bluegreen17 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
bluegreen17) wrote2004-06-21 06:25 pm
bluegreen17) wrote2004-06-21 06:25 pm
ramblin' ruminations
Some stories are true that never happened.
-elie weisel
got a haircut today,real short. feels great for summery weather.
took dad to a chinese restaurant for father's day (yes,i know it was yesterday.) his driving made me a nervous wreck and then i end up yelling at him and apologizing later.
luckily,he doesn't take it personally.he knows i'm a nutcase and loves me anyway,i guess. the food was great. dad loved it too. i had veggie lo mein. yum. i had less than the entire dish and felt well-fed,so i took some home for another yummy meal.
god,what a gorgeous day. it was windy again today...yay! that made it extra nice because it was around 80 degrees but didn't feel hot. just nice. dad was going to the grocery store,so i walked home from there,which takes about fifteen minutes.
when it was time for my therapy appointment,i parked at the library and walked over. (that's a five-minuter.)
my therapy appointment was interesting. i was quite agitated,because after reading the half-empty heart yesterday,i felt kind of hopeless. which is not necessarily the reaction the book would elicit from everyone,but it did to me. one thing we talked about was my place in the family. i said i felt my parents tolerated me. i knew (and know) they love me,but i FELT they just tolerated me. i was the problem child. i was the one they took to a psychiatrist at the age of ten because they felt bad that i was unhappy so much and nothing they'd tried (including buying everything on my christmas list for me one year) had helped.
i have to laugh a bit about my initial appointment with the psychiatrist. i was on to her. i wasn't stupid. she gave me a set of cards, and asked me to sort them in a pile of things i enjoyed doing that was depicted on the cards. i remember one being something like a kid setting a cat on fire. i mean,geez,i knew i wasn't that sick.in fact,it kind of shocked me. what did she think i was,a monster? i dont' remember seeing her very many times. she was an older lady,and broke her hip and was out of commission for awhile,and i never did go back. i kept asking my parents,though,if she had told them 'what was wrong with me'. if my parents took me to a psychiatrist,something must be 'wrong with me' and i really wanted to know what it was so it could be fixed. well,i never got an answer to that.
my therapist said to me today 'well,maybe there isn't anything wrong with you.' well,maybe not. maybe just having people think there is something wrong with you makes you think so too,and then it ends up being true. it's kind of like the opposite of the jesus healing stories. jesus saw people as 'healthy' that other people didn't. when he told a cripple to get up and walk,the cripple had faith in what jesus saw,and got up and walked!
well,maybe i'm just babbling,but whatever.
i'm concerned because i have few friends and like being alone. i looove living alone,and i love being on vacation and just hanging around the house. although i sometimes do have a yen to go out and do something,and being on vacation,i have time to do that! which i like also. i get lonely sometimes but i think it's worse being with people who irritate me than being alone. and a lot of people irritate me. i dont know what's up with that. or maybe it's that a lot of people i encounter on a day-to-day basis is not really by choice,since we're talking about at the store where i work (can't choose our customers,more's the pity) and i can't choose the other drivers i share the road with,and i find many who are annoying if not downright terrifying.
but still i wonder why i really don't like a lot of people. i know some people who like animals better than people. being of kind of an intellectual persuasion,though,i find people have more potential for stimulating discussion,so i'd have to say i prefer people to animals in general. though i do like some animals. certainly not bugs! eek! poor bugs. i hate them because they scare me or at the very least 'squick' me.
maybe indeed there is nothing wrong with preferring one's own company to most people's...but unfortunately for me,interdependence is kind of how our society functions for the most part.i love being home alone,but neither am i interested in becoming a hermit.
maybe it's not that i dont' like people,but that i can't find many that i like. which sounds really insulting.
okay,let's put it this way. i get along with most people at work,and i work with 30-40 different people. many of them i LIKE. but there arent' many of them i'd like to spend much time with. does that make much sense? i guess i'm just trying to figure that out with my rambling writing here.
another thing i said today is that if i was going to take the time to socialize,i dont' want to 'waste' my time on someone whose company i don't enjoy. which sets my standards high,since generally i don't have much spare time. so i end up expecting too much from other people,which means i just end up giving up on much of a social life. i'm so confused. but that's okay because i'm on vacation so i can be relaxed and confused rather than being stressed and confused. so it's not so bad.
oh,and i went to the library and looked up 'transpersonal psychology' in the card catalog and nothing came up.
*sigh*
-elie weisel
got a haircut today,real short. feels great for summery weather.
took dad to a chinese restaurant for father's day (yes,i know it was yesterday.) his driving made me a nervous wreck and then i end up yelling at him and apologizing later.
luckily,he doesn't take it personally.he knows i'm a nutcase and loves me anyway,i guess. the food was great. dad loved it too. i had veggie lo mein. yum. i had less than the entire dish and felt well-fed,so i took some home for another yummy meal.
god,what a gorgeous day. it was windy again today...yay! that made it extra nice because it was around 80 degrees but didn't feel hot. just nice. dad was going to the grocery store,so i walked home from there,which takes about fifteen minutes.
when it was time for my therapy appointment,i parked at the library and walked over. (that's a five-minuter.)
my therapy appointment was interesting. i was quite agitated,because after reading the half-empty heart yesterday,i felt kind of hopeless. which is not necessarily the reaction the book would elicit from everyone,but it did to me. one thing we talked about was my place in the family. i said i felt my parents tolerated me. i knew (and know) they love me,but i FELT they just tolerated me. i was the problem child. i was the one they took to a psychiatrist at the age of ten because they felt bad that i was unhappy so much and nothing they'd tried (including buying everything on my christmas list for me one year) had helped.
