bluegreen17 | (no subject)

i've had a really tough day so far. mostly because of my reactions and phobias and depression,i guess.

first,i was in a bit of a grumpy mood this morning when i woke up,but i convinced myself to perk up and not get bogged down. i decided i'd get up a little earlier,because the longer i stay in bed,the more depressed i feel.

so...at 9:30 i got up in spite of the fact that i for once could sleep in. (what good does that do if you're lying awake fighting awful thoughts in your head,though?) and this is where things turned just wonderful.

/sarcasm drips off the page/

we had no water! so,that meant it was no use getting up and getting dressed,since i don't like to put on clean clothes when i'm dirty. and i don't like being up and about in my nightwear,because i feel grungy. plus,i have the kind of ocd where you feel anxiety and wash your hands a lot because you think lots of things are dirty,and it bothers you. so this was an extra wonderful thing to happen to me. as it turned out,the town was fixing a water main break that they'd patched up from saturday (when i was without water for an hour or so,so i couldn't brush my teeth and get ready for work,but at least i was dressed.)
i had no warning of water being shut off. so,anyway,i went back to bed and just laid there being very depressed and angry and feeling like my day was ruined already.the water finally came back close to noontime. and then i had to run it for 15 freakin' minutes before all the rust went away. so my entire morning was wasted feeling depressed and frustrated. stupid,i know,but i just couldn't deal. stupid mental problems.

a little while ago i went out to the library and i'm just being bothered by everything,and i get anxious because i have very little common sense to know when i should attend to something and when i should not worry,so i just worry because i feel like i'm so stupid and incapable of dealing with life. my brakes squeak when i first drive the car,and generally it goes away. last week i had my car inspected and mentioned this to the mechanic. my car passed inspection but he had to clean some dirt from the rear brakes,but he said otherwise the brakes were fine. (they wouldn't have passed inspection if they weren't.) but the brakes continue to squeak when i first start up. they feel fine,they are probably fine,but it really bothers me and i feel stupid calling him again to ask about it,and feeling stupid makes me more depressed. so i've been driving without the radio on,just to keep tabs on it. and then i stopped at the store and when i just stopped my car,i heard a not-very-loud but crickety noise coming from my car. which depressed me further. i could not face going back across town to have the mechanic check it out. it is probably normal for my car,as i usually have music on and wouldn't have heard it if i hadn't been keeping my ears peeled for squeaking brakes.

i had my timing belt replaced a few months ago. and if it's a different belt,wouldn't there be wear on it when i got inspected last week? could a belt wear out in a week? i got so depressed i just put my radio on to ignore it and drove home. i dont know if i should do anything about it,and i won't have time to the rest of the week. and i have to drive my car in heavy traffic twice a day. what if something happens because i couldn't deal with feeling stupid and neurotic? or maybe it's fine and i'm just neurotic. but the not-knowing makes me feel like crap.

it's pretty bad when you think of suicide over things like this. but i only THINK about it,so i'm not going to do anything about it.

i can't get myself out of this hell of my mind at the moment. this too shall pass...and then it will be back again and again. and again. with nary much good in life in between. what the fuck am i living for? because i have no choice. suicide would only make things worse,so i am f**king stuck here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Di, I'm sorry you're feeling so low today. :(

I often get wrapped up in my own mind-hells, just today I was freaking over my job. I feel I could lose my job at any moment, and what I would I do. So I went on a job-search rampage which was fruitlessly depressing. So tonight, my mission is to have faith... to know that wherever I am, I am on God's green earth and in Her hands. I work for God, not these.... people.

*hugs* I love you!

I work for God, not these.... people.

i like that. your god sounds like a wonderful woman! : )

mine,if he/she exists,is in the guise of a drill sargeant right now,and frankly i'm surprised i'm still in the 'army'.i feel like i'm failing far too many tests. what the plan is for wonderful me (if any!) is a huge mystery to me.

thanks for the love and hugs!

I (and my OCD) feel for you. When I'm on the Paxil regularly, I'm much better.

Maybe tomorrow will be extra good to make up for it.

thank you!

I feel for you. I can't enjoy anything because I obsess over what might go wrong---I've just become so used to things going wrong that now I just wait for the bad stuff to happen. I can totally understand how not having water would throw off the whole day. The people who just put on their clothes and get on with things? I don't know how they do it.

i've been working on just not having expectations of anything particularly good happening,and that was working out pretty well. but to have to expect the bad to happen...well,i guess that can be a good thing in that you adjust to it and anything good is a nice surprise. does it work that way for you? i hope you are able to enjoy some things here and there,but i know what you mean.

I'd send some calming energy your way if I had any.
Instead, I'll just send hope for calming energy.

very belated,but no less sincere,thanks!

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damned reveille

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