bluegreen17 | a why for di

Simply to experience life.

As if you need another reason.....

well,i hate to say this,but if i was here just to experience my life,i'd be all that quicker to kill myself. my life isn't very good and seems to get harder every day.i need a reason to put up with life. life is easier for some people than for others.i've studied a lot of spirituality,i've read about the power of now and that all of life is an illusion...i think the deal is that i'm not ready for that kind of evolved spirituality. maybe i can accept where i'm at in that evolution.if so,paradoxically,i think i need to head for a goal in order to put up with everyday life,and in so doing,i know sometimes i 'accidentally' find that i'm enjoying life. but if i try to just enjoy life as it is,it's too hard because i have too many problems in my daily life,and focusing on it only makes me feel worse. i dont know if this makes sense to you. it's the best sense i can make of it for myself at the moment!

“Do or not do! There is no try!” - Yoda

How can you make your life more fun and interesting? Why are you putting up with so many things that you do not like?

that is one line of yoda's i've never agreed with!

anyway,why am i putting up with things i don't like? well,for one thing,i dont' like having to help my mother,but she is my mother and a good person,so i don't see any choice.
for another,i have several medical problems than i am doing my best to heal but they haven't...it's not a matter of why am i putting up with it...i've TRIED to change it but i haven't succeeded.

do you understand how things are not so simple?

i'm not totally sure of where you're coming from; comprehension ebbs and flows in my brain...guess it's ebbing in that case.
thanks for taking the time to write a note!

I wish I could think of some inspiring words to help.

There have been many times in my life that I felt I had no purpose. I just had to hang in there until I found one.

take care~

thanks for your kind thoughts!

What are you accomplishing with your life? You keep room and board for your mother, admirable. You teach your sisters what it is to be you and how hard that is, educational. You encourage your fellow journal readers to carry on in spite of their own hardships by carrying on and describing your own, also encouraging. The three purposes of my own personal faith are learn a lesson, teach a lesson, be a lesson. You are accomplishing all three.

thanks for showing me a different perspective with your kind and encouraging words.i very much appreciate them.
diane

huuuuuu..this gives a long entry moonriver..it's from a discussion krishnamurit had about the purpose of life

Krishnamurti: Does that interest everybody, to discuss what is
the purpose of life, reincarnation and karma?

Audience: Yes.

Krishnamurti: Then let us discuss what is the purpose of life,
and perhaps later we shall introduce other subjects.

First of all, in discussing any subject of this kind, we must
obviously be earnest and not academic, scholarly or superficial,
because that will not lead us anywhere. So, we have to be very
serious, and that means we cannot merely accept or reject, but must
investigate to find out the truth of any subject. One must be
attentive and not academic. One must be open to suggestion, and
therefore one must have a desire to investigate and not merely accept
the authority, either of the platform or of a book, of the dead past
or of the present. So, in discussing what is the purpose of life, we
have to find out what we mean by "life" and what we mean by
"purpose" - not merely the dictionary meaning, but the significance
we give to those words. Surely, life implies everyday action,
everyday thought, everyday feeling, does it not? It implies the
struggles, the pains, the anxieties, the deceptions, the worries, the
routine of the office, of business, of bureaucracy, and so on. All
that is life, is it not? By life we mean, not just one department or
one layer of consciousness, but the total process of existence which
is our relationship to things, to people, to ideas. That is what we
mean by life - not an abstract thing.

So, if that is what we mean by life, then has life a purpose? Or
is it because we do not understand the ways of life - the everyday
pain, anxiety, fear, ambition, greed - , because we do not understand
the daily activities of existence, that we want a purpose, remote or
near, far away or close? We want a purpose so that we can guide our
everyday life towards an end. That is obviously what we mean by
purpose. But if I understand how to live, then the very living is in
itself sufficient, is it not? Do we then want a purpose? If I love
you, if I love another, is that not sufficient in itself? Do I then
want a purpose? Surely, we want a purpose only when we do not
understand, or when we want a mode of conduct with an end in view.
After all, most of us are seeking a way of life, a way of conduct;
and we either look to others, to the past, or we try to find a mode
of behaviour through our own experience. When we look to our own
experience for a pattern of behaviour, our experience is always
conditioned, is it not? However wide the experiences one may have
had, unless these experiences dissolve the past conditioning, any new
experiences only further strengthen the past conditioning. That is a
fact which we can discuss. And if we look to another, to the past,
to a guru, to an ideal, to an example, for a pattern of behaviour, we
are merely forcing the extraordinary vitality of life into a mould,
into a particular shape, and thereby we lose the swiftness, the
intensity, the richness of life.

So, we must find out very clearly what we mean by purpose, if
there is a purpose. ....and so on...
the amount of letters is limited here...i try to mail you the rest and hope you will read it....of course...i feel most of the time that "my" life has no purpose or is meaningless..i prefer the second description

once i have read: what is the purpose of trillions and trillions of galaxies..they are, that's all

purposeless makes me think of existentialism...i'm not comfortable with it.

it's also connected to the fact that i pick up on so many things in my environment and am sensitive to so many things. it has it's good points...it seems to be that not everyone enjoys a sunset and is awed by it the way i am...but it is also overwhelming and exhausting,which is why having something to focus on,some kind of purpose,helps me to shut down some of the stimuli so i don't feel paralized by it...i think that is the root of much of my depression...i 'shut down' because i am entirely worn down by crying over the world's suffering and all i see around me,and often can't block out.

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yes,i think you understood that right.
the world's brutality...yes.
i wouldn't say there is much brutality in me...though of course i have a shadow side and sometimes i can be unkind in a verbal way...but it is not all that common and not malicious,unless i'm totally fooling myself.

i once read in a book, that a manger has said: i don't have stomach ulcer, i share out them...
i have read that in a book from Dale Carnegie, i think you have heard for that author

and i add now: depressiv people are these ones who do harm to themselves

do you have like me the habit to seek for the roots of depression...and then suddenly one meants to have found it..but it doesnt help... and one forgets this conclusion... but some days later one means again to have found the ulitmate root..and so on and so on..it's like to pull the wool over one's own eyes

yes,i seem to find answers,and sometimes i think they are correct but i forget them only to find them again later. and other times i think i've found an answer,but then later on i realize it isn't one.

also,sometimes i know what can be done to help myself,but find myself unable to push myself to do that,if that makes sense.

for instance,i've been going to see a therapist for the last few weeks,and i've told her that i'm bored with everything most of the time,and how can i get an interest back or is it just me age? and she says it's because of the depression,and she implies that the only answer is a drug.

i wish it was easier to find a spiritual counselor.one can find one if one is a member of a church,but i can't in good conscience pretend to practice a religion i can't believe in.

it is a paradox that i want to believe in god so that i will have help with my life,like my sisters do. and yet,just like i don't like to 'use' friends,i don't want to 'use' god. which has left me without friends or god,it seems,because i have an ethical value not to 'use' them for my own gain...on the other hand,i think everyone does everything ultimately for their own personal gain of some sort.even when you do kind things for others it is to feel good about yourself. in that sense,i don't think it's a bad thing.
i think mark twain wrote an essay about that,but i can't remember the name of it!

i have the same issues with using others...or i hate it when i feel used.

half a year ago someone said to me: if you are bored come to visit me...that was nearly a shock for me that someone can accept such a motive for a visite....i thought then about that and came to the conclusion that it is naturally and that all do this....and in my pre-depression times i did this without any remorse..it was like, alone i am bored,let's be together and have some pleasure...

but when i do such visits now, i feel in a way dishonest...what do you think..can this not be
a form of self punishment caused by inhuman ideals

once i have read, tha a man who did hiking in the mountains had to turn back before he could arrive on the top of the mountain, and the decision to break of the hiking trip was intelligent cause the weather changed rapidly and it would have been very dangerous to continue the tour...but at the moment he turned he was falling into depression and was plagued by condemning thoughts

i have read that in a book as an example for the depressive character

to come back to use each other...i think it's probably a symptom of the depression to refuse that beahvior....but what i did recognize sometimes, that i use other in other ways, for example, i recogniszed one day that i had some feelings of satisfaction if i could paralyze someones mood with my depressiv mood, in other words, that i had my pleasure tu cut someones energy, to spoil the party...

now..i am living alone since nine years and i have no occasions to do that...and at work a can't allow me that behavior to be a sadistic brake block

i remeber my situation five years ago, as i was working in a psychiatirc clinic and had no energy for nothing at all, and then i took zoloft, i wanted zoloft because it was a new antidepressant then and i loved that it was expensive....
and really things changed....i went then regularly playing tennis with one patient and had great pleasure and i dated a female coworker and had great pleasure and i moved in a new house and tried to get a new job i have never done before, but i didn't have sucess...

i stopped then taking zoloft, cause i didn't want to end as someone who takes every day until he dies this fucking antidepressants..i took zoloft about 2 1/2 years
zoloft has given me in a way more confidence in myself....

but if you are enjoying a sunset and are awed by it, ( oh..you really feel awed..wonderful) in that moment your life is not purposeless in the sense of meaningless isn't it? In that moment the question of purpose or meaning is absent, in that moment is only that awe...

these are the moments of self-forgetfulness...paradise... lightness

i can't follow exactly what you have written further. ....do i understand right that the uglyness of people and things is too overwhelming you and exhausting you...i think a sunset will not exhausting you..right?
do you feel paralized by the brutality of our society( and perhaps sometimes by your own brutality) and then a purpose helps you not facing these facts..do i understand you right?

do you mean the main-root of your depression is that you have to shut down your sensitivity?

or what is it with that: you are afraid to act in accordance to your sensitivity cause it could bring you misery, not inwardly but outwardly..you defy your sensitivity...

the sensitivity gives me inward pain that i feel i cannot bear.
empathy with all the suffering around me...

a why for di

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