bluegreen17 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
bluegreen17) wrote2003-05-05 01:51 am
bluegreen17) wrote2003-05-05 01:51 am
a long dark teatime of the soul
don't want to 'say' much lately because i'm tired of contradicting myself!
tomorrow i have therapy and i really want to talk about my whole spiritual void,but psychotherapists don't care about that. and if you're not a member of a church,where do you go for spiritual counseling? so i feel rather on my own in a little boat lost at sea without a paddle. or a little sheep lost...and i'm hoping the shepherd will find me soon.
the fact that i lack motivation (is my apathy from depression or depression from apathy? or both?) is not as important as my spiritual void,but it will give me something to talk about in therapy. i was annoyed when i told my therapist that i didn't have 'psychological energy' and she said,no,you're just not motivated. what's the difference?
i cried a lot today. i felt kind of silly,but not too much since no one is around. and it really was rather cleansing in a way.
i took my sister out for her birthday. she wanted chinese food so that's what we got. i got some veggie lo mein,which i love.
last week,sara sent me this funny photo that was a picture of a late 50's era little girl kneeling at an altar with the word bubble above her saying 'what if it's all bullshit?' sara said this reminded her of me,which made me laugh because i hadn't told her that i've been thinking of going back to church.
as it turns out,she's been thinking of it too. i teased her,because she lives right next door to a large catholic church,and i told her she wouldnt have to walk far. but she said it was 'too gaudy'. i said that was why i liked it. my mother grew up in that church,my parents were married there,and i used to go there with my grandmother when i visited her. the hospital that i and my four sisters were born is is across the street. i think it's funny that my sister ended up moving next door. not only that,but her backyard faces the backyard of the house that my mother grew up in.
anyhow,she said the people who go to that church are really nasty...they are always giving her grief about her parking her car in the parking lot...which her landlord has permission from the church and she has a parking sticker for.
well,so sara and i were talking religion...and who comes in the door but my older sister's baptist pastor. i said hi and then he and his wife sat in the booth behind us,which made me laugh because i had just started discussing some of the things about protestantism i'd discovered lately...like 'sola scriptura'...religion based on the bible alone,which didn't exist for a long time after jesus bid adieu to his apostles...and leaving out a lot of things. and about some of the things i've recently learned about martin luther. just interesting stuff,but i didn't really feel like,uh,pontificating,ha ha...within earshot at that point!
we also talked about the color purple...the movie and book,both of which i loved. and i told sara i loved it because ciely always wrote letters to God. and we talked about the different parts of the movie that made us cry,and we practically started crying right there in the restaurant. sara said,well ciely was so alone when her sister left. and that made sara sad. and i said, no,ceily wasnt alone,she always had God. and then i wanted to cry. because...and maybe this is something i shouldn't write about,i don't know...but, i miss God and don't know where He is anymore. or why i can't find Him.
you know,i thought it was a new agey thing to say 'God is love'. and that has been my definition of God for a long time. but i read it today in a letter by john in the bible. and that made me feel better.
yesterday i read a book about 'returning catholics' and there was a list of things that were considered sins. wow. i alternately think of myself as a good person and a terrible person,depending on my mood. and doubting God's existence and having self-pity are two sins. which makes me a big time sinner....except neither of those things have ever been willful...i don't wake up in the morning and say 'i dont give a damn,i don't feel like believing in God' or 'i think i'll feel sorry for myself and be depressed because i enjoy it'. i hate being depressed. i thought sins are things you do because you're bad or at the very least careless.
it's rather bothering me that though i want to go back to church and concentrate on God and love,now i'm just thinking about avoiding hell. which is probably partly why i rejected the rellgion in the first place...it brings up heavy duty theology regarding a God of love and even having given us free will,i think God should wait forever for every soul to come back to Him. well,i don't presume to be God here,and i know it's rather complicated,but that disturbs me greatly.
the strange,really paradoxical but hopeful thing is...that over the years,i've had doubts of God's existence and i've been angry at God a lot,but i've always loved Jesus. and since Jesus is God...well,it's confusing but hopeful.
sara and i cried about mom today too. she said if mom,who taught us manners and how to behave in public,and be considerate of others,could see herself now,she'd be appalled. because part of my mother's brain affliction includes lack of social decorum. so she does embarrassing things but doesn't know they're embarrassing.
but i told sara that it'd be alright,because mom is going to see her dad soon,whom she hasn't seen since he died when she was sixteen. and she missed him terribly all her adult life. which made us both cry.
i'm sad because i want my mom back. i'm sad because even before mom got sick,she didn't love me like i wanted her to. i tried and tried to connect with her in the past few years,but she just distanced herself from me more. and i can only think she did it because she's always had her own emotional problems,and she just couldnt deal with me. and now,even though she's still physically alive,she's gone.
i like to think that we were closer when i was a child. i think she always loved me,but she had a tougher time being emotionally close to us when we became adults.
it's hard to be objective and know if memory is correct,but i credit my basic decency to the love and guidance of my parents. and i feel very lucky that i have the two parents i do. so there definitely was and is a lot of love there amidst our human failings. and that helps a lot.
