bluegreen17 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
bluegreen17) wrote2002-09-01 08:21 pm
bluegreen17) wrote2002-09-01 08:21 pm
psychological exhaustion
damn.
i was having a so-so day and then i just ended up ranting and raving at my mother...
i was just sitting here,writing someone a note on livejournal,engrossing in trying to form my thoughts and write coherently and enjoying the intellectual process,when my mother came into my room and of course i can't understand her and i feel so bad because she is saying something,i just can't understand the garbled speech. and it's really about nothing,she just wants to connect,but it's always about something boring. i've never liked this aspect of living with my mother,but whatever.my mother is my intellectual opposite. she likes to talk about curtains and what stuff she bought for the grandkids and i like to talk about the meaning of life and where the heck is god when you need/want to find him/her/it etc.
and of course now it's so much worse because it takes forever to figure out what she is saying,which is basically nothing. and i've been bugged at work lately because i'm surrounded by packs of women...we've got way too many women and not enough men at work these days and i get along better with men in general,with quite a few exceptions,but still. for instance,i hate hate hate that tv show the view...ugh,a bunch of women talking about nothing!just like my family! just like the women at work!
anyhow,i'm also procrastinating because i need to do one more load of laundry and i need to brush and floss which is tedious and boring and i got 'lord of the rings' from the video store and i can't watch it because it skips and i am not motivated to drive back to the video store to get a better copy even though it is only five minutes away. i am not motivated and i feel worse because i am not getting anything done. i also need to go to the store and buy drain stuff because the tub is draining slow again and i don't like to pick up drano at the same time as i buy food...icky chemicals,it's a quirk of mine. so much to get done,and i so much don't want to do it. and i've been reading about side effects of wellbutrin and basically taking psychiatric meds is a crapshoot so in a way i am not looking forward to it. my most likely side effect is insomnia and agitation....and i'm already agitated and sleeping lousy!
so i also have a prescription for clonpazem which is an addictive sedative that is hard to discontinue if you take it too long and you have to be careful about those,so i am not really thrilled about having to take that so i can sleep. the plan is that i will only have sleeping troubles the first couple of weeks. well,that's the best case scenario,anyway.
and then my mother is in my bedroom,which is where i pretty much live in my attempt to have some space for myself,and she leans over to touch something,and i say don't touch! because i don't like any family members touching my belongings. it makes things really fun,believe me,and i feel bad about it,but i just don't think anyone's hygiene is as good as mine,and that's my mental state. and since my mother has gone downhill and is retired she does even less housework even though she is home all the time. and i hate housecleaning! i know she is sick and heavily medicated.
so i ended up ranting and raving at her because she disturbed my concentration and efforts to enjoy myself and that made me ridiculously cranky...and i've been over pms for a few days now,but i guess i'm as bad off as ever if a little thing like that can set me off. i feel so bad and i apologized to mom...it must be so awful for her to live with me,though i am not intentionally mean to her,but i dont' find i have much energy to try to converse with her. i didn't even when she could talk because we have so little to say to each other. i bought her some lilac water at the natural foods store today because she is always spraying toxic deodorizer in the place,plus i thought she'd like the lilac smell. i try to do little things for her and to force myself to talk to her,but right now i feel pretty miserable and i've got to go do that laundry,take some garbage out and brush and floss. not a happy camper at the moment,and i'm sad for yelling at mom and going into a rant...i don't feel like i can stop myself once i get agitated and you know what? part of the reason i am going on psychiatric drugs is that i need to get things done in order not to inconvenience other people. i appear to be very selfish,and yet it seems to me that i do a lot of consideration of others. of course,i think it's a good and important thing,but i also think i'm kind of worned out from worrying about how i affect others...not that i don't want to,but i wish there was a way to be good to myself without bothering other people. i need to take a month off from work i think,and be alone,but that can't be done because it would hurt other people.i may not even have any time to myself when i'm on vacation at the end of the month,unless my sister can have my mother over for a couple of days and that's inconvenient to her but i asked and she said she'd try,but i feel bad for asking.
i'm psychologically exhausted and have been for a long long time.i have been grateful that i haven't also been physically exhausted. up until recent insomnia,i've been doing okay on that. but now with the new drug i am probably going to be messed up at least for awhile,and feel physically not so good either. i hope i can hang in there through the process and hopefully it will be worth it and i will finally get some psychological relief.no guarantees though.
i also think this is a bad time to switch stomach medication and i wish i had thought of mentioning this when i was at the office on friday. now i'll have to call the office which i can't until tuesday because of the holiday and ask if it will do me any harm to stay on the same stomach med for another month while i adjust to the wellbutrin. i am almost out and i have to get either ranitidine or aciphex soon but it i get one and it doesn't work,i doubt my insurance co. will pay for a second stomach med for the same thing,so i need to know which to get this week.and it's hell trying to get someone from the dr's office to call back!
