bluegreen17 | not getting through

it wasn't always so,but when times get tough,it's the buddhists who help me out the most these days. primarily the western buddhists who have explained things in terms i can understand. firstly,sylvia boorstein,whose book -it's easier than you think-,helped me to really understand for the first time the four noble truths. and secondly,pema chodron's book -when things fall apart- is a book of empathy when you're in dark places.

i wrote a short review recommending that book on amazon,saying one could get something from it at any time,but that it's an excellent companion when one is in the depths of despair. interestingly,someone else felt that the very same book would cause someone to commit suicide. which is strange. i once read william styron's -darkness visible- which is a bleak bleak book about a bleak bleak time in his life (in his case,he got over it,and his message is that one should hang in,because it ends. sadly,that's not always true. some folks have bad episodes and do get over them. others have recurring bad episodes and sometimes also have chronic low grade depression between those episodes,so it doesn't end for long,if at all,for some. mine have recurred more and more frequently as i've gotten older,i think. thought it's hard to know if memory serves correctly. when i was younger i had the hope of the future and more good things in my life to distract me than i do now. i still have to hold out some hope because otherwise how could i survive at all?)

anyhow,my point is that for me reading styron's book helped take a little edge off even though i read it during one of my lowest points. it helped me to feel i wasn't crazy after all. and pema chodron's -when things fall apart- is empathetic and also tells you what you can do when you feel like you're at the bottom of the well. that's very helpful.

as i said,it wasn't always buddhism that has gotten me through. when i was younger,i had a good connection with God. my recent attempts at reunion with God and religion are not going too well. it's discouraging,for one thing,to find out that it's a sin to go shopping on sunday. that's kind of tough when sometimes that's the only day i have to do it. i see the idea behind keeping holy that onr day,but i also see people who do that and step all over their fellow human beings the rest of the week. i consider every day holy,and i don't think about God only on sunday.

also,i want to reconnect with God but He doesn't seem to be interested in reconnecting with me. of course,that's the total opposite of what one mostly hears...that God is chasing us and cares about us.

then there's the other possibility,which i don't like in some ways,but makes me feel less bad in others, that God loves me but is not powerful enough to get through something that is blocking us. a loving but not all-powerful God seems to be the premise behind harold kushner's book -when bad things happen to good people-,which is a wonderful book regardless of one's beliefs.

still others say God doesn't interfere because we have free will. or that He won't interfere unless we ask (the premise behind -the prayer of jabez-) because that would be negating our free will.

well,i don't know about that,because i ask for help,in general or to understand. i even ask for help for my unbelief! (and i guess unbelief is a sin too.) i feel like God is not listening or at least not responding. perhaps i'm just too dense to see and i'm missing something. do i have to specifically ask to be able to perceive something i'm missing? i would think God would understand! when i just pray and say 'help!'. i would hope i dont' have to 'spell it out' for God. i'm rather baffled,to say the least.

well,i can still be helped by buddhist practices and not give on God or christianity. i'm not giving up yet,but i'm sad that things seem to be going so poorly.

and because i haven't yet learned how to handle my depression with grace,i'll just whine again and say that i am totally sick of being depressed,having nothing to look forward to,and holding onto hope even when i see none.

maybe someday i'll understand,and the sooner the better.

meanwhile,my corner of the world is graced with lilacs and other gorgeous things blooming. and i am grateful, at least, for that.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

A God that is less than infinite is hard for me to accept, yet such an infinite God's existence and reasons for doing as s/he/it does are so hard to grasp. I have a feeling that God knows what's best for us all, even when our lives seem bleak and dark, and I have a feeling that what we wish for might not be what is really best for us in the end. It's hard to understand why God seems to avoid us sometimes, or leave us on our own when we need support the most, but I like to believe God is there anyway, and that everything is all right underneath the surface.

