bluegreen17 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
bluegreen17) wrote2002-08-28 12:48 pm
bluegreen17) wrote2002-08-28 12:48 pm
on gratitude and its pitfalls
okay,folks,it's cranky cantankerous contrary me again,with two more reasons why i'm not big on the gratitude thing...
(except that paradoxically enough,i actually thank people more than the average person does...i thank people when they help me out at work,i thank my sisters when they help out with mom,i thank dad when he buys me lunch...i AM grateful to people,just not to life in general,which feels sucky to me a lot of the time...but i am i feel awe and gratitude for sunsets,for fresh air,for singing treefrogs...a lot of my gratitude is directed towards things of nature,which is why i find the gnostic beliefs so frustrating...i feel closest to some sense of god through the natural world,but i'm not into paganism because i'm not really into rituals as set down by others and i like a more direct approach...probably due to impatience. i am also tremendously grateful for colors in the world...yoiu have no idea how much i love color (though the name aurora might give you a clue!)...red is my favorite,and for some reason i can't figure out,i love metallic shiny colors! certain colors remind me of good things about my childhood.i was unhappy a lot of the time,but i also had a certain sense of security that i lost long ago.)
anyway,my reasons? i have found that when i express gratitude in the form of a prayer,something bad happens almost immediately in my life. so i am afraid to say too many grateful prayers. whenever i start looking on the bright side, or trying to,one more problem which i feel is hard to cope with comes up in my life.this is a very perplexing and frustrating phenomena in my life,and if anyone has any thoughts on why the heck that happens,i'd like to hear it.it seems to be the opposite of what is 'supposed' to happen.
the only insight i've come across in regards to this is in one of my favorite books,the lazy man's guide to enlightenment,by thaddeus golas.it's out of print,but it's online for free,and i have a link on my front page.anyway,in that book he says when you try to raise your vibration,something counteracts that as a challenge to your trying to feel better...my problem is,i don't ever seem to be able to rise above that next problem and stay in my resolve to be more positive...i just find it too hard.
i've been pushing myself just to keep going for years and years. some people understand how much energy that takes,and some folks don't.
the other thing about the gratitude journal is i honestly dont feel it's that easy to find things to be grateful for. life kicks me in the ass constantly these days.
and if i just write a list of things i LIKE,it will just make me sad because there are so many things i like and can't or don't have...it's not like i want a rolls royce and several homes. i'm not even asking for an entire house,though it would be nice. i'd be happy if i could just afford to live where i am now,in a tiny apartment,by myself. nothing fancy.
i had another hissy fit today (after i hung up the phone) because i got into work later than i wanted to yesterday (i'm trying to put in some extra hours,because i am going to be late on friday as i have a dr appointment,and i really need my income from forty hours...i fall short so often) because i needed to call in a refill for my mother (she can't speak properly) and it was supposed to be ready for her to pick up today. i called the pharmacy and they said it hadn't been called in yet,and they are supposed to call it in within 12 hours. it's been 24 now. plus,i have to call the dr's office again and they are hell to deal with on the phone...they take forever to get back to you...and my mother needs her med refilled soon.
and did i mention i hate making phone calls? i hate phones!
well,i'm going to finish my lunch now.
(except that paradoxically enough,i actually thank people more than the average person does...i thank people when they help me out at work,i thank my sisters when they help out with mom,i thank dad when he buys me lunch...i AM grateful to people,just not to life in general,which feels sucky to me a lot of the time...but i am i feel awe and gratitude for sunsets,for fresh air,for singing treefrogs...a lot of my gratitude is directed towards things of nature,which is why i find the gnostic beliefs so frustrating...i feel closest to some sense of god through the natural world,but i'm not into paganism because i'm not really into rituals as set down by others and i like a more direct approach...probably due to impatience. i am also tremendously grateful for colors in the world...yoiu have no idea how much i love color (though the name aurora might give you a clue!)...red is my favorite,and for some reason i can't figure out,i love metallic shiny colors! certain colors remind me of good things about my childhood.i was unhappy a lot of the time,but i also had a certain sense of security that i lost long ago.)
anyway,my reasons? i have found that when i express gratitude in the form of a prayer,something bad happens almost immediately in my life. so i am afraid to say too many grateful prayers. whenever i start looking on the bright side, or trying to,one more problem which i feel is hard to cope with comes up in my life.this is a very perplexing and frustrating phenomena in my life,and if anyone has any thoughts on why the heck that happens,i'd like to hear it.it seems to be the opposite of what is 'supposed' to happen.
the only insight i've come across in regards to this is in one of my favorite books,the lazy man's guide to enlightenment,by thaddeus golas.it's out of print,but it's online for free,and i have a link on my front page.anyway,in that book he says when you try to raise your vibration,something counteracts that as a challenge to your trying to feel better...my problem is,i don't ever seem to be able to rise above that next problem and stay in my resolve to be more positive...i just find it too hard.
i've been pushing myself just to keep going for years and years. some people understand how much energy that takes,and some folks don't.
the other thing about the gratitude journal is i honestly dont feel it's that easy to find things to be grateful for. life kicks me in the ass constantly these days.
and if i just write a list of things i LIKE,it will just make me sad because there are so many things i like and can't or don't have...it's not like i want a rolls royce and several homes. i'm not even asking for an entire house,though it would be nice. i'd be happy if i could just afford to live where i am now,in a tiny apartment,by myself. nothing fancy.
i had another hissy fit today (after i hung up the phone) because i got into work later than i wanted to yesterday (i'm trying to put in some extra hours,because i am going to be late on friday as i have a dr appointment,and i really need my income from forty hours...i fall short so often) because i needed to call in a refill for my mother (she can't speak properly) and it was supposed to be ready for her to pick up today. i called the pharmacy and they said it hadn't been called in yet,and they are supposed to call it in within 12 hours. it's been 24 now. plus,i have to call the dr's office again and they are hell to deal with on the phone...they take forever to get back to you...and my mother needs her med refilled soon.
and did i mention i hate making phone calls? i hate phones!
well,i'm going to finish my lunch now.