sick and how to get better?

[bluegreen17]

i was extremely depressed all day yesterday but was still hoping i could push myself to go visit my mother in the nursing home today. but i didn't make it. and of course then i get on this track of what a bad person i am.

okay,so to look at it a different way. i'm sick. so if i'm sick,i would try to get help to get better,right? well,i've been doing that for,oh,35 years now,and i'm not better. oh sure,some days i'm not all that sick. but more days i am.

the drugs i'm taking don't work anymore,but if i stop taking them i'll be sicker. i dont' really have the time or motivation to go to see a psychiatrist (the wellbutrin was prescribed by my primary care nurse practitioner,but i don't know if she can help me any further) i can't afford to be on several drugs. hell,i can't afford to be on the two meds i'm on now (the other is for stomach acid suppression).i'm presently surviving on supplemental gift money.

i've started therapy with a new therapist and i think she's more helpful than the last one i went to,but she might not be able to help me either,as i've been to a few over the years and they couldn't. and i only go for an hour every other week...that really isn't all that helpful. i think i need more than that.

as it looks like i probably never will be better,i need to learn to cope. however,i'm getting sicker and sicker and i don't know how i will be able to support myself in the future. which makes me feel even sicker,since it's a brain thing.

so many days i just see no way out. on the days i don't see all the walls, it's not that i have solutions...it's just that i'm able to temporarily ignore it. in either case,i feel like i am going downhill fast.

and part of me thinks i should just fuckin' shut up. i guess i dont' because i already do a lot of hiding in 'real life' and so i dont' suppress myself here. but then i get mad at myself,because what can any one who reads this do for me? sometimes people are kind and leave supportive notes,which i do appreciate. but then i am angry at myself because i feel like i am bringing other people down with me. like a drowning person who's so heavy that they might take someone else down with them,and they should at least let go and let the other person live.

i know other people have tough lives too...why is it that i feel compelled to whine so much while others just suck up and deal or at least arent' always complaining? i guess i'm just trying to figure out what motivates me to complain so much. maybe i'm so desperate for attention i'll try to get it even if i'm going to embarrass myself and be mad at myself for doing so.

maybe complaining is just another distracting addiction so i can forget how hopeless i feel for a few moments,even while talking about it. but that makes no sense,because often i'm just going deeper into it. which is the whole point of talk therapy. but it doesn't seem to do me any good!

and maybe i should just stop trying to figure it out.

i have a friend at work who's always on my case about meditating. everyone tells you meditation will help. i don't doubt that it does,but i have a heck of a time doing it,and it just makes me more frustrated. sometimes i think it would be helpful to follow a buddhist path...but meditation is central,and i don't want to meditate. i get the impression that i'm totally screwed unless i meditate.

*throws up my virtual hands*
oh,well.

Comments

[disreguardian.livejournal.com]

What kind of therapy are you in?

[bluegreen17]

well,you know,psychotherapy.you talk about your problems. also,some cognitive stuff...suggestions of things you can do. my therapist said i have lots of anxiety. yup.i worry a lot. she suggested i meditate! but that would be one more 'thing to do' which already overwhelms me and i dont' want to do.
do you have experience in being in therapy?

[disreguardian.livejournal.com]

Do I have experience being in therapy? - no. But I do know quite a bit about it. It sounds like you are in some kind of eclectic mixed-model therapy. I have a suspician that you might do better with a much more structured goal-directed therapy that meets at least once per week. Have you ever tried cognitive-behavioral therapy by itself, with no other theoretical therapeutic models thrown into the mix?

[bluegreen17]

none of the therapists i've been to have done straight cognitive-behavioral stuff.

i don't have much choice as i need to go to whomever is covered by my insurance,and then i still have to pay some. it would be tough to go once a week between lack of time and difficulty being able to push myself out of the house-i use up a lot of psychological energy trying to get 40 hours in a week at work and doing things like visiting mom in the nursing home,dentists,chores,etc.
i'm not sure how many people understand about lacking psychological energy,but that's how it is with me...i get depleted after pushing myself through the day doing things i don't like because i have to.

[disreguardian.livejournal.com]

I think I understand your lack of energy and motivation pretty well. That's a pretty common symptom of depression, and I've experienced it too.

In any case, of course insurance and time concerns have to be primary. Have you done much exploration of your treatment options? Sometimes it helps to shop around a bit before you commit to someone, if that's a possibility for you. Also, if you think you may be bipolar, then definitely bring this up with your therapist. If it went undiagnosed before then your current treatment is most likely inappropriate, since bipolar disorder is significantly different from unipolar depression and requires a different approach.

In any case, glad to hear you feel better!

[bluegreen17]

can't do much shopping around as i have very few choices. but anyway...sometimes i think i know more than the therapist. i'm obnoxious that way. my last therapist didn't think there was any connection between my sugar addiction and depression,but i begged to differ. this therapist thought i might have social anxiety. i explained that i am shy,but that i've adapted in most settings due to being in retail for years and so the shyness would mostly show up at a party where i don't know anybody and don't have a particular purpose,but generally i don't feel paralyzingly scared of people (though i do have my days when i just don't want to deal and will try to avoid people i know in the supermarket...but i think that happens to quite a few people.)
i told her i was fortunate to have friends all my life and did well in that department until just the last few years,when i've gotten too needy and messed things up. (i think friendship can be more difficult and more scarce in adult years when one is no longer in school to have a 'gathering place'.) so she at least shelved that diagnosis. i also isolate myself,but it's because of depression and not wanting to bother people or have them see how awful i get plus i get overwhelmed with too many things to do. and when i'm depressed i think that my friendship would be a burden to others.

i will mention to her my literally polarized viewpoints when in different moods.

anyhow,i am also doing some reading and research on my own into cognitive and other stuff.
so i am carrying on.

thanks for your thoughts and support!

Re:

[disreguardian.livejournal.com]

not a problem, any time.

[bayliss.livejournal.com]

All I can Offer you is this...