bluegreen17 | 'i believe in peace,bitch' or the ballad of the suv that tried to run me down

i called in sick to work today,because i woke up in the middle of the night thinking i was having a heart attack,and i didn't fall back to sleep until about 7 a.m.

but that's another story that i might bore you with later.

*switching gears*

when i was growing up,an easily frustrated and often angry child,i would wake up in the morning and resolve to be 'good'. it took a lot of effort. i don't remember very many times i got through the entire day without doing something that was unpleasant for others and myself,like getting angry,having a temper tantrum or whining. (at least i didn't beat up my sisters or anything intentionally malicious.)

while my parents weren't and aren't perfect,at least i wasnt told i was a bad person. i 'misbehaved' a lot but at least they didn't totally give up on my entire being. i distinctly remember my mother saying that i was often 'naughty' but i had a good heart. i think i do too* so i have cherished the memory of her saying that.

to this day i try to be good. i aspire to be peaceful,calm and loving. the latter being the most important. i dont' know if it's getting harder and harder to do or if i'm just failing more and more,or a combination of both,but it's something like that.

yesterday i was driving to work and i had someone tailgate for a long part of the drive. i remained calm,or so i thought. finally,this vehicle turned a different way,and as i turned a corner another vehicle was hurtling towards my backside. this set me off. i got so angry,i rather abruptly pull off the road to let the a**hole go by. the place where i pulled off was not exactly a very smooth part of the shoulder and i scared myself with my abrupt and extremely angry reaction. my poor car. totally unfair to seablue,though of course i was just trying to protect the both of us.

today i was walking in the parking lot of the supermarket. apparently i was where a woman driving an suv wanted to go and the fact that i was occupying that space at that particular moment wasnt' going to stop her. i yelled at her (EXCUSE ME! EXCUSE ME! followed by JESUS! as i leaped out of her way)
even though her windows were rolled up,it being a hot day where one would be inclined to use a/c. she ignored me and looked straight ahead,which would have been where my left leg would have been if i hadn't moved out of her way. i feel so bad for slowing her down by a few milliseconds by my very presence. i wish there'd been a cop around to give her sorry ass some kind of ticket. isn't it illegal to hit pedestrians?

