bluegreen17 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
bluegreen17) wrote2002-09-07 01:12 pm
bluegreen17) wrote2002-09-07 01:12 pm
even the 12 steps can't help me
had a rough night last night. i think i probably slept for about an hour. i was pretty nauseated for a while,which means i'll probably be back to my strong,expensive,and not-without-consequences stomach drug.
luckily,the nausea eventually mostly subsided. however,i still did not sleep,and i don't know why. i have been going to bed earlier and earlier due partly to being a bit tireder because i'm not sleeping well,but i also sleep to 'escape' when i'm depressed. but as it is,there's no escape,because the more i try to sleep the less i do. i want to break this cycle somehow.
also,i had the most awful negative and hopeless thoughts while i laid in bed awake,even worse than my usual morning overwhelmed how-am-i-ever-going-to-fix-my-life blues. i felt like i couldn't stop these thoughts,and if i didn't have trouble letting myself cry,i'd have been crying.
i thought of people who get in that dark place and they give up and ask god to take care of things. and i've done that before. i can't honestly remember if that was a help years ago when i did that,but i think it used to be. i think feeling like god is going to help out relaxes you and then you are able to see things more clearly. i'm not saying there isn't a god,but i think that's how praying helps people.
but for me...i'd like to do that but i just can't believe that god is going to take care of the details of my life! i wish i could believe it,but i can't. even my prayer to 'help my unbelief' doesn't work!
luckily,the nausea eventually mostly subsided. however,i still did not sleep,and i don't know why. i have been going to bed earlier and earlier due partly to being a bit tireder because i'm not sleeping well,but i also sleep to 'escape' when i'm depressed. but as it is,there's no escape,because the more i try to sleep the less i do. i want to break this cycle somehow.
also,i had the most awful negative and hopeless thoughts while i laid in bed awake,even worse than my usual morning overwhelmed how-am-i-ever-going-to-fix-my-life blues. i felt like i couldn't stop these thoughts,and if i didn't have trouble letting myself cry,i'd have been crying.
i thought of people who get in that dark place and they give up and ask god to take care of things. and i've done that before. i can't honestly remember if that was a help years ago when i did that,but i think it used to be. i think feeling like god is going to help out relaxes you and then you are able to see things more clearly. i'm not saying there isn't a god,but i think that's how praying helps people.
but for me...i'd like to do that but i just can't believe that god is going to take care of the details of my life! i wish i could believe it,but i can't. even my prayer to 'help my unbelief' doesn't work!