bluegreen17 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
bluegreen17) wrote2004-03-27 11:42 am
bluegreen17) wrote2004-03-27 11:42 am
whirlpool
something unknown is doing we don't know what.
-sir arthur eddington,physicist
i just finished rereading alan watts' the wisdom of insecurity,in which this quote appears. the book is a quite positive take on,well,the reality of insecurity,of not-knowing,in life. still,i wish i could believe in a god with definite rules,but that makes no sense to me intuitively. and i'm sad about that,because i'm a very insecure person. anxious,a lot. terrified,quite often.
i recently mentioned that i don't write about my misery that much in my journal anymore. the joke's on me,though,because now i feel the need to.
it helps relieve the guilt a bit to know that no one is forced to read this stuff,but the writing of it helps and i don't keep it private on the off-chance that someone will read it and have some helpful insight. even though my therapist says i'm very complicated,and i feel beyond hope and help much of the time. i feel that i've thoroughly exasperated several therapists. i'm a challenge or a pain-in-the-ass,depending on viewpoint.
i worry about how i will continue to push myself to go to work every day,and even if i do,when my money will run out. i have managed so far,but it wouldn't take much to topple me financially,not to mention mentally. i worry that i will become a burden to my family,and i know the burden that my mother was in the last two years-seriously ill,in debt,and with barely enough money for a funeral which ended up being quite frugal but i admire my sister for the amazing job she did handling her affairs. we had no choice but to do what we had to do.some of the stuff that needed to be done was very very difficult,but we did it because we loved mom.
my family would probably do the same for me,and i don't want them to have to. i see myself as becoming a burden long before my mother ever did,when my mental state of depression and anxiety makes it impossible for me to work and support myself. on a daily basis,i feel i need help,and don't see anywhere to get it. my mom worked until she was 70 years old,in large part so she'd have medical insurance for her many ailments.she took a lot of medication,10 or so different ones. she never got to retire. she was only a burden to the family for two years.
i have a horrible vision of being a burden for years and years. in the past few years,i find it harder and harder to get out of bed and go to work everyday,and sometimes i've only managed to work 4 out of my five days scheduled. it jeopardizes my job,and i'm pretty poor to begin with.
one example: yesterday my toilet broke. i have to turn the water on and off every time i use it,because it won't stop flushing. i need to call a plumber. i don't have the time,energy,or money for it. i don't have the time,energy or money for much of anything. some of the clothes i wear to work are literally fraying at the bottoms,they are so old and worn out.
and yes,it could be worse. but my biggest fear is to make life harder for my family. at my mother's funeral,i thought of how painful for the family it would be if i committed suicide,which i think about often enough. it's painful enough when a loved one dies of a disease or whatever,and you have enough guilt about that...so i don't think about it seriously. i don't want to die,i just don't want life to be so painful.i want to be an asset to the world,or at least to my family,and not a liablity.
i don't know of any way out of my downward spiral. and in case you're wondering,i take an antidepressant. it's the only one that won't cause weight gain,and weight gain would be especially bad for me because i have acid reflux. not to mention i can't afford bigger clothes. a bitter irony.
oh,well. i'll let you know if a miracle occurs,and my life improves.
-sir arthur eddington,physicist
i just finished rereading alan watts' the wisdom of insecurity,in which this quote appears. the book is a quite positive take on,well,the reality of insecurity,of not-knowing,in life. still,i wish i could believe in a god with definite rules,but that makes no sense to me intuitively. and i'm sad about that,because i'm a very insecure person. anxious,a lot. terrified,quite often.
i recently mentioned that i don't write about my misery that much in my journal anymore. the joke's on me,though,because now i feel the need to.
it helps relieve the guilt a bit to know that no one is forced to read this stuff,but the writing of it helps and i don't keep it private on the off-chance that someone will read it and have some helpful insight. even though my therapist says i'm very complicated,and i feel beyond hope and help much of the time. i feel that i've thoroughly exasperated several therapists. i'm a challenge or a pain-in-the-ass,depending on viewpoint.
