(no subject)

[bluegreen17]

He did not know that this feeling was still so strong in her that anything which resembled abandon created a violent inner storm in her: a door closed too brusquely, a letter unanswered, a friend going away on a trip, the maid leaving to get married, the least mark of absent-mindedness, two people talking and forgetting to include her, or someone sending greetings to someone and forgetting her.
-anais nin,from winter of artifice

i think i've been fearful of abandonment since the day i was born. well,probably even earlier. it must have come from a past life,if such a thing exists. on the other hand,though i wasn't abandoned physically,i do wonder if it was more an emotional abandonment; it is quite possible that my mother wasn't in a good place psychologically when i was born,though i don't know why that would be. but she did experience a lot of depression and anxiety and phobias during her lifetime.

when i was about three years old,my mother had to go into the hospital for an eye operation. my dad had to work.i went to stay with my grandmother,whom i adored.i don't remember this,but apparently,when either mom or dad arrived to take me home,i was very angry at them and started hitting them. i feel badly about that,strangely enough. obviously i was hurt,but it must have hurt my parents too. then again,maybe they didn't really take it too personally. i was a fretful baby and cried a lot. i wasn't the happiest child. it's silly for me to feel badly about it,but i do. i also feel guilty for having given my parents-especially my mother,who spent the most time raising me-such a hard time as a child. and it's not really appropriate for me to feel guilty. i was the child,not the parent. but i've gone from blaming my parents to blaming myself,which is crazy. not that i should go back to blaming my parents,mind you. as an adult,my heart does go out to them and the things they went through,and of course i understand things i didn't as a child.
and now it's time to stop blaming myself for things just being the way they are and were.

Comments

[iswari.livejournal.com]

Wow. It is just *uncanny* how much this fits what's been up for me this week-end. Do you mind if I might post the quotation in my journal?

[bluegreen17]

be my guest,since it's a public journal entry,as long as it's credited to the right person! thank you for the courtesy of asking,though,even if it is not necessary.

i'm glad it reached someone for whom it had resonance! it's nice to be in tune.

[bayliss.livejournal.com]

i understand abandonment issues. I refuse to get really close to anyone because i am afraid that once they find out who and what i am that they will just run away from me because that's what has happend in the past. so rather then push myself to go and do anything i rather avoid all contact with human beings in real life and live my life through this box on this desk.

If it's any help at all I give you a Big ol'e Vurtual Hug and hope that You can move on. *HUGS*

[bluegreen17]

yeah,i'm at a place where i just tend to avoid rather than risk that too,i think. well,i guess awareness of it is a good start.

in a way,we're abusing these 'boxes on our desks'. they can be used for different things. but i guess there are worse addictions.

big teletubby hugs back atcha!

[bayliss.livejournal.com]

*grins* It's not like drugs or alcohol. I can't harm anyone or Kill anyone with a computer so i feel it's much safer. Don't you think? *grins*

*uber-gigantic hugs*

[bluegreen17]

good point!

[solarfields.livejournal.com]

I have abandonment issues myself, and we came from the same set of 'rents! So... people might say it's directed at Dad, but it isn't. I was never tied to Dad that much. But I felt as though I became my own mother's parent early on, and that's not healthy for a child. That's some sort of weird abandonment. God bless Mommy, though... no psychological dysfunction there anymore! She probably still has a fondness for bananas on toast, though.

sugar bacon anyone?

[bluegreen17]

yeah,you had your own abandonment scenario.
but,god bless mommy! sometimes it takes a lot of courage to be on this planet,and she had a lot of that!

She probably still has a fondness for bananas on toast, though.

i hear another career calling to you...comedy writer?

Re: sugar bacon anyone?

[solarfields.livejournal.com]

I sometimes wonder if I let myself write, what would be my voice? I move too easily between dry cynicism and bleeding heart prose!

[terabithiabeth.livejournal.com]

Very odd how abandonment has been on my mind this past week, and then you pop up with this.

[dahliablue.livejournal.com]

Oh, how I relate. I have very strong abandonment issues. I remember having them as a child, too, but sometimes can't find exact reasons. I do wonder how much a past life (or lives) have to play in my fears, issues, etc.