(no subject)

[bluegreen17]

Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.
-Albert Camus

that's for sure. or i would change it to 'merely to get through the day'.

i felt quite low this morning. this is my last day of vacation and i'm down for several reasons.

i didn't get much accomplished during my vacation,nor did i have much fun. (but i did have some fun...thank you sara and rachel for coming to visit!)

tomorrow i have to go back to encountering rudeness on my 40 minute drive to work,and then cleaning up after people at work and dealing with people,some of whom are co-workers,and some of whom are customers...that annoy the hell out of me. not to mention the stress of trying to do a good job with limited resources. all adding to my anxiety,which adds to my already-substantial depression.

my mother is getting worse and worse,naturally,since she has a progressive terminal disease (als aka lou gehrig's disease). i wish she would just die peacefully in her sleep soon. it's terrible seeing her degenerate.she can't talk,she can barely eat and she's getting weaker and weaker.

i'm already pretty depressed,and we haven't even gotten into the christmas season at work,winter and its anxiety-producing weather is on the horizon and just going through my mother's death. i don't want to go back on the wellbutrin because i think my present depression has been caused by the rebound effect of having been on it. plus,i have very little money. oh,yeah,the other thing...my savings that keeps me going in addition to my job will be running out soon...i was thinking maybe around march,but needing new tires and the possibility of dental work,i may run out around christmas. and i work full-time! which in itself is harder and harder to do because i'm depressed. sometimes i'm late for work so i dont' get in forty hours and therefore lose even more money.

wow,arent i cheery? i'm waiting to hear back from a new therapist,but i have circumstantial problems in addition to my depression,and i really don't see how anyone can help me out of this rut. i need divine intervention,but it seems the divine forces are quite content to just let me drown here.

Comments

"normal" is a statistical anomaly.

[gev.livejournal.com]

those that try to be normal are only fooling themselves.

<hugs>

Re: "normal" is a statistical anomaly.

[bluegreen17]

actually,i wished he'd used a different word,or perhaps it was in the translation. i can relate to the quote because it takes so much of my energy to do things that it at least appears to take much less for most other people. i need to get a second job to make ends meet,but i can't see me having the energy for that. because i need lots of downtime to recharge and i don't get enough as it is. i've asked other people how they do it. i just dont' understand it.

i definitely don't want to be 'normal' if that's the same as average,considering i don't like most of homo sapiens. i just want to be able to live more,accomplish more,and be able to continue to survive,which i often feels looks impossible to continue. at any rate,i won't continue to survive much longer like this,so something has to change,and i'd prefer it not to be another piece of bad luck to add to my collection. oy!

i'm such a sad sack but i don't like being a fake and i have a disinclination to just shut up!

[southernyank.livejournal.com]

Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.

Wow! That's fantastic. I can't tell you how many times I've uttered words nearly the same. It's so true. I count myself among those tremendous energy expenders.

Sorry you're so down lately, but it sure looks like you've got plenty to be down about. For lack of a better word, it's "normal" under your circumstances. I'm praying for some "divine intervention" on your behalf.

[bluegreen17]

thank you. is that your goatee? goatees are fab.

[southernyank.livejournal.com]

Yup, that's me.

[sophy.livejournal.com]

sending good thoughts your way

[dahliablue.livejournal.com]

*Huge hugs*

[gerry.livejournal.com]

that's a very good quote...think it can explain some depression of some people..

i have read you have still again problenms with your stomach....i would like to start a second marathon with energy sessions for you....condition: i would need a photo of you.
cycle: three initial sessions in a week, if you dont have any signs of change after them end the marathon...you want?

[bluegreen17]

i'm not really wanting to send a photo,and i've not had much luck with having healing energy sent to me in regards to my stomach problems,but thanks for the offer anyway.

[gerry.livejournal.com]

ok...i would have loved to try with you once again