i have to laugh a bit about my initial appointment with the psychiatrist. i was on to her. i wasn't stupid. she gave me a set of cards, and asked me to sort them in a pile of things i enjoyed doing that was depicted on the cards. i remember one being something like a kid setting a cat on fire. i mean,geez,i knew i wasn't that sick.in fact,it kind of shocked me. what did she think i was,a monster? i dont' remember seeing her very many times. she was an older lady,and broke her hip and was out of commission for awhile,and i never did go back. i kept asking my parents,though,if she had told them 'what was wrong with me'. if my parents took me to a psychiatrist,something must be 'wrong with me' and i really wanted to know what it was so it could be fixed. well,i never got an answer to that.
my therapist said to me today 'well,maybe there isn't anything wrong with you.' well,maybe not. maybe just having people think there is something wrong with you makes you think so too,and then it ends up being true. it's kind of like the opposite of the jesus healing stories. jesus saw people as 'healthy' that other people didn't. when he told a cripple to get up and walk,the cripple had faith in what jesus saw,and got up and walked!
well,maybe i'm just babbling,but whatever.
i'm concerned because i have few friends and like being alone. i looove living alone,and i love being on vacation and just hanging around the house. although i sometimes do have a yen to go out and do something,and being on vacation,i have time to do that! which i like also. i get lonely sometimes but i think it's worse being with people who irritate me than being alone. and a lot of people irritate me. i dont know what's up with that. or maybe it's that a lot of people i encounter on a day-to-day basis is not really by choice,since we're talking about at the store where i work (can't choose our customers,more's the pity) and i can't choose the other drivers i share the road with,and i find many who are annoying if not downright terrifying.
but still i wonder why i really don't like a lot of people. i know some people who like animals better than people. being of kind of an intellectual persuasion,though,i find people have more potential for stimulating discussion,so i'd have to say i prefer people to animals in general. though i do like some animals. certainly not bugs! eek! poor bugs. i hate them because they scare me or at the very least 'squick' me.
maybe indeed there is nothing wrong with preferring one's own company to most people's...but unfortunately for me,interdependence is kind of how our society functions for the most part.i love being home alone,but neither am i interested in becoming a hermit.
maybe it's not that i dont' like people,but that i can't find many that i like. which sounds really insulting.
okay,let's put it this way. i get along with most people at work,and i work with 30-40 different people. many of them i LIKE. but there arent' many of them i'd like to spend much time with. does that make much sense? i guess i'm just trying to figure that out with my rambling writing here.
another thing i said today is that if i was going to take the time to socialize,i dont' want to 'waste' my time on someone whose company i don't enjoy. which sets my standards high,since generally i don't have much spare time. so i end up expecting too much from other people,which means i just end up giving up on much of a social life. i'm so confused. but that's okay because i'm on vacation so i can be relaxed and confused rather than being stressed and confused. so it's not so bad.
oh,and i went to the library and looked up 'transpersonal psychology' in the card catalog and nothing came up.
*sigh*
no subject
And maybe that makes you pickier about other people? I don't know, it just seems that whether you believe there's something wrong with you or not, having the expectation that other people will think there's something wrong with you could make you less likely to want to expend energy on trying to get along with those people. I know that hanging out with people who think there's something wrong with me is rarely a fun experience.
i'm on vacation so i can be relaxed and confused rather than being stressed and confused
Hey, it works for me!
no subject
relaxed and confused also beats dazed and confused!
no subject
I pity people who don't enjoy their own company, or who always feel a need to surround themselves with "friends" so that they don't get bored. On the way home from the college, my daughter & I heard a "Sex and the City" commercial on the radio. I have never seen that show, but I know it's about 4 women who always hang around together. I said that was my idea of hell...to travel in a group like that, sharing everything. I prefer one-on-one friendships, but even then, I would rather be alone than with someone I don't really enjoy.
I love that Weisel quote.
no subject
yup,pretty much had the same kind of weather,though sometimes it's cooler/colder in the west. a couple of my sisters went to keene state college,which is in the west.
i've had enjoyable groups of friends in the past,but i preferred the mixed gender packs! and more guys than gals.
a couple of gals,and a few more guys is great,i think. but i do like one-to-one time too.
no subject
Are your parents extroverts, who found an introverted child peculiarly withdrawn compared to their typical preference for interaction? How sad that the psychiatrist wasn't more sensitive to how a child would view the visits... she's the one who ought to have known that you would feel like there was something 'wrong' with you, and been reassuring all of you that you were perfectly normal!
no subject
my dad is shy but i don't know if he's really an introvert because i don't know if he really sits and thinks of stuff. but he lives alone and except for worrying about if something happens to him,he seems to be okay with that. he's definitely not an extrovert,in my opinion,though he does talk my ear off when i see him or call him,but he says that's because he doesn't get to talk to many people,and that makes sense to me.
my mom was very definitely an extrovert and NOT an introvert. unless she was an introvert in great denial,because she didn't like to think about stuff too much (the opposite of me!)
i really don't remember seeing that psychiatrist for more than a time or two...she may have been fine if i'd been in therapy for awhile,but maybe it worked out okay...i may have been put on medication at an early age,and i dont' think that would have been a good thing. i ended up being a fairly well-adjusted socially high-schooler,with close friends,but i did have a lot of depression. but i also had a lot of good times in high school,so that helped offset it!
what does fwiw mean? that's an acronym i don't know. thanks for your thoughts. i'm going to a different library today and maybe they'll have some jungian/transpersonal books.