bluegreen17 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
bluegreen17) wrote2002-07-27 09:27 pm
bluegreen17) wrote2002-07-27 09:27 pm
junkie,alchoholic or ?
i dont' know what to call myself.
i'm desperate for something to take away or block the way i feel so much of the time. that's what junkies and alcoholics do with their substances.
if i did either alcohol or heroin,i'd be in really bad shape. because i'm only different in what i use. i'm fortunate in what i use. and maybe they feel worse than i do,so they need something stronger. not much use in comparing though.
right now it would be easy to just spend my time watching movies,eating,sleeping,and occasionally reading and writing on the net. what i really want is more human connection,but that's too difficult for me to seek right now and it's a crapshoot anyway. besides which,ultimately, happiness and peace of mind can not be leeched off of others. yeah,you can do it in the short term,but if you do it too long,the little bits of happiness evaporate. that's what happens in most relationships,in my opinion.
for a long time,i've realized i have to become my own parent. because like many folks,there was something missing from my parenting...and that's because of my parents' parents and on and on...in my own case,i think a lot has to do with not getting the kind of love from one's mother that one gets if your mother isn't depressed herself. there are physiological reasons for this which make a lot of sense to me. (if you're interested,this theory is in gabor mate's book -scattered-. it's the best book on a.d.d. i've found so far,and not only does it have theory but it has practical advice on raising children who've developed a.d.d. as well as self-parenting techniques for adults with a.d.d.)
my only hope is to finish my own parenting. i could think of it as breaking the cycle,but since i have no children of my own (and i think it's a wonderful thing for many reasons) the cycle breaks when i die anyway. so i guess i'm just going to finish parenting myself if i can so i don't have to be as miserable the rest of my life as i have been so far. just for me,if i can do it.
monday i am going to see a psychotherapist to be evaluated for a.d.d. in truth,i just want to get some dexedrine or other stimulant medication as soon as possible. i've been eating chocolate to feel better because even though i have stomach problems,i wasn't feeling that much better from avoiding chocolate (it supposedly weakens the valve that keeps acid out of the esophagus) so i started eating it again and in the last week i've had a few hours of feeling good here and there. however,after a week of this,today i was very nauseated after lunch and i called in sick and didn't go to work.not only that,but i was very depressed when i got out of bed this morning. so i think the chocolate,though giving me a few hours of feeling okay,may actually be making me more depressed (the crash) and sick to my stomach. and yet i can hardly stand this constant depression all the time...it's hard enough to push myself to do the everyday things,but i actually have extra pressures i didn't have a year ago...
my mother is home with me almost all the time,and is very emotionally needy (yeah,i need to parent myself and she acts like i have to be her parent,and i don't want children...this week she was afraid to take a new medication because the list of possible side effects scared her. the medication was very similar to what she had taken before and very similar to what i take for my stomach,so i tried to convince her not to worry,but she wouldn't take it. so i had to call the doctor (she has speech problems and it's hard for her to speak on the phone) and reassure her about it,which was just one more thing i needed to get done. it wasn't that hard,and yet it is very frustrating.)
i also am using savings to live on even though i work full-time (though i've been out one day out of five many weeks due to depression mostly,but i usually use my stomach as an excuse) because i don't earn enough to pay the rent and everything else i need. when mom developed the neurological problems with her speech,she stopped working and she hardly gets any money from ss so she pays the utilities (about $150 month) and i've been paying all of the rent ($675 month) which is hard because i just managed when we split everything. i will run out of money soon and i can't see myself working a second job since i can barely get myself to work four or five days a week lately due to depression.
i hope i can get myself on some medication soon,as well as some counseling,though i'm not sure how i'm going to pay for it. i buy insurance through work,but you still have to pay part of things.
i'm desperate for something to take away or block the way i feel so much of the time. that's what junkies and alcoholics do with their substances.
if i did either alcohol or heroin,i'd be in really bad shape. because i'm only different in what i use. i'm fortunate in what i use. and maybe they feel worse than i do,so they need something stronger. not much use in comparing though.
right now it would be easy to just spend my time watching movies,eating,sleeping,and occasionally reading and writing on the net. what i really want is more human connection,but that's too difficult for me to seek right now and it's a crapshoot anyway. besides which,ultimately, happiness and peace of mind can not be leeched off of others. yeah,you can do it in the short term,but if you do it too long,the little bits of happiness evaporate. that's what happens in most relationships,in my opinion.
for a long time,i've realized i have to become my own parent. because like many folks,there was something missing from my parenting...and that's because of my parents' parents and on and on...in my own case,i think a lot has to do with not getting the kind of love from one's mother that one gets if your mother isn't depressed herself. there are physiological reasons for this which make a lot of sense to me. (if you're interested,this theory is in gabor mate's book -scattered-. it's the best book on a.d.d. i've found so far,and not only does it have theory but it has practical advice on raising children who've developed a.d.d. as well as self-parenting techniques for adults with a.d.d.)
