bluegreen17 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
bluegreen17) wrote2003-09-01 08:18 pm
bluegreen17) wrote2003-09-01 08:18 pm
day 2 of anhedonia and loneliness
somehow,i think the two are connected.
i'm probably lonely because i don't love anybody enough. no,it's not really that i don't love. it's that i don't LIKE. that's a bit different. or maybe i'm just confused. not unlikely.
i don't like anybody enough to squeeze them into my schedule. or other people don't like me enough to squeeze me into their schedule. or,really,there isn't much mutual liking going on in my life,and there hasn't been in a long long time.
when loneliness hits,it hits me like a brick. it's always there,i suppose. i try not to whine as much as i used to,and i've improved in that department at least. (trust me on this.)
i've gotten sucked into the whirlpool of the groupmind,which isn't a very healthy mind. in this groupmind,the one that i'm in closest proximity to,men are failures if they aren't financially successful,and women are failures if they are not socially successful,so i'm a failure,because i don't have any friends to hang around with on a regular basis,never mind that i'm a failure at finding a significant other. the latter has been for a long time.i think i peaked early in the romance department. i had sweet boyfriends in junior high and high school,then a couple of okay ones later on and then...pffffttt... and i did well in the friend department in general over the years,until fairly recently. i don't like this downhill trend. and i guess if i keep thinking of it as failure,it will probably not help.
i guess i need to come up with a new cosmic dream,but my skills of imagination seem to be going downhill too,and it's imagination that is needed.
or maybe i'm just having a bad couple of days. sigh.
i just wanna be adored by someone whom i adore. and i'm annoying myself by this whining.
one positive thing i can say. this morning i didn't have to get out of bed for any particular reason,which is very rare indeed. and it was quite heavenly because the neighborhood was pretty quiet this morning,probably due to it being a holiday. so it was very very nice to just stay in bed late and really relax. what a nice luxury that was.
i'm probably lonely because i don't love anybody enough. no,it's not really that i don't love. it's that i don't LIKE. that's a bit different. or maybe i'm just confused. not unlikely.
i don't like anybody enough to squeeze them into my schedule. or other people don't like me enough to squeeze me into their schedule. or,really,there isn't much mutual liking going on in my life,and there hasn't been in a long long time.
when loneliness hits,it hits me like a brick. it's always there,i suppose. i try not to whine as much as i used to,and i've improved in that department at least. (trust me on this.)
i've gotten sucked into the whirlpool of the groupmind,which isn't a very healthy mind. in this groupmind,the one that i'm in closest proximity to,men are failures if they aren't financially successful,and women are failures if they are not socially successful,so i'm a failure,because i don't have any friends to hang around with on a regular basis,never mind that i'm a failure at finding a significant other. the latter has been for a long time.i think i peaked early in the romance department. i had sweet boyfriends in junior high and high school,then a couple of okay ones later on and then...pffffttt... and i did well in the friend department in general over the years,until fairly recently. i don't like this downhill trend. and i guess if i keep thinking of it as failure,it will probably not help.
i guess i need to come up with a new cosmic dream,but my skills of imagination seem to be going downhill too,and it's imagination that is needed.
or maybe i'm just having a bad couple of days. sigh.
i just wanna be adored by someone whom i adore. and i'm annoying myself by this whining.
one positive thing i can say. this morning i didn't have to get out of bed for any particular reason,which is very rare indeed. and it was quite heavenly because the neighborhood was pretty quiet this morning,probably due to it being a holiday. so it was very very nice to just stay in bed late and really relax. what a nice luxury that was.