bluegreen17 | (no subject)

i feel like i'm always rushing. or resisting rushing,which is just as nerve-wracking in addition to being a hit to one's self-esteem...resisting results in lower productivity,and i feel like i never get enough done anyway.

if i lived in a world where it was considered productive and useful to read books and magazines,read and write online,listen intently to music,and watch the occasional movie,i would be an extraordinary success in life. alas,i don't know where that world is,or i'd go there if i could.

so anyhow,i started on wellbutrin today,after having been on it for almost a year and then off of it for the last three months. i hate being dependent on a pill so i don't feel like being dead much of the time. but now i'm repeating myself. i have to take a pill so i can keep forcing myself to work,just so i can stay alive so that i can...what exactly?
i wonder if i'll ever have something to look forward to again?

i'm a bit disappointed because i had a therapy appointment today and just one hour every two weeks doesn't seem like enough time to talk about all the things that are bothering me and try to figure out solutions. and i'm not going back for a month because the therapist takes the week after thanksgiving off,and that's the only monday i have free. next week i need to go visit my mother and the week after when my usual appt. would be i have to go to the doctor's. if these things didn't exhaust me and/or i didn't want to sleep so much,i could probably squeeze in an appointment earlier than one month,but i doubt i'll feel good enough to do that.

as it is,i feel exhausted from my two days 'off'. yesterday my work meeting sucked up four hours of one of my days off.

do you think it would be a good idea to put something in my bio to warn people that i often use my journal to write about how miserable i am so at least for the time i'm writing it,i don't have to FEEL the misery? or maybe i write this stuff because it's a way to seek attention.

strangely,though,i can get 'attention' i.e. comments on my entries when i'm not whining,so perhaps that's not why i do it?

on a better note,last night i went to the video store and nothing new really appealed to me,so i decided to get star trek: nemesis because i've liked trek for years and thought i'd enjoy it. well,in the beginning it barely kept my interest...i browsed through a couple of magazines which i decided to bring to the library for the magazine swap,and i read a bit in the power of kabbalah by yehuda berg,which i'm reading for the second time and enjoying as well. [i'm wondering why yehuda berg has a bad reputation...this is the only book that has really helped me understand kabbalah.]

anyway,though,once i got into the movie,i really enjoyed it,and was reminded of why i love star trek so much...philosophical and psychological issues explored,and great characters.

even though i knew what was going to happen at the end,from reading reviews,i ended up crying anyway. it was very well done.

today i thought i'd look for a star trek novel to read. i like reading them because i know the characters and the world of star trek. to my surprise,the library really didn't have very many. oh,well.i borrowed a collection of hardy's short stories and arundhati roy's the god of small things and mary crow dog's lakota woman instead.

well,i've got to go do my last load of laundry now. big fun.
*sigh*

oh,yeah,i went to the dollar store today to buy a couple of packages of christmas cards and a goofy sled/santa to hang on my apt. door. i like it because it's glittery. and i got a red metal tin canister that i couldn't resist. and a pair of socks and package of razors,if you really want to know.
: )

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I started up on my meds again a couple of days ago. When I wasn't on them, I was actively cutting myself and thinking suicidal thoughts. I hope Wellbutrin really works out for you in more ways than one, you know? So what if a person has to take drugs to be happy? Other people have to keep busy to be happy. Other people have to have *things* to be happy. Maybe you should examine where that myth/need is coming from. I believe it is a largely society-substaintiated one. Hey, look at a middle-aged woman with a husband, a family, and a nice car. She's *happy*, but look at all the shit, all the addictions she has. People depend on things. People depend on others. If it's not a status in a neighbour/society by way of owning your own house, owning a person who loves you, owning actually human beings who have to depend on you (big ego boost there), then you depend on Wellbutrin. Either way, it's all the same.

The Dollar Store is a way of life. I don't know how it is in America, but in Canada, it almost becomes sleazy. But hey, you know, people depend on *things*, like a few toothbrushes for a loonie. ;)

God... I was going to give you a list of books I'm interested in, but amazon.com is taking too fucking long to get into.