my only hope is to finish my own parenting. i could think of it as breaking the cycle,but since i have no children of my own (and i think it's a wonderful thing for many reasons) the cycle breaks when i die anyway. so i guess i'm just going to finish parenting myself if i can so i don't have to be as miserable the rest of my life as i have been so far. just for me,if i can do it.
monday i am going to see a psychotherapist to be evaluated for a.d.d. in truth,i just want to get some dexedrine or other stimulant medication as soon as possible. i've been eating chocolate to feel better because even though i have stomach problems,i wasn't feeling that much better from avoiding chocolate (it supposedly weakens the valve that keeps acid out of the esophagus) so i started eating it again and in the last week i've had a few hours of feeling good here and there. however,after a week of this,today i was very nauseated after lunch and i called in sick and didn't go to work.not only that,but i was very depressed when i got out of bed this morning. so i think the chocolate,though giving me a few hours of feeling okay,may actually be making me more depressed (the crash) and sick to my stomach. and yet i can hardly stand this constant depression all the time...it's hard enough to push myself to do the everyday things,but i actually have extra pressures i didn't have a year ago...
my mother is home with me almost all the time,and is very emotionally needy (yeah,i need to parent myself and she acts like i have to be her parent,and i don't want children...this week she was afraid to take a new medication because the list of possible side effects scared her. the medication was very similar to what she had taken before and very similar to what i take for my stomach,so i tried to convince her not to worry,but she wouldn't take it. so i had to call the doctor (she has speech problems and it's hard for her to speak on the phone) and reassure her about it,which was just one more thing i needed to get done. it wasn't that hard,and yet it is very frustrating.)
i also am using savings to live on even though i work full-time (though i've been out one day out of five many weeks due to depression mostly,but i usually use my stomach as an excuse) because i don't earn enough to pay the rent and everything else i need. when mom developed the neurological problems with her speech,she stopped working and she hardly gets any money from ss so she pays the utilities (about $150 month) and i've been paying all of the rent ($675 month) which is hard because i just managed when we split everything. i will run out of money soon and i can't see myself working a second job since i can barely get myself to work four or five days a week lately due to depression.
i hope i can get myself on some medication soon,as well as some counseling,though i'm not sure how i'm going to pay for it. i buy insurance through work,but you still have to pay part of things.
no subject
no subject
i dont' think it's a wonderful post because i'm always whining about the same things...but thanks for thinking it's good anyway!
it does help to know that some people 'hear' me. thanks,di
no subject
The VERY FIRST THING you should do (I'll explain why later if you want when I have more time, it's about neurochemistry) is get on a GOOD B-Complex (with all the little miniB's) every single day (take it with food; dinnertime is very good). Do this as soon as possible, it will help you get a better idea of what neurotransmitters you might be low on if that's what's going on.
After spending five years on Ritalin and doing a lot of research, I've developed an extremely low opinion of the drugs our society is giving us to "normalize" us. I'd need to learn a lot more about your situation to get an idea of a non-drug alternative, but I HIGHLY suggest you consider things like diet adjustment and supplementation as well as the traditional drugged stupor solution. A Rx might do a lot to get you stabilized in the short term, so I'm not entirely down on them, just on longterm use.
Anyway, I have to run, but, seriously, B-Complex. The essence of why is that B-complex gives you the building blocks you need for key neurotransmitters, and is interestingly enough almost always very low in those suffering from ADD/depression/schizophrenia/manic depression/a host of other things.
There's also a product called SAMe (you can google it) that (among many other things) helps you recycle your neurotransmitters better. It's painfully expensive currently, but even taken once or twice a week it can make a major difference.
I'm not some hippie freak, I'm someone with rather severe ADD that's spent the past 8 months testing methods other than traditional medication to cope with my ADD without squelching any of the gifts it carries. More when this busy weekend is over, remind me!
no subject
actually,people have been trying to push antidepressants on me for years...my intuition tells me it's stimulants i need and the depression is a result of the a.d.d.,as counseling for depression never helped much.i never have taken antidepressants.
i just started taking a b complex '50' which i guess is not the highest but still pretty high. i took them a few times last week,definitely at mealtime,because i think b's can upset your stomach. but it's hard because my stomach is so often in bad shape,i skipped them on the worst stomach days.
i'll check into samE,but finances are bad right now.
wanting medication is a last resort for me.i'm also hoping it to be a short term solution,to get things done i need to do. i hate drugs!
thanks again for sharing info from your expertise from experience.
di