because physical pain felt so much better than mental pain --- you always knew it would stop, and your brain tanked up on endorphins to make the hurting less. I faked illnesses or injured myself or deliberately made illnesses worse so that I wouldn't have to deal with my life.
isn't this why people cut? i never cut,but years ago when i was in better physical shape,i used to run really hard so it would hurt so i could cry. some kind of release,anyway. at the time,i just couldn't physically cry most of the time and it felt terrible. today i've been weepy all day(probably pms),and to tell you the truth,that's far preferable,even though unfortunately i had to hold back the tears when i was in the department store and the salvation army was on the intercom system asking for donations to send to people serving in the middle east. i'm not going to get into my political opinions,but on a human level,for both the people in the armed services who are without basic necessities (which i can't understand...our government pays for politicians' unneeded dinners,but they send their military off without toilet paper,toothbrushes and other basic things?) and the iraqis as well.
they listed off tons of things that servicemen and women in iraq had requested,and they said one thing people really wanted was phone cards,so i bought one of those to send along.
and the whole time i was ready to burst into tears. but you don't do those sorts of things in public unless other can understand your reasons for it.
i called in sick to work today. am i depressed? is the pope catholic? well,sure,i'm depressed,but i'm depressed a lot and i don't and can't call in sick to work every time i'm depressed. i wouldn't have worked much my entire life if i'd stayed home every day i was depressed! i think the fact that i call in sick to work because of depression more often these days,especially in the last two years,is that i am really tired of the 9-5,of pushing myself,of not being able to be myself. not being able to spend enough time expressing myself. too bad i don't have some extraordinary artistic talent...i might have gotten away with spending my life being myself.
but i'm just a little scribbler who likes to learn things and communicate and research and i can't stay home and do that and still have food to eat and a roof over my head.
maybe i always knew on some level that i'd amount to nothing and be creatively frustrated my entire life so my depression was retroactive. what a weird metaphysical thought.
well,it would be nice if i'm simply wrong. which i can only hope. but hope and the love of my family...mine for them,theirs for me...just keep me surviving until i come to some pitiful end. i'd say i could be an 'example of what not-to-do' but i don't know if that's valid...i don't think it's my fault that my life sucks...my brain has hated me since the day i was born...is that my fucking fault? and it's my brain that has kept me from many things.
i guess i'm lucky for the things that were good in my life in the past and the few blessings i have at present,because i won't deny at present that they still exist...see...it's like i have two people within me that just don't get along...the hopeful one,and the hopeless one. an optimist and a pessimist. one who looks back at the pain and finds little bits of wisdom,and the one who actually experiences it (who never remembers...or if so, doesnt believe that 'wisdom'.) i just don't seem to be able to integrate them. i don't think that's multiple personality disorder,but i could be wrong.
when i start writing an entry,i often plan to be short and concise but so often i end up going on and on...there's something i need that babbling on brings me. maybe merely distraction,maybe more. i have a huge need to express myself. and i have this huge need to be heard/read/whatever. but then i end up mad at myself for turning into an inadvertent psychic vampire.
i don't know...i think i pick up a lot of pain that isn't my own. i don't know if it leaves the persons i pick it up from,or if it just multiplies...i would hope the former,since at least that's one less person in pain. anyway,i can't carry all this pain...if i was a trained buddhist,i could probably transform it into something good...i think that's called tonglen. there are people who seem to know how to turn pain and bad luck into some sort of good,but i seem sadly lacking in knowing how to do that.(if that makes sense.)
well,i'm surrounded by a lot of personal gloom,but at this very moment,i'm alone,no one is bothering me,i can write,i can see,the dogs aren't barking,i'm not starving,and no one is trying to kill me,as far as i know,other than my own brain. that, at least,is good. now i have to just try not to think about people dying and in pain and suffering in general. unless i can think of something i can do to relieve some of it.
patienceltd who seems to have abandoned her journal a couple of years ago. still,i want to give credit where credit is due.I punched concrete walls and got lots of piercings because physical pain felt so much better than mental pain --- you always knew it would stop, and your brain tanked up on endorphins to make the hurting less. I faked illnesses or injured myself or deliberately made illnesses worse so that I wouldn't have to deal with my life.
