bluegreen17 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
bluegreen17) wrote2004-02-22 06:44 pm
bluegreen17) wrote2004-02-22 06:44 pm
this is it?
for the past couple of months,which has basically been winter,i've been at different extremes.
i haven't been interacting on livejournal as much. i used to spend an hour or so online when i got home from work. now i just check my email,and there usually isn't much,which makes sense since i haven't been communicating much electronically. and then i do my escapist thing-i watch some part of the band of brothers 10 hour epic. obviously,it has some depth or i wouldn't still be watching some of it every day for this long. i love it because it's well-written,acted,filmed,etc. i really love things with good characters...of course,these characters are based on real people,but i still consider them characters,and i love character-centered drama. i can appreciate watching all this stuff about war because my life seems to be battle after battle...i mean,i can't compare it,really,but symbolically i do. it connects to my enjoyment of history and other social sciences,so i've learned some things about world war 2 and have sought out reading material to answer the questions that have come up in my mind. and the real escapist element is the serial celebrity crushes that give me something nice to think about during my boring days. that sounds so pathetic for someone my age,though. oh,well.
at the other end of the spectrum which might be considered escapism but is really facing things in my psyche-which is the opposite of an escape,in my opinion-i've been studying some heavy-duty spiritual stuff and lately regretting haven taken the red pill. but i took the red pill many many years ago,i suppose,when as an adolescent i asked my mother what the meaning of life was,and she said 'why do you want to know that for?' getting no answers,i went on my own journey,much of it alone,but occasionally i've been accompanied by others. lately it's been pretty much alone,as i don't know anyone else who's studying advaita and the zen version of enlightenment,other than folks on some different groups whose thoughts i've read.
right now my question is 'why the hell does anyone want to get enlightened?',because my current understanding is that it's not that 'total bliss'/everything's fine and nothing bothers you anymore state that i used to think it was.* i guess whatever THAT is,is what i want! i mean,who doesn't? i just want to be happy,and i'm tired of struggling with life. i've quit meditating,because if it isn't going to make me happier (is it so wrong to want to be happy?) why should i sit there bored out of my mind while i worry about the 1,000,001 things i 'should' be doing but don't have the energy for? if enlightenment isn't happiness,i guess i'm too immature to want it. whatever 'it' is.
some of it has to do with it being the late stages of winter,which is wearying with just such basic things as having to drive in bad weather,sometimes missing work because of bad weather,having to dig out vehicles,having to get up early for the snowplow. having to be cold so much and worrying about if your furnace is going to crash on you. stuff like that tires me out.
right now just things like having my shower and bathroom sink drains slowing down again and having to drano them,which i hate doing because of the chemical fumes,and having to make arrangements for the painters to paint my door so i have to be home,and needing a haircut,and the incessant laundry and trash and not having enough downtime-working five days a week feels like too much,and i want to be home more.
i've been working full-time for most of the past 25 years with the exception of about 8 months total of being unemployed.
i'm just tired of a life with few rewarding experiences in it. woe is me.
tired.
*eta 3/28/04: from the reading i've done since,it seems that it depends on whom you talk to...or perhaps how i'm interpreting what i'm reading. since i don't know for sure,i think i'll follow the ones who think bliss or at least happiness,is possible. why not?
i haven't been interacting on livejournal as much. i used to spend an hour or so online when i got home from work. now i just check my email,and there usually isn't much,which makes sense since i haven't been communicating much electronically. and then i do my escapist thing-i watch some part of the band of brothers 10 hour epic. obviously,it has some depth or i wouldn't still be watching some of it every day for this long. i love it because it's well-written,acted,filmed,etc. i really love things with good characters...of course,these characters are based on real people,but i still consider them characters,and i love character-centered drama. i can appreciate watching all this stuff about war because my life seems to be battle after battle...i mean,i can't compare it,really,but symbolically i do. it connects to my enjoyment of history and other social sciences,so i've learned some things about world war 2 and have sought out reading material to answer the questions that have come up in my mind. and the real escapist element is the serial celebrity crushes that give me something nice to think about during my boring days. that sounds so pathetic for someone my age,though. oh,well.
at the other end of the spectrum which might be considered escapism but is really facing things in my psyche-which is the opposite of an escape,in my opinion-i've been studying some heavy-duty spiritual stuff and lately regretting haven taken the red pill. but i took the red pill many many years ago,i suppose,when as an adolescent i asked my mother what the meaning of life was,and she said 'why do you want to know that for?' getting no answers,i went on my own journey,much of it alone,but occasionally i've been accompanied by others. lately it's been pretty much alone,as i don't know anyone else who's studying advaita and the zen version of enlightenment,other than folks on some different groups whose thoughts i've read.
right now my question is 'why the hell does anyone want to get enlightened?',because my current understanding is that it's not that 'total bliss'/everything's fine and nothing bothers you anymore state that i used to think it was.* i guess whatever THAT is,is what i want! i mean,who doesn't? i just want to be happy,and i'm tired of struggling with life. i've quit meditating,because if it isn't going to make me happier (is it so wrong to want to be happy?) why should i sit there bored out of my mind while i worry about the 1,000,001 things i 'should' be doing but don't have the energy for? if enlightenment isn't happiness,i guess i'm too immature to want it. whatever 'it' is.
some of it has to do with it being the late stages of winter,which is wearying with just such basic things as having to drive in bad weather,sometimes missing work because of bad weather,having to dig out vehicles,having to get up early for the snowplow. having to be cold so much and worrying about if your furnace is going to crash on you. stuff like that tires me out.
right now just things like having my shower and bathroom sink drains slowing down again and having to drano them,which i hate doing because of the chemical fumes,and having to make arrangements for the painters to paint my door so i have to be home,and needing a haircut,and the incessant laundry and trash and not having enough downtime-working five days a week feels like too much,and i want to be home more.
i've been working full-time for most of the past 25 years with the exception of about 8 months total of being unemployed.
i'm just tired of a life with few rewarding experiences in it. woe is me.
tired.
*eta 3/28/04: from the reading i've done since,it seems that it depends on whom you talk to...or perhaps how i'm interpreting what i'm reading. since i don't know for sure,i think i'll follow the ones who think bliss or at least happiness,is possible. why not?
It's not...
On another note, do you like that Died Pretty song? It's old-1992-ish. They're from Australia I think.
sweetheart
no subject
(Anonymous) 2004-02-24 03:49 pm (UTC)(link)patti