bluegreen17 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
bluegreen17) wrote2003-10-30 12:38 pm
bluegreen17) wrote2003-10-30 12:38 pm
stoned,and not in a good way
oy. i'm not doing that great. feeling like sisyphus,rolling that rock up the hill every day and i wake up every morning and it's at the bottom again.
i was too depressed to go to work yesterday. but i had hoped anyway i might cheer myself up by cleaning my apartment at least a bit,but i was too depressed to do that. so i wasted a day at home not to mention i lost about $60 because i have no sick time. so i don't feel better today,but i forced myself out of bed and will be off to work in a while. i will probably be stressed at work which will make me feel worse,but not as bad as i would if i had nothing but the more tedious chores to do and i got bored and then i tend to be even more depressed. i will probably feel a bit better IF i am able to get some work done. circumstances aren't helpful for me in general most of the time. too much anxiety and i feel depressed,and too much boredom and lack of anything i like to distract me,and it's even worse. i feel like i'm totally f**ked because i'm so defective.
and i think most antidepressants are evil. i will probably go back to taking wellbutrin though. it might work again for a while because it's mild stimulant. i was disappointed that it stopped working after i had taken it for five months,because at least it made me more resilient,more normal,and more able to cope with stuff. but i developed a tolerance for it,and you can't take a very high dose of it,because it can cause seizures. as it is,i went up a little on it under my doctor's supervision,and i ended up with hand tremors but it didn't help my depression any more after that. oh,well. i've been off of it for about two months and been quite depressed (dreading winter and my future...mother dying,worrying about dad...and not having anything at all to look forward to doesn't help i'm sure) so maybe it will work if i start taking it again. i don't have the money to pay for it though. and i don't think it helps me enough to be able to work a second job,so you see where i feel like i'm screwed. well,at least i have a therapy appt. on monday,though i don't know how someone hopeless like me can be helped!
i have no choice. i have to keep living in this prison until it's my time to die or a miracle happens,and i have little faith in the latter. plus,i'm convinced god hates me.
i'll shut up now.
i was too depressed to go to work yesterday. but i had hoped anyway i might cheer myself up by cleaning my apartment at least a bit,but i was too depressed to do that. so i wasted a day at home not to mention i lost about $60 because i have no sick time. so i don't feel better today,but i forced myself out of bed and will be off to work in a while. i will probably be stressed at work which will make me feel worse,but not as bad as i would if i had nothing but the more tedious chores to do and i got bored and then i tend to be even more depressed. i will probably feel a bit better IF i am able to get some work done. circumstances aren't helpful for me in general most of the time. too much anxiety and i feel depressed,and too much boredom and lack of anything i like to distract me,and it's even worse. i feel like i'm totally f**ked because i'm so defective.
and i think most antidepressants are evil. i will probably go back to taking wellbutrin though. it might work again for a while because it's mild stimulant. i was disappointed that it stopped working after i had taken it for five months,because at least it made me more resilient,more normal,and more able to cope with stuff. but i developed a tolerance for it,and you can't take a very high dose of it,because it can cause seizures. as it is,i went up a little on it under my doctor's supervision,and i ended up with hand tremors but it didn't help my depression any more after that. oh,well. i've been off of it for about two months and been quite depressed (dreading winter and my future...mother dying,worrying about dad...and not having anything at all to look forward to doesn't help i'm sure) so maybe it will work if i start taking it again. i don't have the money to pay for it though. and i don't think it helps me enough to be able to work a second job,so you see where i feel like i'm screwed. well,at least i have a therapy appt. on monday,though i don't know how someone hopeless like me can be helped!
i have no choice. i have to keep living in this prison until it's my time to die or a miracle happens,and i have little faith in the latter. plus,i'm convinced god hates me.
i'll shut up now.
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Oh, how familiar the feeling. I have had a half-work day along those lines. Same shit, different year.
I send you determined well wishes.
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(Anonymous) 2003-10-30 04:47 pm (UTC)(link)patti
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dunno, but i care
(Anonymous) 2003-11-10 05:47 pm (UTC)(link)Thrust the candle
to the dark of your disease
Burn the fishplate
execute ill memories
Labyrinth of sympathy
in which I'm lost and can't leave
And too much truth
overshadows the lime lies
And what lies beneath the clouds is an Altered perception
and I'll pay for sanity
But sanity don't come cheap
You don't know the truth and I love your life
You don't know the truth, and I love your life
Flinch against the fire
but this ain't winter
And I'm
all by myself
the way I wanna be
Where I'm content to be
to be all by myself
But frozen eyes are bound to melt