bluegreen17 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
bluegreen17) wrote2003-06-09 05:28 pm
bluegreen17) wrote2003-06-09 05:28 pm
(no subject)
i'm totally hopeless and fucked up.
well,at least that was how i felt today again during my therapy appointment.
and when i feel that way,sometimes i start crying. but i really didn't want to cry in the therapist's office. when i'm home alone,and i watch something or read something that makes me cry,that's okay. in fact,it's a great relief. i don't like to cry in front of most people,though,except maybe my sisters.
i wish i could cry now but i guess i don't dare because if i do i'll just curl up in the fetal position and not feel able to do the things i need to do the rest of the day.
i've gone from one extreme to another with therapists. the last one was very empathetic but had no practical advice. this one was trying to give me a needed kick in the butt,but that doesn't really work with me. or maybe it does/will. right now i'm mad,but more at myself than anyone. i was angry that she pushed me psychologically,but i felt even worse when she sat there and didn't say anything and just waited for me to say something.
she also pissed me off because she said that the FIRST thing i should do is see a psychiatrist and get medication. or rather,different medication,since i'm already on wellbutrin. i don't know why,but i'd almost rather jump off a bridge than be at the mercy of the psychiatric profession and pharmaceutical companies. i feel that strongly about it. i think that things are so fucked and it's not just me.
well,of course,i had to pull myself together. i feel so alone. my therapist knows i have very little in the way of support in my daily life,but of course she can't do anything about it. but she didn't have any suggestions as to what i can do about it though.
she said i've 'given up on myself' and in a sense she's right. i told her i felt like no one 'believes in me' in the sense of really feeling supported for BEING MYSELF. my mother is gone mentally and has been gone emotionally for a long time; my dad is a dear but he doesn't really know how to give emotional support; and my sisters support as best they can while dealing with their own stuff. i have supportive work friends,but that's not enough. but i guess it's going to have to be enough. i just feel so isolated and choiceless.
i even felt bad for ruining my therapist's day. which i probably didn't,but i'm sure i didn't add to it either. because for now at least i'm not going back. i didn't storm out of her office,but i was still teary-eyed when i left and it doesn't feel good to have left while feeling so depressed about things. feeling like a totally useless fuckup.
and now enough of that. i've got to go give myself a pep talk,and keep looking for hope. it's very romantic to be an angry young man,but not so much to be an angry middle-aged woman. but i think it's my anger that's keeping me going right now. but has anger kept me going all these years or has anger made these years hard to get through?
well,at least that was how i felt today again during my therapy appointment.
and when i feel that way,sometimes i start crying. but i really didn't want to cry in the therapist's office. when i'm home alone,and i watch something or read something that makes me cry,that's okay. in fact,it's a great relief. i don't like to cry in front of most people,though,except maybe my sisters.
i wish i could cry now but i guess i don't dare because if i do i'll just curl up in the fetal position and not feel able to do the things i need to do the rest of the day.
i've gone from one extreme to another with therapists. the last one was very empathetic but had no practical advice. this one was trying to give me a needed kick in the butt,but that doesn't really work with me. or maybe it does/will. right now i'm mad,but more at myself than anyone. i was angry that she pushed me psychologically,but i felt even worse when she sat there and didn't say anything and just waited for me to say something.
she also pissed me off because she said that the FIRST thing i should do is see a psychiatrist and get medication. or rather,different medication,since i'm already on wellbutrin. i don't know why,but i'd almost rather jump off a bridge than be at the mercy of the psychiatric profession and pharmaceutical companies. i feel that strongly about it. i think that things are so fucked and it's not just me.
well,of course,i had to pull myself together. i feel so alone. my therapist knows i have very little in the way of support in my daily life,but of course she can't do anything about it. but she didn't have any suggestions as to what i can do about it though.
she said i've 'given up on myself' and in a sense she's right. i told her i felt like no one 'believes in me' in the sense of really feeling supported for BEING MYSELF. my mother is gone mentally and has been gone emotionally for a long time; my dad is a dear but he doesn't really know how to give emotional support; and my sisters support as best they can while dealing with their own stuff. i have supportive work friends,but that's not enough. but i guess it's going to have to be enough. i just feel so isolated and choiceless.
i even felt bad for ruining my therapist's day. which i probably didn't,but i'm sure i didn't add to it either. because for now at least i'm not going back. i didn't storm out of her office,but i was still teary-eyed when i left and it doesn't feel good to have left while feeling so depressed about things. feeling like a totally useless fuckup.
and now enough of that. i've got to go give myself a pep talk,and keep looking for hope. it's very romantic to be an angry young man,but not so much to be an angry middle-aged woman. but i think it's my anger that's keeping me going right now. but has anger kept me going all these years or has anger made these years hard to get through?