bluegreen17 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
bluegreen17) wrote2003-11-17 08:07 pm
bluegreen17) wrote2003-11-17 08:07 pm
(no subject)
i feel like i'm always rushing. or resisting rushing,which is just as nerve-wracking in addition to being a hit to one's self-esteem...resisting results in lower productivity,and i feel like i never get enough done anyway.
if i lived in a world where it was considered productive and useful to read books and magazines,read and write online,listen intently to music,and watch the occasional movie,i would be an extraordinary success in life. alas,i don't know where that world is,or i'd go there if i could.
so anyhow,i started on wellbutrin today,after having been on it for almost a year and then off of it for the last three months. i hate being dependent on a pill so i don't feel like being dead much of the time. but now i'm repeating myself. i have to take a pill so i can keep forcing myself to work,just so i can stay alive so that i can...what exactly?
i wonder if i'll ever have something to look forward to again?
i'm a bit disappointed because i had a therapy appointment today and just one hour every two weeks doesn't seem like enough time to talk about all the things that are bothering me and try to figure out solutions. and i'm not going back for a month because the therapist takes the week after thanksgiving off,and that's the only monday i have free. next week i need to go visit my mother and the week after when my usual appt. would be i have to go to the doctor's. if these things didn't exhaust me and/or i didn't want to sleep so much,i could probably squeeze in an appointment earlier than one month,but i doubt i'll feel good enough to do that.
as it is,i feel exhausted from my two days 'off'. yesterday my work meeting sucked up four hours of one of my days off.
do you think it would be a good idea to put something in my bio to warn people that i often use my journal to write about how miserable i am so at least for the time i'm writing it,i don't have to FEEL the misery? or maybe i write this stuff because it's a way to seek attention.
strangely,though,i can get 'attention' i.e. comments on my entries when i'm not whining,so perhaps that's not why i do it?
on a better note,last night i went to the video store and nothing new really appealed to me,so i decided to get star trek: nemesis because i've liked trek for years and thought i'd enjoy it. well,in the beginning it barely kept my interest...i browsed through a couple of magazines which i decided to bring to the library for the magazine swap,and i read a bit in the power of kabbalah by yehuda berg,which i'm reading for the second time and enjoying as well. [i'm wondering why yehuda berg has a bad reputation...this is the only book that has really helped me understand kabbalah.]
anyway,though,once i got into the movie,i really enjoyed it,and was reminded of why i love star trek so much...philosophical and psychological issues explored,and great characters.
even though i knew what was going to happen at the end,from reading reviews,i ended up crying anyway. it was very well done.
today i thought i'd look for a star trek novel to read. i like reading them because i know the characters and the world of star trek. to my surprise,the library really didn't have very many. oh,well.i borrowed a collection of hardy's short stories and arundhati roy's the god of small things and mary crow dog's lakota woman instead.
well,i've got to go do my last load of laundry now. big fun.
*sigh*
oh,yeah,i went to the dollar store today to buy a couple of packages of christmas cards and a goofy sled/santa to hang on my apt. door. i like it because it's glittery. and i got a red metal tin canister that i couldn't resist. and a pair of socks and package of razors,if you really want to know.
: )
if i lived in a world where it was considered productive and useful to read books and magazines,read and write online,listen intently to music,and watch the occasional movie,i would be an extraordinary success in life. alas,i don't know where that world is,or i'd go there if i could.
so anyhow,i started on wellbutrin today,after having been on it for almost a year and then off of it for the last three months. i hate being dependent on a pill so i don't feel like being dead much of the time. but now i'm repeating myself. i have to take a pill so i can keep forcing myself to work,just so i can stay alive so that i can...what exactly?
i wonder if i'll ever have something to look forward to again?
i'm a bit disappointed because i had a therapy appointment today and just one hour every two weeks doesn't seem like enough time to talk about all the things that are bothering me and try to figure out solutions. and i'm not going back for a month because the therapist takes the week after thanksgiving off,and that's the only monday i have free. next week i need to go visit my mother and the week after when my usual appt. would be i have to go to the doctor's. if these things didn't exhaust me and/or i didn't want to sleep so much,i could probably squeeze in an appointment earlier than one month,but i doubt i'll feel good enough to do that.
as it is,i feel exhausted from my two days 'off'. yesterday my work meeting sucked up four hours of one of my days off.
do you think it would be a good idea to put something in my bio to warn people that i often use my journal to write about how miserable i am so at least for the time i'm writing it,i don't have to FEEL the misery? or maybe i write this stuff because it's a way to seek attention.
strangely,though,i can get 'attention' i.e. comments on my entries when i'm not whining,so perhaps that's not why i do it?
on a better note,last night i went to the video store and nothing new really appealed to me,so i decided to get star trek: nemesis because i've liked trek for years and thought i'd enjoy it. well,in the beginning it barely kept my interest...i browsed through a couple of magazines which i decided to bring to the library for the magazine swap,and i read a bit in the power of kabbalah by yehuda berg,which i'm reading for the second time and enjoying as well. [i'm wondering why yehuda berg has a bad reputation...this is the only book that has really helped me understand kabbalah.]
anyway,though,once i got into the movie,i really enjoyed it,and was reminded of why i love star trek so much...philosophical and psychological issues explored,and great characters.
even though i knew what was going to happen at the end,from reading reviews,i ended up crying anyway. it was very well done.
today i thought i'd look for a star trek novel to read. i like reading them because i know the characters and the world of star trek. to my surprise,the library really didn't have very many. oh,well.i borrowed a collection of hardy's short stories and arundhati roy's the god of small things and mary crow dog's lakota woman instead.
well,i've got to go do my last load of laundry now. big fun.
*sigh*
oh,yeah,i went to the dollar store today to buy a couple of packages of christmas cards and a goofy sled/santa to hang on my apt. door. i like it because it's glittery. and i got a red metal tin canister that i couldn't resist. and a pair of socks and package of razors,if you really want to know.
: )