wings

[bluegreen17]

this morning i had a horrible episode of depression and self-loathing. i try to get out of bed between 10:30 and 11 but today i didn't get up until 12:30 and ended up being two hours late for work. i guess i should give myself credit for at least going to work at all. in truth,it was not work alone that was depressing me this morning...it was so many things...loneliness,feeling like i will never find friends to hang around with,feeling like i don't have the right to expect to have friends when i can't stand myself when i'm depressed. how can i inflict my awful self on others? i'm not intentionally miserable,but i just am often enough.

i wrote a post on antipsychiatry about it,because all the depression communities are basically medication discussions and i just don't want to get into that. i don't think it's the answer. i was on medication that helped me for five months. but it still did not help me enough to figure out how i'm going to survive or give me the energy or motivation to get a second job,so it did not really help me to improve my life. and then it stopped working anyway.

today,i am amazed that i was just surrounded by unexpected kindness,both from friends at work and from strangers. sometimes even a smile or an acknowledgement from someone you don't know can give you quite a boost.
i can thank my word buddies when i see them,but i can't really thank those strangers,because i may or may not see them again. but in a weird way,i want to say thank you to them by writing this here. thank you for acknowledging that i exist,and that i matter.

three of my friends at work said they were going to kidnap me for my birthday and take me down to boston for a semi-wild time (two of three of them are older than me). now,my birthday isn't until next june,and the thought might be forgotten by then,but i was touched at the thoughtfulness of such a 'plot'. and hey,if it really happens,it would be great to have a fun time for my birthday. that hasn't happened in a long,long time. not to denigrate sharing my birthday with my family,but i'm talking about really DOING something.(to be fair,though,i've kind of hinted to family that i didn't want to do much of anything the last couple of years.)

then i came home and i got some comments from some kind people on the antipsychiatry community,which i appreciated.

in reading my friends list,jayteeone mentioned a little old cranky lady that he liked who sadly,recently died,and it helped me to realize that sometimes even cranky people can be loved,and that helped too.

and i got an unexpected snail mail note in the mail today from a friend i used to work for whom i don't see very often,but we still think of each other. that was very thoughtful of her.

so often people disappoint me,but sometimes,when you least expect it,flocks of angels rush in where you'd think they would have feared to tread. thanks for showing up!

and i'm afraid sometimes i take my lj angel friends for granted,because they show up a lot,and i've gotten a lot of support here. so thanks a lot to all of YOU.

Comments

[quiet-life.livejournal.com]

hi- I'm not one of those angels; merely surfing about friends of friends list late this night. However, I being quite a buttinsky can indeed confirm that cranky people are also loved- I am one! Of course that modest group of sweet people don't love me becauseI'm cranky, but it sure makes me feel guilty ;)


glad your day ended up much brighter than it began ....carry on :)

[jayteeone.livejournal.com]

*HUGS* God uses everything to His purpose, even cranky old lonely women who pass away. If I get the chance I'll post the picture of her at a much happier time in her life standing as a young woman in Rockefellar Center.

[bayliss.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I'm always here. and i do it because i care about you not cause I need thanks. *hugs* your a blessing really you are.

I'm glad your day ended positively though.

[sophy.livejournal.com]

I love me some cranky people, sometimes just cuz of their other qualities, and sometimes really for their crankiness. Come on, when you really need to let out some venting, who is the best person to go? That's right! The crankiest person you know! You know they won't try and cheer you up or give you asinine advice or make the best of things - they will commiserate!! And that's the best thing in the world.
Thaty being said, I don't think you're cranky all the time at all. You bring lots of sunshine into my friend's pages and comments, and therefore into my life.
So you've got a good balance of the crank and sunshine, and that's uber cool. :)

[laverick.livejournal.com]

((hugs)) it's so wonderful when the great people in your life suprise you and show you how much you mean to them and are there to lift you up!

[(Anonymous)]

i've had that same feeling of being boosted by strangers or people i know from the net. it really does make a difference in my whole day sometimes.the kindness of strangers. today i got soemthing in the mail from a friend that meant so much to me. helped to adjust my outlook on a rather dreary day mood wise. :o) and if you are cranky then you are loved because i consider you a very dear friend.
patti

[hellokittyfreak.livejournal.com]

I know what you mean, I tend to take my internet friends for granted as well. For me it's a comfort to take them for granted though. I mean, I have family who are here for me, but they're not always "there for me." You know what I mean? While my net friends are always there for me, it's a given, it's a fact I can rely on, it's nice. I thank them from time to time, but when a friend is there for you when you need them most there's really no thanks needed, they're just doing what friends do. I take my net friends for granted because I know I can, and it's a great comfort to me.
We all need someone in our lives we can take for granted. Thank you for being one of those people for me ((((((((Diane)))))))). I hope you know how thankful I am, and I hope I'm one of the people you feel thankful for.

[bluegreen17]

you're one of those people who makes me feel like it's okay to be myself! so,yes,i'm thankful for you.