a failed experiment facing my demons

[bluegreen17]

i decided to try an experiment today,since i didn't have any appointments or social engagements (like having lunch with dad or visiting mom in the nursing home...which,granted,i should have done but i've been too depressed to go more than once a month).

i thought i would just stay in bed with my usual depressing morning thoughts and face my demons. i thought when you face your demons,they are supposed to go away,or vanish,or whatever. silly me. maybe it only works for yogis. instead of disappearing or leaving,my demons hung around and invited all their friends and relatives. by 2 p.m. i had decided that i am doomed to be DEPENDENT on wellbutrin or something so i won't feel horrible most of the time,and that when/if...more likely,when,considering the economy and my various health problems...i am without a job,i will simply not be able to afford psychiatric meds or the one for my stomach,and will not only be without a job,but will also be very ill everytime i eat and be severely depressed. that's why i've been trying to wean myself off of these two drugs.

the wellbutrin made me feel 'normal' or at least resilient for about five months. i got depressed about things,but i bounced back much faster. i still didn't feel motivated to get a second job or move and/or get a roommate,though,one of which i need to do soon to keep surviving. after the five months,i was depressed quite a bit. i figured that i was back to my 'normal' depression. so in mid-august i stopped taking the wellbutrin figuring it didn't help me anymore.since then i've gotten more and more severely depressed. i figured that might happen...withdrawal...but it's been almost three months and i can't see how that can be withdrawal anymore. so i guess while being 'moderately' depressed while taking wellbutrin meant it was possibly helping me from being severely depressed even if it couldn't help me feel decent anymore.

this just sucks. i probably won't kill myself because of my spiritual beliefs...i just intuit that it's the wrong thing to do...and because of my family...but i sure don't want to keep living feeling like this.

i'm angry. i'm angry at god for either ignoring me,or as terry pratchett says,for not existing! i'm angry at god for letting so many people and creatures suffer without a good explanation. i don't know how much longer i can keep pushing myself to get out of bed every morning,to drive through the traffic and road construction every day and clean up after customers at work,to have almost no social life,to worry about my dad and other thing,to have no money and not know how i will continue to survive,to deal with ocd and anxiety and be too stressed and depressed to consider living with someone else when i have intense germ phobias and don't want to share a bathroom. to deal with the stresses of the holidays and winter. to sit here and be cold all day at home because i'm trying to keep the furnace from running too much because the propane bill will be very expensive.

how much more of this do i have to take? the last 'good year' i can remember having was 1989,for crying out loud. do i fucking deserve this life i'm living and the prospects of my old age being absolutely horrendous?

Comments

[laverick.livejournal.com]

I have some of that anger too. feeling like god no longer hears me. hating the fact that I am so reliant on medication to help me feel even halfway normal. I wish there was something I could say that could help comfort you--you aren't alone. I am here if you ever just want to chat. (((hugs)))

[bluegreen17]

thanks. i appreciate that.

Re: "deserve"

[bluegreen17]

i'm glad you have a little optimism on my behalf! i don't have an instant messenger but i thank you for your kind offer anyway.

[dahliablue.livejournal.com]

I definitely empathize. I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time. *huge hugs*
You're not alone.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_peregrinus_/]

I know you're not asking for other medication options, but I wanted to see if you've considered St. John's Wort. Since it's herbal and not a prescription, I don't know if it'd be a cheaper alternative since the money is part of your concern. A friend of mine swears by it. I took it for awhile and it did act as a stimulant (which counteracts some of the depression's symptoms). I have had my bouts with depression, too. But I think it comes on strong when other things in my life have worn me down (my job, loneliness, etc.), and in winter. I'd tried Zoloft, but the side effects were so much worse (meaning, more likely to get me fired) than the depression itself (I was falling asleep at work!) that I stopped.

Sorry, didn't intend to give my own commentary ... just wanted to know if you'd ever considered St. John's Wort.

I do feel for you, and am thinking of you. Though I can't say I know just how you feel, I've been in the vicinity. Depression is so depressing! (corny, I know, but oh so true.)

[bluegreen17]

yes,i did try that and it didn't really help,but thanks for mentioning it!

[(Anonymous)]

it does suck to need drugs. i know that. my son is taking 300mg of thorazine just to stay normal. it would knock me out for days. at one time he took 18 pills a day, so this is better. but i digress. the reason i tell you this is because he had no way to afford the medicine and i had no way to help him. they were hundreds of dollars a month. i helped him apply for pharmacy assistance from our state. it's based on your living expenses and the money you make. maybe your state has something like that? it might be worth looking into only because if you do need medicine now and it's expensive, it could save you so much and you could do some of the other things you need. of course my fondest hope is that someday soon you won't need medicine. i on the other hand, would like to drug myself to death sometimes! :o/
love, ~pk

[(Anonymous)]

you don't deserve any of this hardship! i wish i knew the answers. just take baby steps di. hang on the best that you can.
i know you don't like the phone (i'm not big on it myself!)but if you ever feel the need to talk, to lean on my shoulder, to rant!, email me your number and i'll call you!
~pk