you'd think i was still pmsing! i used to laugh at the midol commercials....'for before,during,and after...'...that's a woman's whole freaking life...it's always before during and after! ha.
i'm lonely too,but i'm thankful for the friends i connect with through the internet.
thank you!
i was having a so-so day and then i just ended up ranting and raving at my mother...
i was just sitting here,writing someone a note on livejournal,engrossing in trying to form my thoughts and write coherently and enjoying the intellectual process,when my mother came into my room and of course i can't understand her and i feel so bad because she is saying something,i just can't understand the garbled speech. and it's really about nothing,she just wants to connect,but it's always about something boring. i've never liked this aspect of living with my mother,but whatever.my mother is my intellectual opposite. she likes to talk about curtains and what stuff she bought for the grandkids and i like to talk about the meaning of life and where the heck is god when you need/want to find him/her/it etc.
and of course now it's so much worse because it takes forever to figure out what she is saying,which is basically nothing. and i've been bugged at work lately because i'm surrounded by packs of women...we've got way too many women and not enough men at work these days and i get along better with men in general,with quite a few exceptions,but still. for instance,i hate hate hate that tv show the view...ugh,a bunch of women talking about nothing!just like my family! just like the women at work!
anyhow,i'm also procrastinating because i need to do one more load of laundry and i need to brush and floss which is tedious and boring and i got 'lord of the rings' from the video store and i can't watch it because it skips and i am not motivated to drive back to the video store to get a better copy even though it is only five minutes away. i am not motivated and i feel worse because i am not getting anything done. i also need to go to the store and buy drain stuff because the tub is draining slow again and i don't like to pick up drano at the same time as i buy food...icky chemicals,it's a quirk of mine. so much to get done,and i so much don't want to do it. and i've been reading about side effects of wellbutrin and basically taking psychiatric meds is a crapshoot so in a way i am not looking forward to it. my most likely side effect is insomnia and agitation....and i'm already agitated and sleeping lousy!
so i also have a prescription for clonpazem which is an addictive sedative that is hard to discontinue if you take it too long and you have to be careful about those,so i am not really thrilled about having to take that so i can sleep. the plan is that i will only have sleeping troubles the first couple of weeks. well,that's the best case scenario,anyway.
and then my mother is in my bedroom,which is where i pretty much live in my attempt to have some space for myself,and she leans over to touch something,and i say don't touch! because i don't like any family members touching my belongings. it makes things really fun,believe me,and i feel bad about it,but i just don't think anyone's hygiene is as good as mine,and that's my mental state. and since my mother has gone downhill and is retired she does even less housework even though she is home all the time. and i hate housecleaning! i know she is sick and heavily medicated.
so i ended up ranting and raving at her because she disturbed my concentration and efforts to enjoy myself and that made me ridiculously cranky...and i've been over pms for a few days now,but i guess i'm as bad off as ever if a little thing like that can set me off. i feel so bad and i apologized to mom...it must be so awful for her to live with me,though i am not intentionally mean to her,but i dont' find i have much energy to try to converse with her. i didn't even when she could talk because we have so little to say to each other. i bought her some lilac water at the natural foods store today because she is always spraying toxic deodorizer in the place,plus i thought she'd like the lilac smell. i try to do little things for her and to force myself to talk to her,but right now i feel pretty miserable and i've got to go do that laundry,take some garbage out and brush and floss. not a happy camper at the moment,and i'm sad for yelling at mom and going into a rant...i don't feel like i can stop myself once i get agitated and you know what? part of the reason i am going on psychiatric drugs is that i need to get things done in order not to inconvenience other people. i appear to be very selfish,and yet it seems to me that i do a lot of consideration of others. of course,i think it's a good and important thing,but i also think i'm kind of worned out from worrying about how i affect others...not that i don't want to,but i wish there was a way to be good to myself without bothering other people. i need to take a month off from work i think,and be alone,but that can't be done because it would hurt other people.i may not even have any time to myself when i'm on vacation at the end of the month,unless my sister can have my mother over for a couple of days and that's inconvenient to her but i asked and she said she'd try,but i feel bad for asking.
i'm psychologically exhausted and have been for a long long time.i have been grateful that i haven't also been physically exhausted. up until recent insomnia,i've been doing okay on that. but now with the new drug i am probably going to be messed up at least for awhile,and feel physically not so good either. i hope i can hang in there through the process and hopefully it will be worth it and i will finally get some psychological relief.no guarantees though.
