bluegreen17 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
bluegreen17) wrote2002-07-14 01:31 pm
bluegreen17) wrote2002-07-14 01:31 pm
am i evil?
well,the last two nights i've come home to upsetting and depressing emails from siblings.
friday night my sister who does all the driving of mom around,wrote to say that the neuroligist wasn't very helpful and that he now wants to do a two hour eeg which she would have to sit through with her two youngest kids. her oldest and her husband are in the caribbean doing some missionary work,some sort of bible classes,so there is no one to watch the younger kids.she also said she is really burnt out and stressed and said there were some personal problems that she couldnt' talk about,but that were making it even harder for her. well,it has made me worry about her in addition to everything else,because she's dealing with something she cant talk about.
i certainly understand her burnout.
so i wrote back in an email that went to all four of my sisters,and basically said she should just take care of her family and that mom is in no danger (mom's problem is that she has had speech problems since an alleged stroke...it's been all guesswork. however,speech therapy didn't really help. she can manage and i have suggested to her that she bring a pen and pad of paper with her to write things down if people can't understand her.i know it must be frustrating for her,but there is only so much we can do.all of us kids are stressed to the max,except of maybe my sister in pennyslvania,but she's too far away to help.) and so we should just postpone or cancel further exploration into the speech problem.
so i come home saturday night to a mean email lecture from oldest sister in PA,who basically hasn't had to deal with this much,though she did come up for a week to help my other sister with finances and spend some time with my mother.
she basically lectured ME about how much mom has done for us and we should put aside our troubles and help her out,etc etc.
well,for one thing,my mother hasnt been emotionally available to me for years,though she listens to my other sisters on the phone. and even then,she has never been really empathetic,as in saying 'well,gee that's tough...take care of yourself'
it's mainly been 'things will get better..." which doesn't help when you need to be heard and it doesn't seem likely. but i guess mom has done her best. she's had depression,anxiety and phobias all her life too. sometimes she asked us,her kids,to help out. when i was in high school,she would have anxiety attacks and i'd be up in my room like a teenager is wont to do,and she'd ask me to come and sit downstairs with her,because she was scared. so i would. i dont' know if this happened with some of my other sisters. but the one who has had to 'take care' of my mother the most,since she was about five years old,is my baby sister.she's done a lot of emotional caretaking,which is not because my mother is a bad person,but it's not fair to a child growing up either.
and as for me,my sister didn't know what problems i had...so i filled her in,in a return email which i wrote because i was very angry and hurt. and i thought of waiting until this morning to send it,but i didn't. and you know what? i dont regret it,strangely. i think it's about time she got an earful from me.i think she deserved to hear my anger and my difficulties,and it was high time she knew that i live many days in hell and feel suicidal a lot and that i dont have it easy...i think she mentioned that we shouldn't begrudge our mom a little time and money...well,i'm the one who has had my expenses go up by $300 dollars a month which is hard when i'm only making $17,000 a year and the rent,which i'm paying all of,is $8,000 a year.
the basic tone of my email was 'thanks for kicking me when i'm down. i hate myself enough and it's people like you who make me feel even worse'.
all of these emails went to all of my sisters. i havent' heard anything from any of them today,which maybe is just as well but makes me a little bit paranoid.
i did get an email from my youngest sister last night before i replied to my oldest sister. she said basically i should ignore my self-righteous sister and she was mad on my behalf.
that email was to me privately. i appreciated her concern.
theren't aint much fun is this dysfunctional family right now!
am i evil?
friday night my sister who does all the driving of mom around,wrote to say that the neuroligist wasn't very helpful and that he now wants to do a two hour eeg which she would have to sit through with her two youngest kids. her oldest and her husband are in the caribbean doing some missionary work,some sort of bible classes,so there is no one to watch the younger kids.she also said she is really burnt out and stressed and said there were some personal problems that she couldnt' talk about,but that were making it even harder for her. well,it has made me worry about her in addition to everything else,because she's dealing with something she cant talk about.
i certainly understand her burnout.
so i wrote back in an email that went to all four of my sisters,and basically said she should just take care of her family and that mom is in no danger (mom's problem is that she has had speech problems since an alleged stroke...it's been all guesswork. however,speech therapy didn't really help. she can manage and i have suggested to her that she bring a pen and pad of paper with her to write things down if people can't understand her.i know it must be frustrating for her,but there is only so much we can do.all of us kids are stressed to the max,except of maybe my sister in pennyslvania,but she's too far away to help.) and so we should just postpone or cancel further exploration into the speech problem.
so i come home saturday night to a mean email lecture from oldest sister in PA,who basically hasn't had to deal with this much,though she did come up for a week to help my other sister with finances and spend some time with my mother.
she basically lectured ME about how much mom has done for us and we should put aside our troubles and help her out,etc etc.
well,for one thing,my mother hasnt been emotionally available to me for years,though she listens to my other sisters on the phone. and even then,she has never been really empathetic,as in saying 'well,gee that's tough...take care of yourself'
it's mainly been 'things will get better..." which doesn't help when you need to be heard and it doesn't seem likely. but i guess mom has done her best. she's had depression,anxiety and phobias all her life too. sometimes she asked us,her kids,to help out. when i was in high school,she would have anxiety attacks and i'd be up in my room like a teenager is wont to do,and she'd ask me to come and sit downstairs with her,because she was scared. so i would. i dont' know if this happened with some of my other sisters. but the one who has had to 'take care' of my mother the most,since she was about five years old,is my baby sister.she's done a lot of emotional caretaking,which is not because my mother is a bad person,but it's not fair to a child growing up either.
and as for me,my sister didn't know what problems i had...so i filled her in,in a return email which i wrote because i was very angry and hurt. and i thought of waiting until this morning to send it,but i didn't. and you know what? i dont regret it,strangely. i think it's about time she got an earful from me.i think she deserved to hear my anger and my difficulties,and it was high time she knew that i live many days in hell and feel suicidal a lot and that i dont have it easy...i think she mentioned that we shouldn't begrudge our mom a little time and money...well,i'm the one who has had my expenses go up by $300 dollars a month which is hard when i'm only making $17,000 a year and the rent,which i'm paying all of,is $8,000 a year.
the basic tone of my email was 'thanks for kicking me when i'm down. i hate myself enough and it's people like you who make me feel even worse'.
all of these emails went to all of my sisters. i havent' heard anything from any of them today,which maybe is just as well but makes me a little bit paranoid.
i did get an email from my youngest sister last night before i replied to my oldest sister. she said basically i should ignore my self-righteous sister and she was mad on my behalf.
that email was to me privately. i appreciated her concern.
theren't aint much fun is this dysfunctional family right now!
am i evil?
no subject
Oh! If possible, (2) limit your soap opera as best you can.
Good luck! No one needs a Suck-A-Thon.