isn't this why people cut? i never cut,but years ago when i was in better physical shape,i used to run really hard so it would hurt so i could cry. some kind of release,anyway. at the time,i just couldn't physically cry most of the time and it felt terrible. today i've been weepy all day(probably pms),and to tell you the truth,that's far preferable,even though unfortunately i had to hold back the tears when i was in the department store and the salvation army was on the intercom system asking for donations to send to people serving in the middle east. i'm not going to get into my political opinions,but on a human level,for both the people in the armed services who are without basic necessities (which i can't understand...our government pays for politicians' unneeded dinners,but they send their military off without toilet paper,toothbrushes and other basic things?) and the iraqis as well.
they listed off tons of things that servicemen and women in iraq had requested,and they said one thing people really wanted was phone cards,so i bought one of those to send along.
and the whole time i was ready to burst into tears. but you don't do those sorts of things in public unless other can understand your reasons for it.
i called in sick to work today. am i depressed? is the pope catholic? well,sure,i'm depressed,but i'm depressed a lot and i don't and can't call in sick to work every time i'm depressed. i wouldn't have worked much my entire life if i'd stayed home every day i was depressed! i think the fact that i call in sick to work because of depression more often these days,especially in the last two years,is that i am really tired of the 9-5,of pushing myself,of not being able to be myself. not being able to spend enough time expressing myself. too bad i don't have some extraordinary artistic talent...i might have gotten away with spending my life being myself.
but i'm just a little scribbler who likes to learn things and communicate and research and i can't stay home and do that and still have food to eat and a roof over my head.
maybe i always knew on some level that i'd amount to nothing and be creatively frustrated my entire life so my depression was retroactive. what a weird metaphysical thought.
well,it would be nice if i'm simply wrong. which i can only hope. but hope and the love of my family...mine for them,theirs for me...just keep me surviving until i come to some pitiful end. i'd say i could be an 'example of what not-to-do' but i don't know if that's valid...i don't think it's my fault that my life sucks...my brain has hated me since the day i was born...is that my fucking fault? and it's my brain that has kept me from many things.
i guess i'm lucky for the things that were good in my life in the past and the few blessings i have at present,because i won't deny at present that they still exist...see...it's like i have two people within me that just don't get along...the hopeful one,and the hopeless one. an optimist and a pessimist. one who looks back at the pain and finds little bits of wisdom,and the one who actually experiences it (who never remembers...or if so, doesnt believe that 'wisdom'.) i just don't seem to be able to integrate them. i don't think that's multiple personality disorder,but i could be wrong.
when i start writing an entry,i often plan to be short and concise but so often i end up going on and on...there's something i need that babbling on brings me. maybe merely distraction,maybe more. i have a huge need to express myself. and i have this huge need to be heard/read/whatever. but then i end up mad at myself for turning into an inadvertent psychic vampire.
i don't know...i think i pick up a lot of pain that isn't my own. i don't know if it leaves the persons i pick it up from,or if it just multiplies...i would hope the former,since at least that's one less person in pain. anyway,i can't carry all this pain...if i was a trained buddhist,i could probably transform it into something good...i think that's called tonglen. there are people who seem to know how to turn pain and bad luck into some sort of good,but i seem sadly lacking in knowing how to do that.(if that makes sense.)
well,i'm surrounded by a lot of personal gloom,but at this very moment,i'm alone,no one is bothering me,i can write,i can see,the dogs aren't barking,i'm not starving,and no one is trying to kill me,as far as i know,other than my own brain. that, at least,is good. now i have to just try not to think about people dying and in pain and suffering in general. unless i can think of something i can do to relieve some of it.
no subject
If it wasn't for my parents, I would have killed myself long ago. Just the fact that it'd hurt them so much if I did that is ALL that keeps me from it sometimes. There doesn't seem to be much in life to keep me here but them.
I find myself unable to cry most of the time too. It's like I keep pushing things down and bury it so deep, that the weirdest things will trigger it. Like if I watch a sad movie or something, I just start crying and can't stop. It's really pathetic really.
Have you thought that maybe you're empathetic? I, myself, believe in that sort of stuff. Maybe you are picking up thoughts and feelings of others and need to learn to 'shield' yourself. They have books on how to do that in most stores in the metaphysical section. Maybe you should look into meditation, too. A way to focus yourself and get rid of bad energy. It helps me sometimes to mediate.
In the mean time, take care of yourself and hang in there.
no subject
I've been doing that alot lately...
no subject
i'm thinking of you.
..
no subject
By the way, for me, the therapy sessions of years ago worked wonders. I credt the improvement to a good therapist, and my intense desire to change.
vibes are real to me.
Re: vibes are real to me.
By the way, I added you as a friend. Hope you don't mind!
Re: vibes are real to me.
: )