bluegreen17 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
bluegreen17) wrote2003-11-19 09:48 am
bluegreen17) wrote2003-11-19 09:48 am
(no subject)
day three on wellbutrin,though i won't be doing the full dose (twice a day) until tomorrow.
so far,my anxiety and obsessive compulsive stuff is worse,but i'm hoping like last time,it's just an adjustment.
right now i'm wondering how much longer i can keep pushing myself. i'm so stressed. i keep wanting to stay home and have some 'downtime' but i can't afford it. not only moneywise,but it seems like pulling teeth to make sure my department is covered when i'm not there,and to try to get the hours of help. i'm tired of fighting,and i can't do it all myself.
so often i feel like i'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown,but i can't afford it! i feel like the tiniest thing will make me crash. the sleeve of the shirt i am wearing brushed against an item of dirty laundry today and because of my ocd i'm going to feel dirty and anxious all day unless can forget about it. i'd change my shirt (that's how badly the ocd anxiety gets to me) but i don't have another good shirt to wear,so i just have to suffer the anxiety. this won't make sense to most people,because ocd is hard enough to understand when you have it. anyway,just having that happen made me want to cry. that's sick. i'm sick,but people dont' see it. i'm handicapped but i can't get the help i need because it's invisible.
maybe i'll feel better tomorrow. or maybe i won't.
what i think i need is to work part-time. and there's no way i can do that. i'm tempted to start buying lottery tickets,but that's pathetic. for my mental health,i need more quiet time and i need time to have and nurture friendships. i don't have that and can't have it the way things are now. for my financial health,i need to work MORE than full-time. i feel liked i'm being stretched on the rack. i've been looking for solutions to my dilemma for over a year and have come up with nothing viable. i just see myself on the road to ruin.
i'm know i'm a worthwhile person on one level but i feel incapable of wholly taking care of myself financially because i'm so depressed so much of the time. you know,if i was home more,maybe i'd at least turn my melancholy into some sort of art,and at least add to the world. or maybe i'd just write more sad entries like this. i don't know for sure and don't know if i'll ever find out.
people go through rough patches in their lives,but mine's been going on for a long long time and i dont' know if it'll ever end.
has anyone seen 'jacob's ladder'? sometimes i think i'm in that sort of 'life'.
thanks for listening.
so far,my anxiety and obsessive compulsive stuff is worse,but i'm hoping like last time,it's just an adjustment.
right now i'm wondering how much longer i can keep pushing myself. i'm so stressed. i keep wanting to stay home and have some 'downtime' but i can't afford it. not only moneywise,but it seems like pulling teeth to make sure my department is covered when i'm not there,and to try to get the hours of help. i'm tired of fighting,and i can't do it all myself.
so often i feel like i'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown,but i can't afford it! i feel like the tiniest thing will make me crash. the sleeve of the shirt i am wearing brushed against an item of dirty laundry today and because of my ocd i'm going to feel dirty and anxious all day unless can forget about it. i'd change my shirt (that's how badly the ocd anxiety gets to me) but i don't have another good shirt to wear,so i just have to suffer the anxiety. this won't make sense to most people,because ocd is hard enough to understand when you have it. anyway,just having that happen made me want to cry. that's sick. i'm sick,but people dont' see it. i'm handicapped but i can't get the help i need because it's invisible.
maybe i'll feel better tomorrow. or maybe i won't.
what i think i need is to work part-time. and there's no way i can do that. i'm tempted to start buying lottery tickets,but that's pathetic. for my mental health,i need more quiet time and i need time to have and nurture friendships. i don't have that and can't have it the way things are now. for my financial health,i need to work MORE than full-time. i feel liked i'm being stretched on the rack. i've been looking for solutions to my dilemma for over a year and have come up with nothing viable. i just see myself on the road to ruin.
i'm know i'm a worthwhile person on one level but i feel incapable of wholly taking care of myself financially because i'm so depressed so much of the time. you know,if i was home more,maybe i'd at least turn my melancholy into some sort of art,and at least add to the world. or maybe i'd just write more sad entries like this. i don't know for sure and don't know if i'll ever find out.
people go through rough patches in their lives,but mine's been going on for a long long time and i dont' know if it'll ever end.
has anyone seen 'jacob's ladder'? sometimes i think i'm in that sort of 'life'.
thanks for listening.