bluegreen17 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
bluegreen17) wrote2002-09-05 01:21 pm
bluegreen17) wrote2002-09-05 01:21 pm
same old puzzle
i go round and round trying to remove the sword of damocles hanging above me.
this is how i see my dilemma (though some of you have heard this in differing variations a million times before):
it's hard to explain to people why i'm unmotivated. if they haven't experienced it,they don't understand how hard it is to do things when one is depressed,has a.d.d.,ocd or whatever...(personally i think i have all three,plus occasional bouts of double depression,which is when you have a clinical depression on top of chronic low-grade depression...did i mention my hypochondria? ha. my brain is not conducive to peace of mind,which doesn't mean i never have it,but it's usual accidental. to be able to cause peace of mind is possible i think,but with the biological equipment i have,it's a huge challenge,to put it mildly)
people get frustrated with me,and i get frustrated with myself. it's hard when you live with other people and you can't push yourself to do housecleaning. i do the best i can. i don't mean to be inconsiderate,but it looks that way. right now i live with my mother,but when i need a roommate later i don't think it's fair for anyone to have to live with me (not to mention that my ocd would cause me greater anxiety having to live with another person. it even does with my mother,but she kind of knows what bothers me and is usually accomadating),but i can't afford to live alone!...unless i work a second job,which poses another dilemma,going back to the lack of motivation to do things i hate doing.
i wish i could work part-time and get some kind of part time mental disability,but i don't think they let you collect disability if you can work,and i don't want to not work because work makes me feel better to a certain degree. it's having to work full-time and being stressed trying to get things done at home that really frazzles and drains me.and if i don't get a roommate i have to work two jobs,and i can't figure out how i would do that since i have trouble working 5 days at times...i have to push myself. many weeks i only get in 4 days or 4 and a half....i really have to push for those forty hours.
so that's the puzzle i wake up every day to and try to figure out.i haven't come up with any good solutions,and my money continues to dwindle.
maybe i'll have no choice but to go on faith that something will work out...but does that work? i always thought that 'god helps those who help themselves' but i am helping myself as best i can and i no longer feel able to take care of myself,never mind helping with my mother who now needs help,and my dad is starting to have more and more problems as well.
hmmmmm....
this is how i see my dilemma (though some of you have heard this in differing variations a million times before):
it's hard to explain to people why i'm unmotivated. if they haven't experienced it,they don't understand how hard it is to do things when one is depressed,has a.d.d.,ocd or whatever...(personally i think i have all three,plus occasional bouts of double depression,which is when you have a clinical depression on top of chronic low-grade depression...did i mention my hypochondria? ha. my brain is not conducive to peace of mind,which doesn't mean i never have it,but it's usual accidental. to be able to cause peace of mind is possible i think,but with the biological equipment i have,it's a huge challenge,to put it mildly)
people get frustrated with me,and i get frustrated with myself. it's hard when you live with other people and you can't push yourself to do housecleaning. i do the best i can. i don't mean to be inconsiderate,but it looks that way. right now i live with my mother,but when i need a roommate later i don't think it's fair for anyone to have to live with me (not to mention that my ocd would cause me greater anxiety having to live with another person. it even does with my mother,but she kind of knows what bothers me and is usually accomadating),but i can't afford to live alone!...unless i work a second job,which poses another dilemma,going back to the lack of motivation to do things i hate doing.
i wish i could work part-time and get some kind of part time mental disability,but i don't think they let you collect disability if you can work,and i don't want to not work because work makes me feel better to a certain degree. it's having to work full-time and being stressed trying to get things done at home that really frazzles and drains me.and if i don't get a roommate i have to work two jobs,and i can't figure out how i would do that since i have trouble working 5 days at times...i have to push myself. many weeks i only get in 4 days or 4 and a half....i really have to push for those forty hours.
so that's the puzzle i wake up every day to and try to figure out.i haven't come up with any good solutions,and my money continues to dwindle.
maybe i'll have no choice but to go on faith that something will work out...but does that work? i always thought that 'god helps those who help themselves' but i am helping myself as best i can and i no longer feel able to take care of myself,never mind helping with my mother who now needs help,and my dad is starting to have more and more problems as well.
hmmmmm....