bluegreen17 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
bluegreen17) wrote2003-10-04 01:43 pm
bluegreen17) wrote2003-10-04 01:43 pm
musings on autism,asperger's and myself
here and there i've read up a little on autism and asperger's syndrome.it's frustrating because there are things that seem to set me apart from 'normal' that are considered part of that spectrum,and there are other things about it that i definitely don't relate to. one more case of me not 'fitting in' anywhere,or so i often feel!
when things become disordered without my choice or at least consent,i get profoundly disturbed. it causes me great anxiety. i like order and routine in the basic everyday things,and yet i get bored intellectually quite often. it's hard to satisfy both 'needs'.
right now i'm upset because my screens are sitting outside in the rain and are not on my windows. i live on the second floor,so i'm waiting for the painters to replace my screens,but seeing as it's saturday,that probably won't be until at least monday. and i wonder if i'll have to call the property management people again just to get what should have been done,done. meanwhile,my screens are sitting out in the rain. one is leaning against some bunch of meters or something. i wonder if that's wise or if it makes no difference. i wonder and am sensitive about so many things.
the other mass disorder in my universe that is disturbing me is that my workspace was torn apart last night to set up for a going-away party for my boss,and i'm doubting it will get put back the way that i usually have it set up for best efficiency at my job. and it's hard to put it back together while there are customers around in the way,so if it is not done correctly,i will have to struggle to get it done with a rainy saturday crowd of people. my anxiety is compounded by the fact that i am going on vacation after today,and i want to leave things in good order. it's to my employer's advantage that i am so conscienscious and like things neat. it means i do a good job,and they don't have to nag me. but i have to nag them to get the help i need to get it done,so i end up being the unpleasant,unlikable one.
oh,the other thing about autism/asperger's i wanted to mention. in general,other than being tempermental and having to nag my bosses to get help,is that for the most part,i'm a pretty friendly person,even though i'm shy. i do have a good sense of how to deal with people...in fact,i amazed one co-worker this week in how i dealt wit a particularly annoying customer.i knew this guy's unconscious strategy and somehow knew how to deal with him so he didn't flip out. in general,i'm pretty good about keeping people from flipping out. that is not an asperger's trait.
i have a friend,though,who seems to be oblivious to social cues and tends to blurt things out. i like that about her...she has no hidden agenda. however,sometimes her feelings get hurt because people don't always react well to this,so sometimes she asks me what i think,and i just give her what insight i might have. i wouldn't want her to change other than not letting herself be bothered by other people's reactions. i think her straightforwardness is refreshing,though it is probably helpful that she is a kind,sensitive person as well.
i do have a few good traits. but mostly lately i've felt like a basket case. i'm wondering if my months on wellbutrin have actually made me MORE depressed now than i was before...a dependency type thing...i've been having a really bad time with depression...some very very bad lows lately,which is upsetting because winter hasn't even started yet,and generally that's my toughest time. which increases anxiety,which increases depression,which makes me eat more sugar,which makes me more depressed...and caught in a whirlpool and alternately hoping i'll drown and trying not to.
and i keep telling myself i should just shut up!
when things become disordered without my choice or at least consent,i get profoundly disturbed. it causes me great anxiety. i like order and routine in the basic everyday things,and yet i get bored intellectually quite often. it's hard to satisfy both 'needs'.
right now i'm upset because my screens are sitting outside in the rain and are not on my windows. i live on the second floor,so i'm waiting for the painters to replace my screens,but seeing as it's saturday,that probably won't be until at least monday. and i wonder if i'll have to call the property management people again just to get what should have been done,done. meanwhile,my screens are sitting out in the rain. one is leaning against some bunch of meters or something. i wonder if that's wise or if it makes no difference. i wonder and am sensitive about so many things.
the other mass disorder in my universe that is disturbing me is that my workspace was torn apart last night to set up for a going-away party for my boss,and i'm doubting it will get put back the way that i usually have it set up for best efficiency at my job. and it's hard to put it back together while there are customers around in the way,so if it is not done correctly,i will have to struggle to get it done with a rainy saturday crowd of people. my anxiety is compounded by the fact that i am going on vacation after today,and i want to leave things in good order. it's to my employer's advantage that i am so conscienscious and like things neat. it means i do a good job,and they don't have to nag me. but i have to nag them to get the help i need to get it done,so i end up being the unpleasant,unlikable one.
oh,the other thing about autism/asperger's i wanted to mention. in general,other than being tempermental and having to nag my bosses to get help,is that for the most part,i'm a pretty friendly person,even though i'm shy. i do have a good sense of how to deal with people...in fact,i amazed one co-worker this week in how i dealt wit a particularly annoying customer.i knew this guy's unconscious strategy and somehow knew how to deal with him so he didn't flip out. in general,i'm pretty good about keeping people from flipping out. that is not an asperger's trait.
i have a friend,though,who seems to be oblivious to social cues and tends to blurt things out. i like that about her...she has no hidden agenda. however,sometimes her feelings get hurt because people don't always react well to this,so sometimes she asks me what i think,and i just give her what insight i might have. i wouldn't want her to change other than not letting herself be bothered by other people's reactions. i think her straightforwardness is refreshing,though it is probably helpful that she is a kind,sensitive person as well.
i do have a few good traits. but mostly lately i've felt like a basket case. i'm wondering if my months on wellbutrin have actually made me MORE depressed now than i was before...a dependency type thing...i've been having a really bad time with depression...some very very bad lows lately,which is upsetting because winter hasn't even started yet,and generally that's my toughest time. which increases anxiety,which increases depression,which makes me eat more sugar,which makes me more depressed...and caught in a whirlpool and alternately hoping i'll drown and trying not to.
and i keep telling myself i should just shut up!
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insead of candy for the sugar,try carrot sticks or fruit. It isn't as bad and you won't feel guilty for eating it. *smiles and Hugs love* things will get better it jsut takes time.
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i eat carrots and fruit every day pretty much,but i can't see them substituting for the kind of sugar i want. i'll keep looking for solutions,probably.
thanks a lot for your warm fuzzy support!
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when things become disordered without my choice or at least consent,i get profoundly disturbed. it causes me great anxiety. i like order and routine in the basic everyday things
That's definately something I go through with the ocd. I get so stressed out about changes to my environment that I'm not in control of. Having any kind of worker come into or even around my home is traumatic for me.
And as I said, the screens thing would so upset me. I'd be obsessing about all sorts of things that could go wrong and wanting it to be fixed immediately, etc.
And the workspace? That would totally send me into panic mode. People touching and rearranging my things?!?! Ack!
So anyway, my two main points to this comment are:
1 - I understand and can relate.
2 - It could very well be the OCD and not something more like aspbergers.