bluegreen17 | chained to drugs

i'm going another step downhill. it appears i'm now dependent on a drug to keep me from thinking of being dead most of the time. i called the doctor's office today to have the nurse call me back so she can talk to the nurse practioner to call in a prescription for wellbutrin for me. being moderately depressed is better than being severely depressed. i don't want to try any of the other antidepressants,because they make you gain weight. i already have,and that's bad for acid reflux. i was going to try a natural thing called relora but i emailed the company to ask about drug/herb interactions and they just told me to talk to my doctor. my doctor is not going to know anything about it,so thanks a lot.

at the end of william styron's darkness visible,which is a good book to help a depressed person know they are not alone,he strikes a hopeful note at the end in saying that depression doesn't last forever. well,maybe his didn't last,but mine is getting worse and worse over the years,and has gotten worse while i'm ON an antidepressant. i don't know where i'm going to get the money to pay for the wellbutrin,and if i'm dependent on it and don't have insurance in the future,how the hell will i pay for it? i won't. i'll just be in really bad shape,because i think overall having taken it in the first place may have made me worse.

i just don't have much trust in my decisions,but if i keep feeling like this,i'm not going to be able to keep going to work,and if i can't keep going to work,i won't be able to pay my rent...in fact,i'm heading in the wrong direction...financially,i need to work more,not less. but i don't see how i could find the energy to work more.

i'm still angry.
and i am soooo screwed.

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I didn't find welbutrin addictive for me. I used it a few times after a job loss and haven't used it since. It was just there when I was really needing some help coping.

tried cylexa? I was on it for a few months because zoloft had me gaining weight. She said this wouldnt. I didnt the few months I was on it but you never know..took me six months to finally notice I got fat on zoloft...yikes.

wellbutrin made me mean, or so says my husband. As much as I liked the idea of not gaining weight on it my husband couldnt take me starring as the devil.

when the wellbutrin worked for me before,it made me less anxious (even though it's a stimulant and can make some people more anxious) and i was able to stay out of a depressed rut,even when things upset me. i was able to bounce back. on the other hand,i've been a bit snappish with some people lately because i feel so awful,and if this stuff works again,i'll be nicer. it's amazing how different people are. what helps you with your s.a.d.?

well last year i was on cylexa a few months and this year i took it for a few days which helped. Ive lowered my carbs which surprisingly has helped a whole lot...its wierd..or maybe its just the carryover from the cylexa..anyways im already feeling better, if not hungrier lol

i'm here. i'm reading. i'm thinking of you. wishing i could do something. if there's anything at all that i can do...you have to let me know ok? i would rather do something than just feel helpless as i watch my friend lose hope. *hug*
~pk

*warm, empathetic hugs*

Depression is something that can be conquered. Not every single time for every single person, it's true. But it is always a possibility, as far as I am concerned.
For me, it's like I'm a recovering addict in a way. I live with the possibility of the depression coming back all of the time, I fall off the wagon sometimes and let myself slip back into it, I fight it off a lot during the dark times of the year; but it isn't something that controls my life the way it once did. I see myself more as a survivor of depression than a sufferer these days.
I don't know if that helps you or not.
I know how scary and frustrating it can be to watch an illness, any illness whether it be physical or mental, get worse. How aggrivating and terrifying it is to feel as though it's beyond your control to do anything about. Somehow, we have to grab on to whatever faith and hope we can still get our hands on and hold on for dear life. For the times when life really is dear. Because it can be. And it's worth it for that.

thanks for reminding me that you are a depression survivor. that helps a lot to know there is still hope.

You are in my thoughts and prayers. I do understand how medications like the one you are taking can cause weight gain, and also... the inability to not want to work... because they make you tired, and less active. I took Paxil for a couple months... and had to give it up.. because all I literally wanted to do and did was sleep. Day and night. Finding the "right' medicine is key. You should not have to worry about getting the medication you need... I would hope that there would be some sort of insurance program that is afforadable or even free for someone in need. I hope you have success in "finding" other options for your health care. xxx

I just wanted to say...well, I don't know. Something like "Hang in there" but, well, it falls a bit flat.

I hope the new prescription works. :)

Wellbutrin rocks. I don't know what they put in that stuff, but as far as antidepressants and quit-smoking drugs go, that one is number one in my book. Hell, I wasn't even depressed and it cheered me up. Go figure.

Oh God damn you sound like me.

I just hope you get better. Severe depression is not a good thing. I hope you get the Wellbutrin soon.

It sounds really serious to me that you feel like you have to depend on it to stay alive. That's some serious shit, man. That's some serious, serious shit. And yet we all feel like we've heard it before. WTF? This is as important as anything else. Your health is not an option. People dieing inside is not a normal fucking thing. I hate being around zombies all the time. People who can't reach out and touch you. Life is too short not to be touched, and if you're not touched, you might as well leave.

I hate LJ and the insensitive people in it. Some people just give false impressions. But maybe I'm just a tad dramatic.

I value you. Your health is important to me because we all have bodies. Not caring about others to stay on top is deceptive. We're in a long link here, and especially in these LJ slums.

i can't sleep. thinking of you. how are you holding up?
~pk

chained to drugs

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