bluegreen17 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
bluegreen17) wrote2004-03-23 11:22 am
bluegreen17) wrote2004-03-23 11:22 am
tuesday morning blues
i'm having my usual tuesday morning existential despair.
i work tues-sat. so tuesday is my monday morning. i wake up and i'm depressed because another weekend has gone by,and not only have i not accomplished much,yet again,beyond basic survival stuff like grocery shopping and doing laundry and whatever maintenance appt. i might have,which i had to force myself to do and takes all my motivational energy-dentist,haircut,oil change or other car stuff,eye appt.,therapy appt.-but i also really haven't had a good bit of fun most of the time,like,say,a social life. a social life is hard when you have no money,time,or energy. but life without a social life (i'm not talking about wild parties or anything fancy...just hanging out with people you like,in person...hanging out on the 'net is a fun distraction,but isn't quite the soulspackle* that i need.) isn't much of a life,in my opinion. i enjoy solitude and my own company-in fact,i really need some of that,which is partly why i have no time left over after working and commuting,which takes up about 50 hours a week,and sleeping,which i need a lot of,and all the basic life maintenance stuff. but i also need to spend time with other people,other than when i'm at work or on the 'net,because there's something necessary about being in the physical presence of other people you like some of the time.
ah,well,sucks to be me. and the fact that there are people worse off than i am generally makes me feel bad,rather than being grateful for what i do have. i'm sad much of the time but some people have it much worse-but that hardly makes me feel better. it just makes me angry that life is so hard for so many of us. i don't have much choice but to be an optimist,albeit a depressed one,and hope someday that i can pull myself up by my own bootstraps,and that everyone else can too. or that somehow we can do something for each other that truly helps in the long run.it's hard to help a depressed person,and it's hard for a depressed person to help themselves. and i'm not only depressed,but i have circumstantial problems i can't figure out how to fix that will most likely only get worse as time goes on.i need to find some motivation,some reason for living,to get me out of this rut. i'd settle for a miracle from god,though,if i can't do it myself! or course,finding that motivation and meaning could be a miracle itself.
so god,if you exist,and that bible story about how a father wouldnt give his child a stone when they ask for bread is true,i'm asking for some help here. can't hurt to ask,can it?
i don't think i've done an existential despair post in a while,thank goodness. i try to leave as big a gap as possible between them! this post is friends-filtered so my sister,who's going through her own grieving process,doesn't worry about me or feel bad for me in addition to her own stuff.
thank you to anyone who indulged me and slogged through it (or doesn't take me off their flist because this kind of post can be so annoying.) i feel better having written these thoughts out. and now,on with the day...
~~~~~~~~
*a term coined by my sisters rachel and sara,describing something that fills those great gaping holes in our souls...at least it makes sense to me and my sisters!
i work tues-sat. so tuesday is my monday morning. i wake up and i'm depressed because another weekend has gone by,and not only have i not accomplished much,yet again,beyond basic survival stuff like grocery shopping and doing laundry and whatever maintenance appt. i might have,which i had to force myself to do and takes all my motivational energy-dentist,haircut,oil change or other car stuff,eye appt.,therapy appt.-but i also really haven't had a good bit of fun most of the time,like,say,a social life. a social life is hard when you have no money,time,or energy. but life without a social life (i'm not talking about wild parties or anything fancy...just hanging out with people you like,in person...hanging out on the 'net is a fun distraction,but isn't quite the soulspackle* that i need.) isn't much of a life,in my opinion. i enjoy solitude and my own company-in fact,i really need some of that,which is partly why i have no time left over after working and commuting,which takes up about 50 hours a week,and sleeping,which i need a lot of,and all the basic life maintenance stuff. but i also need to spend time with other people,other than when i'm at work or on the 'net,because there's something necessary about being in the physical presence of other people you like some of the time.