much of the time i hate people and i wish i didn't. but i'm still not giving up on trying to add a little love in the world when i can somehow manage to.

~~~~~~~
*i think ultimately,under tons and tons of grimy layers in some cases,everyone has a good heart. it's a buddhist viewpoint that i totally agree with.

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I occasionally get to that volcano erupting stage too. Less as the years go by. A while ago I began driving much less competatively. It involved relaxing my whole body and slowing down. I also began pitying drivers who are so driven that they ride my bumper. "Poor thing, must be all wound up to be so rude. Here let me move over so you can go on. Carefull, these curves are nasty!" Most of the time it works... And I find that I am learning to enjoy the drive and the sights rather than be so focused on "getting there".

As for people who try to run over me in the parking lot. Grrr. I like to slap their car hard with my hand. Makes lots of noise and alerts them that they should watch where they are going.

the challenge i run into is that lots of times there is no place to pull over to let them by,so i have to endure,and i end up losing my temper. i generally pull over and let people by as often as possible.
it especially annoys me because i generally drive about 5 miles over the speed limit if someone is behind me. if no one's around,i enjoy driving at the speed limit or a little less...especially at night on the back roads.i prefer not to run over wildlife or pets if i can help it,and driving slower makes that more possible.

ah,well. i hope i learn to teleport soon!

They have to get cracking on the development of a Transporter pertty soon! One of those nifty devices where you stand on the mark and go all shimmery before you disapear and get put back together again on the other end!

i identify almost frighteningly (is that a word?) with your childhood wish to be good. that particular *need* has haunted me my whole life. i spent a couple of decades (!) coiled up in self-loathing because i knew i wasn't good the way i wanted to be. every judgmental or unkind thought in my head was proof of my evil nature. it was a kind of hell, ongoing.

you know what? i still have unkind and judgmental thoughts, and i get royally pissed at jerks in suvs and tailgaters, and so on. but i know very well, at long last, that i'm not evil. i really don't wish suffering on those people, aside from maybe as you say a ticket. or a good smack upside the head. evil is when we work to hurt others. good is when we don't act on those thoughts we have.

ok, i'll shut up, since i'm not sure where i'm headed with this. your post stirred up lots of emotion in me and i had to sound off!

evil is when we work to hurt others. good is when we don't act on those thoughts we have.

wow. i love the way you put that. inspiration! and it sounds like a definition i read recently in my books about the hawaiian huna philosophy.

i so often appreciate your thoughts on spiritual and other matters. and i think i found you because i liked the fact that you named yourself after an actress in marx brothers movies. but of course i'm sure God thinks the marx brothers are funny too!

i once had a crush on harpo. unfortunately,i later found out he had died in 1963 or so...and i watched a bunch of their movies on late night tv one summer in 1977 i think,which is when i discovered them for myself.

would you mind if i posted this quote in my journal?

oh, of course you can post it! i'm very flattered, thank you so much. (i'm relieved to know i made sense. [g])

i loved harpo too, when i was a little girl. you are certainly right -- God loves the marx brothers. can you see them doing schtick in heaven? :D

Whew! What a day you had! I however, do not agree that "good" is "not acting on those thoughts we have"...mostly because, sometimes it's very important to be ok with right and wrong, and to speak out against wrong. What that lady in the suv did was not only against the law, it was arrogant, spiritually criminal, and she got away with it. I would have followed her to her car, and when she stepped out, I would have asked her if she realized that her impatience almost caused me physical harm. Yes,I would have been fairly polite, but very intense, and because I know that people don't like to be confronted when caught doing something nasty, you can bet that she would end up a little shaken, especially as I took down her liscense #. I consider this to be a good thing, the willingness to communicate the truth that ends up with someone being made aware that there are consequenses. This may not be a perfect example, but I heartily believe that it's better to speak out when people cross the line, or maybe they think they will get away with the behavior, and the next person they damage won't be so quick to get out of the way.!!!
I don't think it's evil to get angry when your wellbeing is threatened!!! She deserved alot more than a talking-to!
Anger is sometimes right and good. It lets you know your sense of direction...when we have goals that are threatened...anger is the high-voltage energy that allows us to power through obstacles. The only time anger is "bad" is when it becomes self-destructive or you turn it against your goals instead of the obstacle to your goal. I'm not talking about the out-of-control hostile fighting matches people get into either. But good, healthy anger. Why do we think nature so wrong to wire us that way? LOL...heeheeWorked up.

I think I'm more patient these days, but many times you couldn't tell by my actions. Tailgaters and other bad drivers still piss me off lots of the time. People that park in fire lanes for the sake of their convenience piss me off. Or park in handicapped spaces when they shouldn't. Other times I seem to be in some patient zenlike trance and nobody can irritate me, no matter how badly they drive. I wish that I could acheive this state more often, but perhaps I'm not mature enough yet. I don't know.

Trying to be good...I can relate. Love the way you express yourself.

i would think i'd get more patient as i got older,but i seem to be getting more angry.maybe it's the aggravation of dealing with inconsiderate people (well,people who dont' put things back where they were after reading or looking at them,and pile them in a messy pile...i think that's rude,but maybe they dont' see it that way) five days a week at work.

i keep thinking that this is supposed to help me learn patience,but after five years,it makes me just as angry,if not more so.

i don't have zenlike moments very often.

but one day last winter an suv (yes,another one!) backed into me in the parking lot at work and left a tailpipe shaped hole in my front bumper...well,actually a 'sliver moon shaped hole'. i was so unbelievably angry i'm suprised i didnt have a stroke or heart attack. the woman was nice but she said 'i have a hard time driving this suv' or 'it's hard to see backing up with this suv' to which my unspoken reply was 'then DON'T DRIVE ONE!'

my point is,i expended so much energy in anger over this incident,that i felt peacefully calm the rest of the day. that's not a very good way to achieve peace of mind though!

'i believe in peace,bitch' or the ballad of the suv that tried to run me down

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o quotable one...

Re: o quotable one...

Grrrrrrr! Bam!! POw!

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i <3 suvs.