i also think this is a bad time to switch stomach medication and i wish i had thought of mentioning this when i was at the office on friday. now i'll have to call the office which i can't until tuesday because of the holiday and ask if it will do me any harm to stay on the same stomach med for another month while i adjust to the wellbutrin. i am almost out and i have to get either ranitidine or aciphex soon but it i get one and it doesn't work,i doubt my insurance co. will pay for a second stomach med for the same thing,so i need to know which to get this week.and it's hell trying to get someone from the dr's office to call back!
you'd think i was still pmsing! i used to laugh at the midol commercials....'for before,during,and after...'...that's a woman's whole freaking life...it's always before during and after! ha.
i'm lonely too,but i'm thankful for the friends i connect with through the internet.
thank you!
no subject
I know, that sounds kind of strange. The reason why I ask is that I grow fresh lavendar. Although it's done flowering for the season, I did dry some of it. I could make you some lavendar water (I think) and bring it over if you live nearby. I've made rose water before, at least. Or I could ship you some, if you want. You could post your mailing address in a friends-only post, if you're comfortable doing that.
I guess I'm just trying to help you connect to people. :) Internet people are real people, too.
thank you
i was cleaning out my email inbox and i realized i never replied to this and it was very thoughtful of you.i don't say what city i live in because i talk about my job and if i said where i live,someone would know where i work,and i think something weird happened a while ago when i was on a list and people knew where i lived and worked.i think someone came in to the store to check me out without admitting to it,and that felt weird,liked i was being spied upon,in a way.so i'm cagey about my location now.in any event,i'm not near boston,but i thank you for your kind offer.
fortunately,since i wrote this post six weeks ago i started taking wellbutrin and i've been very fortunate in that it has made a difference and so far no really difficult side effects as far as i can tell.my mom is in pretty bad shape and having a little chemical boost which takes away most feelings of hopelessness,despair and suicide is a great help in coping...i started it just in time,i think.
thanks again,even though i'm terribly tardy!
diane
no subject
As for small talk in general, it's one of the things I'm particularly bad at. The combination of chronic, low-grade depression and Asperger's Syndrome render me particularly irritable when forced to deal with things that I think of as trivial and/or not particularly interesting. I try to be nice and attentive, but I guess my disinterest shows.
Prozac helps some; at least, I'm a kinder, gentler person on it. Otherwise, my head is an extremely noisy place!
Good luck to you!
no subject
If I'm on the computer doing stuff, I'm blind to the world. Whether I'm online looking up things, talking to friends, or not even online but working on the computer itself... I need to be left alone to be able to concentrate. The same thing goes for my Mother, if she's online, everyone knows to stay the hell away. LOL She’ll bite your head off if you interrupt for anything.
We all just need space sometimes, that's all, and sometimes we need to bite a few heads off before people realize it. Don't feel too bad for getting angry with your Mother, it's not your fault. Talk to her; let her know you don't want to be bothered often. Try setting aside "connecting" time with her, it may be hard for you to be patient with her and her topics that bore you, but it's important. It might help keep your alone time free of interruptions and make her feel special for having specific time set aside just for her to talk to you.
I know how you feel, about worrying how you affect others. I often feel as though I am a burden and that everyone would be better off without me here. I know I'm hard to deal with, but I also know that it's largely due to my mental disorders. It's my main reason for wanting to get on meds, to make everyone's life easier. Plus, I want to do it for myself. I need to get better; I'm tired of feeling the way I do.
I've only heard good things about wellbutrin, all meds have side effects of course, but I think it's a good drug and you shouldn't worry too much about it. Clonazepam is good too. It's good that you know it's addictive, you know not to take too much too often. I wouldn't worry about getting addicted to it though. No doctor would prescribe it to you continually if he thought you might get, or be hooked on it.
I think it's a good thing that you want to talk to your doc about switching stomach meds while starting your wellbutrin. I don't think there's any harm in that, but I'm not sure. I know I would definitely check it out if I were in that situation. Especially so it's easier to isolate which side effects are coming from which med.
Getting frustrated is pretty inconvenient, but it always eases up a bit. Thank god for the Internet, right. LOL
Stay well hon! :)
no subject
you know,i think we have to remind ourselves that even though we can sometimes be difficult to live with because of our mental stuff (of course,people forget that the toughest part is for us to live with ourselves!) that that same mental stuff usually gives us a sensitivity to others that many so called normal people do not have! or at least so it seems to me!i have kind friends who remind me of the good things about me.i hope you do too!
you have been very thoughtful and kind to me in your notes!
no subject
I totally agree.
Yep, I'm lucky enough to have kind friends who know they have to constantly reassure me that I am NOT a horrible person. I'm sure they get sick of that, but thank God, they keep doing it.
Thanks for saying I'm kind and thoughtfull; that really means a lot to me. I believe in, "treat others as you would like to be treated". :)