ah,well,sucks to be me. and the fact that there are people worse off than i am generally makes me feel bad,rather than being grateful for what i do have. i'm sad much of the time but some people have it much worse-but that hardly makes me feel better. it just makes me angry that life is so hard for so many of us. i don't have much choice but to be an optimist,albeit a depressed one,and hope someday that i can pull myself up by my own bootstraps,and that everyone else can too. or that somehow we can do something for each other that truly helps in the long run.it's hard to help a depressed person,and it's hard for a depressed person to help themselves. and i'm not only depressed,but i have circumstantial problems i can't figure out how to fix that will most likely only get worse as time goes on.i need to find some motivation,some reason for living,to get me out of this rut. i'd settle for a miracle from god,though,if i can't do it myself! or course,finding that motivation and meaning could be a miracle itself.
so god,if you exist,and that bible story about how a father wouldnt give his child a stone when they ask for bread is true,i'm asking for some help here. can't hurt to ask,can it?
i don't think i've done an existential despair post in a while,thank goodness. i try to leave as big a gap as possible between them! this post is friends-filtered so my sister,who's going through her own grieving process,doesn't worry about me or feel bad for me in addition to her own stuff.
thank you to anyone who indulged me and slogged through it (or doesn't take me off their flist because this kind of post can be so annoying.) i feel better having written these thoughts out. and now,on with the day...
~~~~~~~~
*a term coined by my sisters rachel and sara,describing something that fills those great gaping holes in our souls...at least it makes sense to me and my sisters!
Nothing important to say...
Re: Nothing important to say...
no subject
::hands you a flower and sits nearby to keep you company::
no subject
no subject
no subject
texas holdem poker room games
(Anonymous) 2005-03-30 05:52 am (UTC)(link)Please check the pages in the field of casino poker seven stud (http://www.e-poker-2005.com/casino-poker-seven-stud.html) casino poker seven stud http://www.e-poker-2005.com/casino-poker-seven-stud.html (http://www.e-poker-2005.com/casino-poker-seven-stud.html)
texas hold em tricks (http://www.e-poker-2005.com/texas-hold-em-tricks.html) texas hold em tricks http://www.e-poker-2005.com/texas-hold-em-tricks.html (http://www.e-poker-2005.com/texas-hold-em-tricks.html)
texas holdem starting hand chart (http://www.e-poker-2005.com/texas-holdem-starting-hand-chart.html) texas holdem starting hand chart http://www.e-poker-2005.com/texas-holdem-starting-hand-chart.html (http://www.e-poker-2005.com/texas-holdem-starting-hand-chart.html)
texas holdem instructions (http://www.e-poker-2005.com/texas-holdem-instructions.html) texas holdem instructions http://www.e-poker-2005.com/texas-holdem-instructions.html (http://www.e-poker-2005.com/texas-holdem-instructions.html)
strippoker tournament (http://www.e-poker-2005.com/strippoker-tournament.html) strippoker tournament http://www.e-poker-2005.com/strippoker-tournament.html (http://www.e-poker-2005.com/strippoker-tournament.html)
software poker match (http://www.e-poker-2005.com/software-poker-match.html) software poker match http://www.e-poker-2005.com/software-poker-match.html (http://www.e-poker-2005.com/software-poker-match.html)
real clay poker chips (http://www.e-poker-2005.com/real-clay-poker-chips.html) real clay poker chips http://www.e-poker-2005.com/real-clay-poker-chips.html (http://www.e-poker-2005.com/real-clay-poker-chips.html)
poker game table (http://www.e-poker-2005.com/poker-game-table.html) poker game table http://www.e-poker-2005.com/poker-game-table.html (http://www.e-poker-2005.com/poker-game-table.html)
plug and play party poker omaha 8 (http://www.e-poker-2005.com/plug-and-play-party-poker-omaha-8.html) plug and play party poker omaha 8 http://www.e-poker-2005.com/plug-and-play-party-poker-omaha-8.html (http://www.e-poker-2005.com/plug-and-play-party-poker-omaha-8.html)
online poker seven cards no download (http://www.e-poker-2005.com/online-poker-seven-cards-no-download.html) online poker seven cards no download http://www.e-poker-2005.com/online-poker-seven-cards-no-download.html (http://www.e-poker-2005.com/online-poker-seven-cards-no-download.html)
... Thanks!!!