bluegreen17 | major rant warning

major rant warning

holy ----!
just shoot me,why dont' ya?
i just waited three weeks to see a therapist to assess me for a.d.d. so i can get some medication to get my life on track (not to mention survive). i thought it was good news that she said my regular doctor could prescribe medication (after all,they can prescribe antidepressants,whose long term effects are unknown). but as it turns out,they don't like to prescribe ritalin or dexedrine for adults...supposedly adults are less predictable in their reactions to those medications than kids...(yeah,and people's reactions to antidepressants are okay? a friend of mine's brother committed suicide on prozac,and it's not the only time that has happened with prozac. so sure it's okay to risk suicide,but you don't want to risk me getting ADDICTED to amphetamines,so they are a controlled substance. something seems screwy here.)

however,the doctor finally said if i got some documentation from the therapist (which there isn't any of,since she didn't assess me,unless her opinion counts as assessment,which i kind of doubt) then she would prescribe freaking' TIME RELEASED RITALIN only because it has fewer side effects.

for years,i've avoided caffeine for several hours before bedtime,because it keeps me awake. hello? time released stimulants? no,i need stimulants to take during the day,when i need to focus. so the only thing they can offer is something that will give me insomnia,which WILL not help me get through my days and accomplish all the damned things i hate to do that i need to accomplish.

and to find a psychiatrist that is in my damned insurance's network? ha..and then to get in to see them...how many more weeks before i get help? as it is,i'm too depressed to make it through five days of work,and i desperately need the money. and staying home is depressing because my mother is always here,and having time alone makes me feel better,but i almost never get that.

if i go to a psychiatrist outside of the network,i will have to pay another one hundred dollar deductible and then they only cover 80% i think.

and i've been berated (by some,not all....some folks are more sensitive and more supportive) because i talk about suicide a lot. well,sometimes it feels like it would be easier than dealing with major problems and just the regular daily crap of everyday life.

i feel cursed. i KNOW that i haven't done anything to deserve this life that i'm currently living. there's really very little good in it,so i just have to endure it.

is it any wonder i'm either mad at god for not caring? or doubting he/she exists?

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

(deleted comment)

thanks a lot for your note. i really appreciate your support. take care yourself.

Hello. I am here to reply to your post that you posted in chronic_health. I usually only comment to 'friends' only' protected posts for privacy reasons, so I hope it is okay I came to your journal to reply.

I felt the need to say I was quite moved by your post above and wanted to tell you what helped me. I do not know your medical history and all that but I just wanted you know there are others out here that know how you feel or have had similar situations.

I found great relief on Paxil. It helped my concentration and overall well being. Before Paxil I couldn't read a book because I couldn't sit still and concentrate long enough. BYW - I am 50 years old. I don't know if you have tried Paxil - and I know that any doctor should be able to prescribe this for you.

I am so sorry you are having trouble with the docs in your network - I have no faith in docs myself and they seem to have gotten less and less compassionate over the years.

Let us know how things are going - or I will check back in with your journal to see if you found someone to get you a prescription. Wishing you the best.

LJ
Cherie

thanks for your note. i'll keep what you said in mind.i'm not as comfortable with the newer antidepressants as i am with the idea of taking the stimulants that they've used for a longer time.it seems more in line with what i need. however,what you said is good to know if they really give me a hard time about getting it...because the doctor had no hesitation about prescribing zoloft for my mother,though i don't know if they prefer that to paxil. i'm surprised that paxil helps with focusing. i supposed it probably depends on the individual.thanks.

I just wanted to let you know that I'm rooting for you. Call your shrink and find out what an assessment would involve. That's what I would do, anyway. :) Good luck! Let us know what happens!

thanks a lot for your note! i appreciate it! had a decent day at work and will hope that therapist returns my call tomorrow.

They actually do prescribe antidepressants for ADD, like Prozac and Wellbutrin. For what it's worth, a former psychiatrist told me that the Scientologists had spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on a smear campaign against Prozac. They are against any kind of psychiatric medication. They sent "therapists" (actually working for the Scientologists) on talk shows to say that Prozac causes suicide and violent behavior. From what I understand, the link between Prozac and these is weak at best.I don't know what happened to your friend; sometimes when someone starts an antidepressant they are still depressed enough to commit suicide and the antidepressant gives them just enough energy to do it; that's why people who are suicidal and just starting on antidepressants must be watched carefully.

