bluegreen17 | just an update

i'm still paddling my little boat.

i came home tonight and thought of little things where i got a 'break' here and there. i mean,it almost seems to me that God is trying to help me in little ways,but not in bigger ways. and it almost seems like that's the best that God can do,which is a weird way to think about God. if we have free will,then i guess God,even though powerful,is not going to go against our choices. HOWEVER,i often pray that my day will go God's way and not mine,and sometimes the way my days go you gotta wonder about what God has in mind. i don't understand how God operates,of course. i wonder if somehow i'm deficient and am not able to receive better or more blessings,if that makes any sense! i often wonder what i am doing wrong,though i know being negative doesn't help,but sometimes i feel totally powerless next to my depression or feelings or whatever. i do my best to be positive whenever i can,but it just never seems to be enough!

ah,well...like i said,it seems like God is trying to help me in little ways...i just wish He'd see fit to do a bit more! greedy,arent i?

but anyway,i got to work and the situation there is quite discouraging,even though i got some help today. but it's going to take a lot more. and i want to take the fourth off,and i feel guilty about that,but i've had a rough couple of weeks and i don't think it's my fault that things are so far behind.

one of the gals at work was great about being empathetic today too. it's funny,because she's very chatty...one of those folks that never stops talking,it seems,which can be annoying. i work with a few people like that yet they are pretty nice people overall,so it's tough to be too annoyed about it. but today she was very good at listening,which i appreciated,because i felt like crap when i first got to work and was faced with another lousy situation.

and then i came home and had seven notes from kind folks who took the time to write and send good vibrations/prayers. and those really do help,so i thank you very much!

i have a lousy headache but i'm hoping it's one of those that will disappear after getting some sleep. i can't take any painkillers but tylenol (and narcotics...i have a bottle of something from when i had an extremely painful sinus infection...i was in agony and couldn't sleep for days before i got to the dr...) because of my stomach,and tylenol doesn't help me with headaches generally. and i won't take the strong stuff unless i'm in really bad pain plus i have to be at home and not at work and/or driving!
luckily,i have a certain amount of tolerance for physical pain,even if i have very little for the emotional stuff.

so,now i will do my dishes,get the mail and...again,brush and floss.

thanks very much again!