bluegreen17 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
bluegreen17) wrote2003-05-12 01:20 am
bluegreen17) wrote2003-05-12 01:20 am
warmth and rain
there's a steady rain outside my window,a lovely sound. it reminds me of the evening that i sat here and read jack kerouac's -visions of gerard-,which i loved. it's sad and beautiful and the soft rain was the perfect backdrop.
i'm feeling sappy,sentimental,sad,a bit lonely. today my apartment seems empty and a little bit cavernous. i do like it much better than being here with someone who would be,as it says in 'desiderata',a vexation to my soul. my soul gets vexed easily.
i'm sappy feeling grateful to my parents for having had all of us,and the love they raised us with. i'm grateful for them and for my four sisters. i'm grateful that two of my sisters understand me somewhat,and that the other two,though they may not as much, are good hearts and love me and have a dear place in heart.
my two more-alike sisters,sara and rachel, also share the tendency to melancholy and have had very difficult lives the past two years. as have lise and michele,but they are not quite so melancholy about it!
i'm sad when i think of my mother...not being able to speak,not being who she really is anymore. i'm glad she doesnt know she's dying of als-lou gehrig's disease. i'm glad,in retrospect,that it took so long to get a diagnosis for her losing her voice,having trouble swallowing food and her dementia. the diagnosis was elusive because dementia is not common with als. by the time she was diagnosed,her dementia was far enough along that she didn't understand what she had. which is good,because she's a nurse and would have been terrified to know that. as it is,she lives moment to moment,as far as i can tell.
God willing, may my whole family have some peace and blessings soon. may my mother's death be as comfortable as possible,and may she see her loved ones on the other side,especially her dad whom she lost before we were all even born.
i'm lonely but try to think that there is a God and i'm better off alone than with some folks i could be with. other people can be so difficult,and i am difficult myself. but there are some folks i can relate to in a good way and vice versa. and perhaps i'm fortunate to have had the quality of relationships i've had over the years rather than just a big quantity of friends who didn't treat me well and whom i didn't treat well.
now i'm thinking it would be nice to find a friend/roommate. it's been rare that i've found a good roommate over the years...but couldn't it happen again? and i like to think and remember,that for some people i can be a joy and a blessing in their lives,in spite of my shortcomings. i can't help it that i'm only 5'2". : p
i need to remember something more often...i need to remember that i'm a good and worthwhile person. i need to remember that other people are good and worthwhile,though some hide it behind more layers than others. i have a couple of friends who every once in a while say 'diane,you're a good person',just out of the blue. i appreciate that,because i forget.
i'm not the horrible useless person i sometimes believe i am. neither am i the only decent or interesting person for miles that i think i am when i get in one of my arrogant moods. i'm somewhere in between.
it's going to be nice to sleep with the sound of rain tonight. i love that.
i'm feeling sappy,sentimental,sad,a bit lonely. today my apartment seems empty and a little bit cavernous. i do like it much better than being here with someone who would be,as it says in 'desiderata',a vexation to my soul. my soul gets vexed easily.
i'm sappy feeling grateful to my parents for having had all of us,and the love they raised us with. i'm grateful for them and for my four sisters. i'm grateful that two of my sisters understand me somewhat,and that the other two,though they may not as much, are good hearts and love me and have a dear place in heart.
my two more-alike sisters,sara and rachel, also share the tendency to melancholy and have had very difficult lives the past two years. as have lise and michele,but they are not quite so melancholy about it!
i'm sad when i think of my mother...not being able to speak,not being who she really is anymore. i'm glad she doesnt know she's dying of als-lou gehrig's disease. i'm glad,in retrospect,that it took so long to get a diagnosis for her losing her voice,having trouble swallowing food and her dementia. the diagnosis was elusive because dementia is not common with als. by the time she was diagnosed,her dementia was far enough along that she didn't understand what she had. which is good,because she's a nurse and would have been terrified to know that. as it is,she lives moment to moment,as far as i can tell.
God willing, may my whole family have some peace and blessings soon. may my mother's death be as comfortable as possible,and may she see her loved ones on the other side,especially her dad whom she lost before we were all even born.
i'm lonely but try to think that there is a God and i'm better off alone than with some folks i could be with. other people can be so difficult,and i am difficult myself. but there are some folks i can relate to in a good way and vice versa. and perhaps i'm fortunate to have had the quality of relationships i've had over the years rather than just a big quantity of friends who didn't treat me well and whom i didn't treat well.
now i'm thinking it would be nice to find a friend/roommate. it's been rare that i've found a good roommate over the years...but couldn't it happen again? and i like to think and remember,that for some people i can be a joy and a blessing in their lives,in spite of my shortcomings. i can't help it that i'm only 5'2". : p
i need to remember something more often...i need to remember that i'm a good and worthwhile person. i need to remember that other people are good and worthwhile,though some hide it behind more layers than others. i have a couple of friends who every once in a while say 'diane,you're a good person',just out of the blue. i appreciate that,because i forget.
i'm not the horrible useless person i sometimes believe i am. neither am i the only decent or interesting person for miles that i think i am when i get in one of my arrogant moods. i'm somewhere in between.
it's going to be nice to sleep with the sound of rain tonight. i love that.
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Just 'cause.
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in moments of clarity,i remember melancholy as a demon that is really an angel,but it is rare that i can see that.
i've had one of the moments of grace this morning of really seeing. it happens,i'm graced with understanding,and then i lose it. it is not gone,i just can't see it much of the time.
listening to u2's 'rattle and hum' today,a few things stand out:
"lady day got diamond eyes/
she sees the truth behind the lies"
"angel in devil's shoes/
salvation in the blues/
you never looked like an angel/
angel of harlem"
('angel of harlem')
and
"don't believe the devil/
i don't believe his book/
but the truth is not the same/ without the lies he made up"
('god part 2')
also,have you ever seen 'jacob's ladder'? many see it as a horror movie,but to me the core of the movie is a quote from meister eckhart. i won't spoil it if you've never seen it,but that movie really blew my mind. which is good because then the dark mind gets more daylight in it!
Re:
each life has its place
which reminds me of the indigo girls song,'virginia woolf' and some of the beautiful and hopeful lyrics:
They published your diary and that's how I got to know you Key to the room of your own and a mind without end.
Here's a young girl on a kind of a telephone line through time
The voice at the other end comes like a long lost friend So I know I'm all right, my life will come, my life will go Still I feel it's all right, I just got a letter to my soul
When my whole life is on the tip of my tongue,
Empty pages for the no longer young
The apathy of time laughs in my face
You say each life has it's place
The hatches were battened, thunderclouds rolled and the critics stormed Battles surrounded the white flag of your youth But if you need to know that you weathered the storm of cruel mortality A hundred years later I'm sitting here living proof
So you know it's all right... and you say,
each life has its place.
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