i worry about how i will continue to push myself to go to work every day,and even if i do,when my money will run out. i have managed so far,but it wouldn't take much to topple me financially,not to mention mentally. i worry that i will become a burden to my family,and i know the burden that my mother was in the last two years-seriously ill,in debt,and with barely enough money for a funeral which ended up being quite frugal but i admire my sister for the amazing job she did handling her affairs. we had no choice but to do what we had to do.some of the stuff that needed to be done was very very difficult,but we did it because we loved mom.
my family would probably do the same for me,and i don't want them to have to. i see myself as becoming a burden long before my mother ever did,when my mental state of depression and anxiety makes it impossible for me to work and support myself. on a daily basis,i feel i need help,and don't see anywhere to get it. my mom worked until she was 70 years old,in large part so she'd have medical insurance for her many ailments.she took a lot of medication,10 or so different ones. she never got to retire. she was only a burden to the family for two years.
i have a horrible vision of being a burden for years and years. in the past few years,i find it harder and harder to get out of bed and go to work everyday,and sometimes i've only managed to work 4 out of my five days scheduled. it jeopardizes my job,and i'm pretty poor to begin with.
one example: yesterday my toilet broke. i have to turn the water on and off every time i use it,because it won't stop flushing. i need to call a plumber. i don't have the time,energy,or money for it. i don't have the time,energy or money for much of anything. some of the clothes i wear to work are literally fraying at the bottoms,they are so old and worn out.
and yes,it could be worse. but my biggest fear is to make life harder for my family. at my mother's funeral,i thought of how painful for the family it would be if i committed suicide,which i think about often enough. it's painful enough when a loved one dies of a disease or whatever,and you have enough guilt about that...so i don't think about it seriously. i don't want to die,i just don't want life to be so painful.i want to be an asset to the world,or at least to my family,and not a liablity.
i don't know of any way out of my downward spiral. and in case you're wondering,i take an antidepressant. it's the only one that won't cause weight gain,and weight gain would be especially bad for me because i have acid reflux. not to mention i can't afford bigger clothes. a bitter irony.
oh,well. i'll let you know if a miracle occurs,and my life improves.
In the words of Peter & Kate:
Don't give up - you're not the only one
Don't give up - no reason to be ashamed
Don't give up - you still have us.
Don't give up now - we're proud of who you are
Rest your head, you worry too much
it's going to be alright.
When times get rough you can fall back on us
Don't give up
please don't give up!
Don't give up - you know it's never been easy
Don't give up - 'cause I believe there's a place
There's a place where we belong!
And if you have this on cd anywhere, I suggest you listen to it too! I LOVE YOU!
thanks,sweetie
actually,i thought i had filtered that so you wouldn't see it,because you're going through your own grief and i didn't want to worry you. i looked up books on worry today and actually bought a great one not specificly on that but titled happy yoga: 7 reasons why there's nothing to worry about .it's got a lot of hindu philosophy along with some yoga postures.
the song you quoted is so perfect and beautiful...thank you so much for the encouragement,support and love.
love back atcha!
<3
Re: thanks,sweetie
sara is such a bitch...oops.O_o
anyway,it doesn't sound like i upset you too much,and maybe it was a good thing you read them,since you were able to give me such great encouragement.
thanks.
oh,and now i can say nasty things about you to other people...but why would i?
: p
ps
hare krishna smurf
that was nice of you to write a note to lisa. i was thinking of what i would write to the staff on a-1 this morning.
songs and other 'messages' sometimes have a way of finding us...i like to think it's the love and intelligence of the universe giving us a little boost...sent by different messengers-musicians,sunsets themselves,and,really,everything. have you ever heard the song 'everything' by lifehouse? they did 'hanging by a moment'. i think most of their songs are really talking to god...but on the other hand,maybe god is all of us,so it doesn't matter how you interpret it.
besides you passing along that song to me,i found that 'happy yoga' book and i'm really inspired by hinduism these days,particularly vedanta. the founder of vedanta practiced many different religions in his lifetime,and felt that all religions are true,which is why
i like the philosophy behind vedanta.