tomorrow i have therapy and i really want to talk about my whole spiritual void,but psychotherapists don't care about that. and if you're not a member of a church,where do you go for spiritual counseling? so i feel rather on my own in a little boat lost at sea without a paddle. or a little sheep lost...and i'm hoping the shepherd will find me soon.
the fact that i lack motivation (is my apathy from depression or depression from apathy? or both?) is not as important as my spiritual void,but it will give me something to talk about in therapy. i was annoyed when i told my therapist that i didn't have 'psychological energy' and she said,no,you're just not motivated. what's the difference?
i cried a lot today. i felt kind of silly,but not too much since no one is around. and it really was rather cleansing in a way.
i took my sister out for her birthday. she wanted chinese food so that's what we got. i got some veggie lo mein,which i love.
last week,sara sent me this funny photo that was a picture of a late 50's era little girl kneeling at an altar with the word bubble above her saying 'what if it's all bullshit?' sara said this reminded her of me,which made me laugh because i hadn't told her that i've been thinking of going back to church.
as it turns out,she's been thinking of it too. i teased her,because she lives right next door to a large catholic church,and i told her she wouldnt have to walk far. but she said it was 'too gaudy'. i said that was why i liked it. my mother grew up in that church,my parents were married there,and i used to go there with my grandmother when i visited her. the hospital that i and my four sisters were born is is across the street. i think it's funny that my sister ended up moving next door. not only that,but her backyard faces the backyard of the house that my mother grew up in.
anyhow,she said the people who go to that church are really nasty...they are always giving her grief about her parking her car in the parking lot...which her landlord has permission from the church and she has a parking sticker for.
well,so sara and i were talking religion...and who comes in the door but my older sister's baptist pastor. i said hi and then he and his wife sat in the booth behind us,which made me laugh because i had just started discussing some of the things about protestantism i'd discovered lately...like 'sola scriptura'...religion based on the bible alone,which didn't exist for a long time after jesus bid adieu to his apostles...and leaving out a lot of things. and about some of the things i've recently learned about martin luther. just interesting stuff,but i didn't really feel like,uh,pontificating,ha ha...within earshot at that point!
we also talked about the color purple...the movie and book,both of which i loved. and i told sara i loved it because ciely always wrote letters to God. and we talked about the different parts of the movie that made us cry,and we practically started crying right there in the restaurant. sara said,well ciely was so alone when her sister left. and that made sara sad. and i said, no,ceily wasnt alone,she always had God. and then i wanted to cry. because...and maybe this is something i shouldn't write about,i don't know...but, i miss God and don't know where He is anymore. or why i can't find Him.
you know,i thought it was a new agey thing to say 'God is love'. and that has been my definition of God for a long time. but i read it today in a letter by john in the bible. and that made me feel better.
yesterday i read a book about 'returning catholics' and there was a list of things that were considered sins. wow. i alternately think of myself as a good person and a terrible person,depending on my mood. and doubting God's existence and having self-pity are two sins. which makes me a big time sinner....except neither of those things have ever been willful...i don't wake up in the morning and say 'i dont give a damn,i don't feel like believing in God' or 'i think i'll feel sorry for myself and be depressed because i enjoy it'. i hate being depressed. i thought sins are things you do because you're bad or at the very least careless.
it's rather bothering me that though i want to go back to church and concentrate on God and love,now i'm just thinking about avoiding hell. which is probably partly why i rejected the rellgion in the first place...it brings up heavy duty theology regarding a God of love and even having given us free will,i think God should wait forever for every soul to come back to Him. well,i don't presume to be God here,and i know it's rather complicated,but that disturbs me greatly.
the strange,really paradoxical but hopeful thing is...that over the years,i've had doubts of God's existence and i've been angry at God a lot,but i've always loved Jesus. and since Jesus is God...well,it's confusing but hopeful.
sara and i cried about mom today too. she said if mom,who taught us manners and how to behave in public,and be considerate of others,could see herself now,she'd be appalled. because part of my mother's brain affliction includes lack of social decorum. so she does embarrassing things but doesn't know they're embarrassing.
but i told sara that it'd be alright,because mom is going to see her dad soon,whom she hasn't seen since he died when she was sixteen. and she missed him terribly all her adult life. which made us both cry.
i'm sad because i want my mom back. i'm sad because even before mom got sick,she didn't love me like i wanted her to. i tried and tried to connect with her in the past few years,but she just distanced herself from me more. and i can only think she did it because she's always had her own emotional problems,and she just couldnt deal with me. and now,even though she's still physically alive,she's gone.
i like to think that we were closer when i was a child. i think she always loved me,but she had a tougher time being emotionally close to us when we became adults.
it's hard to be objective and know if memory is correct,but i credit my basic decency to the love and guidance of my parents. and i feel very lucky that i have the two parents i do. so there definitely was and is a lot of love there amidst our human failings. and that helps a lot.
Re: a long dark teatime of the soul
i loved the madeleine l'engle interview you linked to. you find the most wonderful things,so thanks for sharing. i may use that quote on my lj as well. when i read 'a wrinkle in time' the ending really knocked my socks off. i love madeleine l'engle! thanks again.