bluegreen17 | (no subject)

day three on wellbutrin,though i won't be doing the full dose (twice a day) until tomorrow.

so far,my anxiety and obsessive compulsive stuff is worse,but i'm hoping like last time,it's just an adjustment.

right now i'm wondering how much longer i can keep pushing myself. i'm so stressed. i keep wanting to stay home and have some 'downtime' but i can't afford it. not only moneywise,but it seems like pulling teeth to make sure my department is covered when i'm not there,and to try to get the hours of help. i'm tired of fighting,and i can't do it all myself.

so often i feel like i'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown,but i can't afford it! i feel like the tiniest thing will make me crash. the sleeve of the shirt i am wearing brushed against an item of dirty laundry today and because of my ocd i'm going to feel dirty and anxious all day unless can forget about it. i'd change my shirt (that's how badly the ocd anxiety gets to me) but i don't have another good shirt to wear,so i just have to suffer the anxiety. this won't make sense to most people,because ocd is hard enough to understand when you have it. anyway,just having that happen made me want to cry. that's sick. i'm sick,but people dont' see it. i'm handicapped but i can't get the help i need because it's invisible.

maybe i'll feel better tomorrow. or maybe i won't.

what i think i need is to work part-time. and there's no way i can do that. i'm tempted to start buying lottery tickets,but that's pathetic. for my mental health,i need more quiet time and i need time to have and nurture friendships. i don't have that and can't have it the way things are now. for my financial health,i need to work MORE than full-time. i feel liked i'm being stretched on the rack. i've been looking for solutions to my dilemma for over a year and have come up with nothing viable. i just see myself on the road to ruin.

i'm know i'm a worthwhile person on one level but i feel incapable of wholly taking care of myself financially because i'm so depressed so much of the time. you know,if i was home more,maybe i'd at least turn my melancholy into some sort of art,and at least add to the world. or maybe i'd just write more sad entries like this. i don't know for sure and don't know if i'll ever find out.

people go through rough patches in their lives,but mine's been going on for a long long time and i dont' know if it'll ever end.

has anyone seen 'jacob's ladder'? sometimes i think i'm in that sort of 'life'.

thanks for listening.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

well the end is good of movie jacob's ladder
and the end in some way illumines the days
before...and it is written in proverbs
the path of the righteous grows brighter
into perfect Day.

i saw jacob's ladder from a buddhist point of view. that the whole movie he was in the 'bardo',which i guess could be like purgatory. in fact,my life does feel like purgatory and i do wonder sometimes if i'm dead and having to suffer before i can get to heaven.

what did you think of that movie from a christian point of view? did you ever write a journal entry on it?

thanks for your thoughts!

I suppose you could put the bardo in
if you wanted to but I should think we
need not get involved in those kind of
conceptualization.
it is about death and the pulling together
of things before going on...it would
be sufficient for it to be all in the moment
of death of the character without bringing
in any preliminary metaphysics and
then of course he goes on...and on the
whole I think this was the idea of the film.

the story "leaf by niggle" by Tolkien
is very nice...
+Seraphim.

I don't have OCD, but I definitely have those days where it feels like if anything at all goes "wrong", like spilling a drink on my lap, I would burst into tears. I'm sorry so many of your days recently feel like this. (((hugs))) I'm sending you my good wishes and thoughts and praying the Wellbutrin begins to help.

*hug* hopefully once the medicine starts kicking in you'll feel less hopeless. try to keep at the forefront of your mind that you're probably extra anxious because you're not used to the medicine yet. i always talk myself thru PMS that way. :o) i try to tell myself that it won't seem near as horrible if i can push away the thoughts and worries until after it's over and usually by then i DO feel better inside my head too.
it has to be difficult to keep going and feeling like you have no cushion if you need to rest and recharge your batteries. we both need to win the lotto. :o) now i just have to remember to play! i used to run the lotto machine at the store i worked at and never won anything anyway. not even a free ticket! :oP
patti

I'm thinking of you. I know too well how life can feel like purgatory and you're just waiting for some relief. *warm hugs*

just came by to say good morning. :o) hope you're doing ok. *hug*
patti

I've been wondering lately about wellbutrin... It seems to be oft-prescribed for cases where ADD and depression overlap, alkthough I realize that there are other maladies for which it is prescribed.

What are the main symptoms of OCD? I remember doing some OCDish things as a child. I was recently told that dreams in which one fears unintentionally hurting people are symptomatic.

my primary care nurse practitioner prescribed the wellbutrin for me because i had some symptoms of a.d.d. as well,though for some reason the therapist i was seeing at the time never tested me or anything...just seemed to take my word for it,which was odd.

ocd has different manifestations. it's irrational and when you have it you know it's irrational,but it causes great anxiety not to do your compulsions,like handwashing,or checking the stove or touching something three times whenever you walk by it. it's a very strange thing...also called the 'doubting disease'. for me,if i'm more anxious than usual,i will have to check to make sure the stove is off etc several times before i leave home. the more anxious,the more times i have to do it. see,i can't trust myself to know for sure that i already checked it and it was okay.

the worst i have is the handwashing thing. things i touch seem dirty...i have my own quirks and it's certain specific things.

i've never heard of that dream idea,but that does sound like ocd-type thinking.

wellbutrin can sometimes make ocd worse,as it can increase your anxiety. last time i took it,after feeling a bit more anxious at first,i actually felt less anxiety because i felt i could cope with things better and that lessened my anxiety overall.

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jacob's ladder

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malady

ocd