Anyway, I'm rooting for you.

i really appreciate you giving me a different perspective on being dependent on drugs! hadn't looked at it that way. like everyone else,i need to figure out how to connect to the true happiness inside...i'm not religious,but i do believe the 'kingdom is within'.

aw,i'd love to see what books you're interested in,so if amazon will behave later...let me know!

oh,and thanks for rooting for me!

if i lived in a world where it was considered productive and useful to read books and magazines,read and write online,listen intently to music,and watch the occasional movie

Rachel said this very thing to me the other day! Almost verbatim. *sigh* me too.

ha. that's a riot.

if i lived in a world where it was considered productive and useful to read books and magazines,read and write online,listen intently to music,and watch the occasional movie,i would be an extraordinary success in life.

amen, sister. I need to find that place somehow.

and I love Nemesis, even though it makes me sad. I cried quite a bit. I sort of "grew up" with Data, since I started watching TNG when I was...hmm...8 or so? the show started in '88 or '89, I think, and I was with it from the beginning. seeing the death of a character I've watched for so long was rather traumatic.

i felt that at some point,data gained a soul. or people realized he had one. who's to say only carbon units have 'em anyway? there could be a soul in everything...we're just not aware of it. i kind of operate on that principle...i appreciate my car big-time for getting me places!

anyway,data was always one of my favorites.i thought the way he died was beautiful on his part,if that makes sense.

I think that Data evolved as much as he could--it's hard for me to put into words (because I've tried before). I mean, his sacrifice--the ultimate sacrifice of your own life, the most you can give--made him too human stay in this world. a machine who could never be physically human suddenly realized he could perform the most human act possible, and lay down his life for a friend.

it's like what Kirk says at Spock's funeral. "of all the souls I've met, his was the most human." I find it interesting that the most human characters on those shows were never human at all--Data was just one step beyond Spock. the Vulcans were a race who denied their emotions, and Data was a race of one who couldn't have true emotions even if he wanted to--he needed a computer chip.

obviously I've thought about this way too much. :)

i think it's a great thing to think about.

i remember kirk saying '...his was the most (choked-up pause,wasn't it?)...human.' i cried buckets over that as well. and hey,how could i not fall apart hearing scotty play 'amazing grace'? i love the world of star trek.

yup, you've got it exactly right. just when you think you've made it through the actual death scene...then the funeral is worse, if anything. I still can't hear "amazing grace" on the bagpipes without tearing up.

I'm such a Trekkie. :)

"i'm a bit disappointed because i had a therapy appointment today and just one hour every two weeks doesn't seem like enough time to talk about all the things that are bothering me and try to figure out solutions."

I can totally empathize with this. What was really bad for me was that one of my coping strategies for my anxiety is to be really funny. It's a defense mechanism and keeps me from being real and was one of the things I started going to therapy for.

Well goddamn if I didn't start therapy only to find myself using the same ploy with my therapist. Next thing you know, I'm going to an hour therapy and basically only getting a half hour therapy time out of it because my therapist enjoyed bullshitting with me so much.

Irony.

"do you think it would be a good idea to put something in my bio to warn people that i often use my journal to write about how miserable i am so at least for the time i'm writing it,i don't have to FEEL the misery? or maybe i write this stuff because it's a way to seek attention."

I wondered out loud in one of my more suicidal journal posts if I was just attention seeking. It really felt like that in a way.

I've come to believe though that it's not attention seeking but HELP seeking. Like maybe if I post how fucked up I am, someone will PLEASE be able to help me.

"today i thought i'd look for a star trek novel to read. i like reading them because i know the characters and the world of star trek."

Just stay away from stuff written by Peter David. He's mostly written the Star Trek: New Frontier stuff, so I doubt you'd run across him since you're looking to read about the characters you already know. But just in case there was the slightest chance you find yourself holding a tome written by Peter David, it's really in your best interest to just drop it and wash your hands. REALLY terrible character motivation and plot logic and REALLY annoying how you get hooked on a set of characters and have to suffer through his terrible writing just so you can find out what happens to people. (I read 13 books by David (by fooling myself into believing that since I could read one of his books in two days, that made it somehow less painful) before wising up and threatening to scrape off my eyes with a potato peeler if I ever found myself reading another book by him.)

sounds like peter david is the danielle steel of trek writers. now i'm going to have to peek to see how bad he is!

Wear gloves.

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Re: avoidant

almost verbatim

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