Can you get an assessment for ADD? Maybe the time-released Ritalin would not be that bad. Did you ask the doctor if it would wear off before bedtime? I take (am going to re-start) time-released Wellbutrin, but I take it twice a day, in the morning and at bedtime. I think this is because by bedtime it has gone out of my system and I need to take a second one to keep the level in my blood even.

One thought, just a thought- is it possible that it is depression that is causing your lack of motivation and ability to focus? Those can be symptoms of depression, and if you are thinking about suicide it sounds like you are depressed.

I don't mean to sound preachy or anything. Just throwing ideas out there for you. :)

hey,thanks for your thoughts.
i kind of did flip out over this,but i've gotten a few notes and talked to a few people,and i think the time-released one may actually be good for me,maybe it doesn't affect sleeping.
i put a call in to the therapist i saw earlier this week,but she hasn't called me back. grrr...because i want to get some medication soon,and she needs to fax info to the dr's office or they won't prescribe for me.

well,i've had counseling for depressant and it didn't help. i think i'm depressed because i've been dealing with the frustration of a.d.d. for years and didn't know it. feeling lazy,stupid and crazy for 44 years can make one depressed. my intuition tells me this is the problem. i've done reading and talked to two therapists and it seems to fit.i also know i feel good when i have coffee,but i can't drink it because i have stomach problems. i love how focused my brain is when i have coffee. i can get things done.
thanks again for your thoughts. i hope you're feeling better yourself. at least i had a pretty good day at work.

and i've been berated (by some,not all....some folks are more sensitive and more supportive) because i talk about suicide a lot. well,sometimes it feels like it would be easier than dealing with major problems and just the regular daily crap of everyday life.

i feel cursed. i KNOW that i haven't done anything to deserve this life that i'm currently living. there's really very little good in it,so i just have to endure it.

is it any wonder i'm either mad at god for not caring? or doubting he/she exists?

You do not know me and I am really new to using LJ, but I do have a background in psychology. Abnormal psychology in general is a particular interest to me. From your descriptions, I would not see ADD, even its adult form; I would see depression. Apathy or low emotional arousal, feeling disheartened or hopeless, and suicidal ideation are all aspects of depression. How have you been sleeping? Any changes in your diet?

For some reason, many people are experiencing mild-to-severe levels of depression, myself included. I suspect that the epidemic is related to the whole aftermath of 9/11 and how bad the economy has been lately.

Seeking counseling is a very good first step and talking to your doctor about how you've been feeling is fantastic. I can tell you from an insider's perspective that counselors can only help so much. They cannot, in most locations around the US, prescribe meds for you and their "diagnoses" are only relevant to the insurance provider, honestly. Doctors can be marginal in handling any form of mental illness, since psychiatrists are basically medical doctors who decided on the mind as a focus for themselves. I hope that you have been luck with finding treatment than many others I know.

thanks for your note. i dont' really expect all that much from the counseling,but i rarely have anyone to talk to in person,so it will help just to have someone listen for a few weeks. i also hope she may have some tips on living with an a.d.d. brain.

i've been studying psychology on my own for years,as well as trying to help my condition on my own mostly for years. i don't deny that i'm depressed,but i think it's caused by years (i'm 44) of frustration and lack of motivation which results in low self esteem which can surely make one depressed. i am also rarely apathetic...i'm very responsive to my environment and i've seen people who are depressed and they are just 'flat'...i'm not like that.i am angry a lot of the time,and my depression is when i try to protect other people from my rage and hold it all in. at least that's my best assessment of myself. the suicidal ideas is an accumulation of years of frustration and not getting anywhere and from isolation from my family who doesn't understand me and who's way of coping is retreating emotionally from me,which is the exact opposite of what i need. i'm in a loop.i plan on taking meds so i can focus,have some mental clarity,try to set up my life to live with the way i am better and to learn new coping strategies while i'm taking it.
anyway,thanks for your thoughts!

i generally sleep well and sometimes too much (ten hours) although maybe that is just normal for me.i eat too much sugar trying to boost my moods and my appetite is good. my energy levels are also good.and definitely not low emotional arousal...but of course you didn't have all that info to paint the picture!

september 11th,strangely,did not really affect me depression wise,because i was already there. i was saddened and horrified of course,but since i am usually at a level of depression,being depressed feels 'normal' to me...which doesn't mean i'm not sick and tired of feeling this way,in a manner of speaking.
slightly before 9/11 i developed some stomach problems and on that morning i was so ill BEFORE i even heard that news that i sometimes wonder if i was attuned to what was going on in some psychic sensitive way.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

major rant warning

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject