bluegreen17 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
bluegreen17) wrote2002-08-27 12:33 pm
bluegreen17) wrote2002-08-27 12:33 pm
ungrateful journal
you know,sometimes the idea of a gratitude journal pisses me off. but it's not like nothing pisses me off! ha.
anyway,TOMORROW i am going to turn over a new leaf and start working on my negative thinking habits...or maybe i'll just wait until i get some drug that makes me feel better and then start working on those things...which could be quite a few weeks...nevertheless...i've been experiencing the worst pms ever and that has been horrible. my therapist mentioned that part of the reason i am so severely depressed even though i've coped with my depression most of my life,is that i am probably experiencing premenopausal hormonal shifts,which can be intense even for people who don't already carry the weight of a chronic low-grade depression.
so,here i am,dealing with that,having no friends to do things with to distract me,
and also,in the last year and currently,having to deal with:
leg problems that kept me in bed for two weeks.
stomach problems that have lasted more than a year.
financial problems stemming from the fact that i don't earn enough at my full-time job to pay all of the rent,which i've had to do since my mother got sick and had to retire.
needing to work a second job because of that,but not being able to do that because i can't even get myself to work forty hours at the job i have much lately due to acute depression.
losing even more money for any time that i miss work because i've used up all my sick time.
the extra expense of dealing with my medical problems,even though i have insurance...they only pay percentages plus i have to pay $200 (certain dr.s they choice) or $300 (if i go outside their network) deductible per year.
i use an herbal remedy so my legs won't hurt and i have to pay for that myself.
my mother's illness,which is progressing rapidly,and having to deal with that while living with her.
the fact that my mother's speech is unintelligible and i rarely have any alone time,and i'm one of those people who needs alone time to recharge because i get overwhelmed by life.
strains with my siblings because of the stresses of my mother's illness
my father having a major medical procedure (angioplasty and having two stents put in his arteries...he seems to be doing fairly well now though...oops,that sounds like gratitude...but i'm rebelling against my rebellion.)
chronic incurable skin problems that cause me to itch if i get too warm or sweat too much,which means i need to live in a place with air conditioning,and the window units keep me from sleeping,so it really needs to be central air,which limits me as to where i can live,which makes further constraints on my finances.
boredom and scatteredness at work as well as home,which is probably tied in with the hormonal stuff as well as the increasing depression.
obsessive compulsive disorder which is set off by concern over my skin problem spreading and worsening...i'm not really contagious to other people,but i am contagious to myself,if that makes any sense,and thus i do lots of hand washing,and i'm not talking about woolite and/or hand washables,i'm talking about washing my hands a lot.dont' ask me...ocd is irrational,though my skin condition isn't.
i'm terrified of getting sick and having to take an antibiotic because of my stomach problems.
they are putting in new carpeting at work this week and i hope i dont' get sick between the outgassing and the dust from the carpet that they are removing...
that's all i can think of for now,but i think the worst is going through this and not having any friends to hang around with. i think that's what makes it the worst
anyway,TOMORROW i am going to turn over a new leaf and start working on my negative thinking habits...or maybe i'll just wait until i get some drug that makes me feel better and then start working on those things...which could be quite a few weeks...nevertheless...i've been experiencing the worst pms ever and that has been horrible. my therapist mentioned that part of the reason i am so severely depressed even though i've coped with my depression most of my life,is that i am probably experiencing premenopausal hormonal shifts,which can be intense even for people who don't already carry the weight of a chronic low-grade depression.
so,here i am,dealing with that,having no friends to do things with to distract me,
and also,in the last year and currently,having to deal with:
leg problems that kept me in bed for two weeks.
stomach problems that have lasted more than a year.
financial problems stemming from the fact that i don't earn enough at my full-time job to pay all of the rent,which i've had to do since my mother got sick and had to retire.
needing to work a second job because of that,but not being able to do that because i can't even get myself to work forty hours at the job i have much lately due to acute depression.
losing even more money for any time that i miss work because i've used up all my sick time.
the extra expense of dealing with my medical problems,even though i have insurance...they only pay percentages plus i have to pay $200 (certain dr.s they choice) or $300 (if i go outside their network) deductible per year.
i use an herbal remedy so my legs won't hurt and i have to pay for that myself.
my mother's illness,which is progressing rapidly,and having to deal with that while living with her.
the fact that my mother's speech is unintelligible and i rarely have any alone time,and i'm one of those people who needs alone time to recharge because i get overwhelmed by life.
strains with my siblings because of the stresses of my mother's illness
my father having a major medical procedure (angioplasty and having two stents put in his arteries...he seems to be doing fairly well now though...oops,that sounds like gratitude...but i'm rebelling against my rebellion.)
chronic incurable skin problems that cause me to itch if i get too warm or sweat too much,which means i need to live in a place with air conditioning,and the window units keep me from sleeping,so it really needs to be central air,which limits me as to where i can live,which makes further constraints on my finances.
boredom and scatteredness at work as well as home,which is probably tied in with the hormonal stuff as well as the increasing depression.
obsessive compulsive disorder which is set off by concern over my skin problem spreading and worsening...i'm not really contagious to other people,but i am contagious to myself,if that makes any sense,and thus i do lots of hand washing,and i'm not talking about woolite and/or hand washables,i'm talking about washing my hands a lot.dont' ask me...ocd is irrational,though my skin condition isn't.
i'm terrified of getting sick and having to take an antibiotic because of my stomach problems.
they are putting in new carpeting at work this week and i hope i dont' get sick between the outgassing and the dust from the carpet that they are removing...
that's all i can think of for now,but i think the worst is going through this and not having any friends to hang around with. i think that's what makes it the worst
A Thought ...
Re: A Thought ...
gratitude journals may work well for some people,or in different instances. sometimes i do write about and think about things i like,but i'm really contradictory and 'oppositional'...so if someone tells me to do something, i don't want to do it. however,suggesting or asking doesn't press that oppositional button.it's a weird and interesting phenomena.
also,today i went to work depressed and expected to stay that way,and was expecting to feel terrible...and a decent mood just snuck up on me. you see,part of my problem is that i have unrealistic expectations of good things happening...grandiose expectations,out of proportion with reality...and it causes me no one of grief. i don't know if i'm making any sense. i know myself pretty well,and i guess i'm pretty weird!
thanks for your thoughts all the same!