bluegreen17 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
bluegreen17) wrote2002-08-22 08:00 am
bluegreen17) wrote2002-08-22 08:00 am
half-baked thoughts
this is an only slightly formed thought,but i'll write this down anyway...
every thing unpleasant that i don't like is an opportunity for me to find the way to be happy inside.it seems so frustrating,but i hope it is worth it to learn this some day. maybe that is what i have to understand and why
god has seemed to turn his back...
it's more like god is saying...you will be happier and for a longer time if you learn that it is INSIDE you and not outside...if i keep carrying you,you will not learn to walk and you will miss much.
strangely,as i observe my sisters who are fundamentalist christians,i think in some sense that they do this even though they say they are relying on god...because god is the kingdom inside,even if they don't conceptualize it that way.
i had some very constructive thoughts yesterday...was it the adderall finally kicking in? i think not,because during my entire life i've had insights from time to time.
i'm partly writing this to remind myself and see if it makes sense to me when my mind is back in the narrow tunnel it so often is in.
anyway,yesterday i felt inspired to return to the books of barry neil kaufman...'happiness is a choice',etc...i think the theory is similar to the buddhists of making happiness a priority,but right now i prefer a more secular approach than a religious one. however,i must say that even though i've felt abandoned by god lately,i still want to have that connection with god,or whatever...even though i will perhaps remain agnostic,not knowing for sure.
i'm writing this before 8 in the morning,which is a miracle,but this is water shut off day,so i got out of bed at 6 when it was still dark out,to my surprise.
i wish it was a little sunnier...it would have made it more pleasant to be up with the sunrise.(though i was in the shower when the sun actually go out of bed!) it probably just seems less sunny because the condo we rent is not facing east but west,so we don't get much sun during the day.
(that's a good thing during hot summer days though...it stays fairly cool in here for a while during the day)
considering that i went to bed at midnight rather than my normal 2 a.m. and consequently took a while to fall asleep,as well as getting out of bed a mere six hours later...i usually like to sleep,or at least rest,for ten hours,though most days i only have time for nine,and that will change when/if i start working a second job...i'm not too incoherent!
also,i noticed that i felt twitchy...my shoulders felt twitchy and i wonder if that might be the adderall as well. considering the adderall doesn't seem to be benefitting me,but even at low doses has affected my sleep and now this odd twitchiness while trying to sleep,i don't think i'm going to be taking a stimulant much longer.
onto plan b,which may or may not include taking zoloft for a little while or giving st. john's wort a try.i also got out a book at the library yesterday called 'change your brain,change your life' by daniel amen.
it's confusing though,because it talks about different mental conditions,for which differing suggestions including nutrition,are made. i seem to have almost ALL these mental conditions,and the confusion is that the nutrition suggestions can't be followed for all the different mental things because they contradict each other! i had the same problem with his 'healing a.d.d.' book...i couldn't figure out which type of a.d.d i had,or which ones...i definitely have the 'overfocus' type but i'm scattered as well! my contradictory nature has been commented upon by more than one person!
every thing unpleasant that i don't like is an opportunity for me to find the way to be happy inside.it seems so frustrating,but i hope it is worth it to learn this some day. maybe that is what i have to understand and why
god has seemed to turn his back...
it's more like god is saying...you will be happier and for a longer time if you learn that it is INSIDE you and not outside...if i keep carrying you,you will not learn to walk and you will miss much.
strangely,as i observe my sisters who are fundamentalist christians,i think in some sense that they do this even though they say they are relying on god...because god is the kingdom inside,even if they don't conceptualize it that way.
i had some very constructive thoughts yesterday...was it the adderall finally kicking in? i think not,because during my entire life i've had insights from time to time.
i'm partly writing this to remind myself and see if it makes sense to me when my mind is back in the narrow tunnel it so often is in.
anyway,yesterday i felt inspired to return to the books of barry neil kaufman...'happiness is a choice',etc...i think the theory is similar to the buddhists of making happiness a priority,but right now i prefer a more secular approach than a religious one. however,i must say that even though i've felt abandoned by god lately,i still want to have that connection with god,or whatever...even though i will perhaps remain agnostic,not knowing for sure.
i'm writing this before 8 in the morning,which is a miracle,but this is water shut off day,so i got out of bed at 6 when it was still dark out,to my surprise.
i wish it was a little sunnier...it would have made it more pleasant to be up with the sunrise.(though i was in the shower when the sun actually go out of bed!) it probably just seems less sunny because the condo we rent is not facing east but west,so we don't get much sun during the day.
(that's a good thing during hot summer days though...it stays fairly cool in here for a while during the day)
considering that i went to bed at midnight rather than my normal 2 a.m. and consequently took a while to fall asleep,as well as getting out of bed a mere six hours later...i usually like to sleep,or at least rest,for ten hours,though most days i only have time for nine,and that will change when/if i start working a second job...i'm not too incoherent!
also,i noticed that i felt twitchy...my shoulders felt twitchy and i wonder if that might be the adderall as well. considering the adderall doesn't seem to be benefitting me,but even at low doses has affected my sleep and now this odd twitchiness while trying to sleep,i don't think i'm going to be taking a stimulant much longer.
onto plan b,which may or may not include taking zoloft for a little while or giving st. john's wort a try.i also got out a book at the library yesterday called 'change your brain,change your life' by daniel amen.
it's confusing though,because it talks about different mental conditions,for which differing suggestions including nutrition,are made. i seem to have almost ALL these mental conditions,and the confusion is that the nutrition suggestions can't be followed for all the different mental things because they contradict each other! i had the same problem with his 'healing a.d.d.' book...i couldn't figure out which type of a.d.d i had,or which ones...i definitely have the 'overfocus' type but i'm scattered as well! my contradictory nature has been commented upon by more than one person!