Wallace, I think, put it this way: God can't be both benevolent and omnipotent, because if He was He wouldn't let suffering occur. He must either me heartless or powerless. The answer, I think, lies in de-anthropomorphizing God. He can be both benevolent and omnipotent, but on a universal level that human minds must struggle to understand. Even the worst tragedy can work for the best in the end.

i think that's a good advise to hang in...but some folks don't have enough money to hang in, they have to go to work each day..therefore they fight depression in the three possible ways: to accept it, to supress it, to run away of it

i've been having a more and more difficult time pushing myself to work the forty hours that i need to every week. for quite a while,i called in sick fairly often. lately i've coped by telling myself to just take one step at a time and in that way,i sometimes get to work late,but at least i dont lose the whole day. nevertheless,it is of great concern to me that my depression is making it so hard for me to just keep working. and i have no choice,as my finances are in very poor shape. in fact,i should work two jobs but i have no idea how i would manage that,since i can barely manage the one. ah,well. still waiting for a miracle. at least some days there are small things that are good.

i don't know if i'm depressed because i want so much out of life,and if that is why i get less and less...too heavy expectations.

I think that creating a faith that is all "law and prophets" is the antithesis of who I imagine you to be. Cut through the rules, and hunt for the spirit. The western Buddhists fascinate me, because they must cut away much rind to make the core work for westerners.
I tend to think one must synthesize and explore, striving toward what is, or What Is, depending on one's belief structure.

I know so little about you, but I wonder if you are not a Friend, really?

Friend as in religious society of friends?

i've heard the argument that one must pick a path and follow it or one won't get anywhere...you'll be all over the place. and it makes sense to me. i have done that with religion and many other things,and this lack of focus or reluctance to cut down my options has left me with not much of anything,it seems,at this stage of my life. or at least that's how it seems to me.

my tendency is to synthesize and put different things together,but i wonder if there are certain areas of life where it is ill-advised to do so. any further thoughts on the matter,if i'm being clear enough,that is?

Society of Friends.

I agree--pick a path. But synthesis is also a path.
Use what works.
Discard what doesn't.
Include your mind in the equation.
Accept it won't all work all the time.
Reject what never works.

I like a different song: "No trains to Heaven, for the Kingdom lies within".

funny,but recently i re-stumbled upon some 'new thought' books,some of which i'd read partially or whole years ago. they seem to resonate with me,because i feel that Jesus showed us the way and that is much overlooked...i love the symbol of resurrection,but i don't really like the viewpoint of Jesus having to 'pay' for our sins. who would he pay it to?

so now i'm rereading florence scovel shinn and ernest holmes and i found a writer i really liked whose books are available online at newthoughtbooks named gardner hunting (makes me think of 'good will hunting!')

we'll see how long i'll stay enthused about this,but it seems much more embracing and hopeful than anything i've read or investigated in a while.

sometimes i seriously think i'd like to be a minister/priest. i like to inspire people and spirituality is important to me,but i have so much doubt...how would i minister? ha. i would think you'd need a certain amount of conviction.

anyway,thought you might be interested in my recent spiritual journey...for some reason i feel that it's a bit obnoxious and/or i'm embarrassed about actually writing entries about my spiritual search...possibly because i'm so spiritually promiscuous,it seems. but if so,i'm a whore with a heart of gold!
:-)

I could not remember which journal had this thread, so it took me a moment to respond, as I had not responded when the notification e mail came.

I find the New Thought writers fascinating. Of them, Ernest Holmes is my favorite, although the Fillmores and Thomas Troward are all interesting stuff, too.
I like the way that New Thought tried to synthesize the American experience into traditional faiths to create something workable.

I am troubled by the New Thought Universal Mind concept, although I can never put my finger on why.
But these writings have been very influential on the way I look at life, and I am glad I know them.

Have you read Emma Curtis Hopkins' High Mysticism?
She is kind of the "missing link" between all the "major" New Thought practitioners and the original Quimby notions (and Christian Science) notions. She's a fascinating life, having studied under Mary Baker Eddy until they fell out, and then travelling the country free lance, giving lessons. Sometimes she seems like that old story about the Velvet Underground, because she only touched so many people, but each one she touched founded a major religion, Religious Science, Unity, Divine Science, etc.

High Mysticism uses a lot of high flown prose and almost theosophical mystic emphasis, but it's a fascinating read nonetheless. I used to love to get it from the LA main public library, where the copy was always burn-stained from their long-ago fire.
But last year I remember reviewing it on amazon, because it's been re=issued, so I know it's available again for not much money used.

I like learning about your quest.

not getting through

no subject

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working

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Friends; synthesis

Re: Friends; synthesis

a late p.s.

Re: a late p.s.